Quotes from ‘Mr. Santiago’

Mr. Santiago

'Mr. Santiago' - Season 4, Episode 7

At Amy's intricately planned Thanksgiving dinner, Jake goes "full Santiago" (binder and all) in order to impress her father (guest star Jimmy Smits), a former cop. With Jake and Amy's focus elsewhere, Charles is left on turkey duty and Holt helps Pimento cope after learning he can no longer work for the NYPD.

Air Date: November 22, 2016.

Quote from Charles

Charles: [attempting to impersonate Holt eating a marshmallow] Ooh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Jake: That's your Holt impression?
Charles: I can hear him doing that.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: What's going on here? What are you doing?
Jake: Captain, hey, nothing, just eating some marshmallows. Care for one?
Captain Holt: Marshed-mallow. Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Charles: [laughing] I knew it!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: That concludes our briefing. And now, on a personal note, I have some thoughts about Beyonce's "Lemonade" I'd like to share.
Jake: Oh, my God, sir, as much as I want to hear those thoughts, and it is so, so much, I think we should probably let Amy speak. [Amy is stood right next to Holt, facing him sideways, clutching a folder]

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, here's everyone's itineraries for Thanksgiving at my place. I know a lot of your families are out of town, and you just want to relax, but I think we'll all enjoy ourselves more if we rigidly stick to the schedule.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, did you assign us individual bathroom break times?
Amy: Keep asking questions about it, Sarge, and your slot is after Scully's.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right, Santiago, damn. It's your toilet.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, I am ready for this. I pulled a full Amy and researched the crap out of him. Made this sweet binder. Just a couple of factoids about Victor: He's an ex-cop, 65 years old, married for 36 years, Cuban, his favorite food, Flavor First beefy dog food. Wait, no, sorry. That's his dog's favorite food.
His favorite food is corn. Makes more sense. Dog food's not in the name.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you clean your car?
Jake: I did, but it didn't really take, so I just rented a new one, but here's the best part: I printed out a sign especially for him using his favorite font, Garamond.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.

Quote from Captain Holt

TV Announcer: The Cairn Terrier is intelligent and inquisitive with a bold personality.
Captain Holt: [chuckles] "A bold personality." We know what that's code for: she's a bitch.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Jake: Nah, that's crazy.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Pretty cool, huh? I feel like Dexter. I think. I never actually saw the show. Billboard gave me nightmares.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to answer and age-old question.
Hitchcock: Right, what's Amy's deal? She single?
Jake: No, we're dating. Come on.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The question is: Who here does the best impression of Captain Raymond Holt? You'll be judged on voice, body language, and overall lack of flair.
Everyone will perform the same scenario: Captain Holt eating a marshmallow for the very first time. Let the Holt-off begin!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] What is this glutinous monstrosity before me?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] The sugar in this is quite sweet.

Quote from Gina

Gina: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] Looks like a sticky pillow.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [impersonating Holt eating a marshmallow] I don't care for it. Classical music.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Sorry, it's just that my dad is coming into town, and he can be a little uptight.
Rosa: Uh-oh, Santiago's calling someone uptight. That can't be good.
Amy: He's not crazy. He's just the kind of guy who arranges the money in his wallet according to serial number.
Rosa: Yeah. That kind of guy.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Boyle, are you set on the turkey?
Charles: This year's bird will be as moist as-
Gina: Nope.
Charles: As juicy as-
Gina: Nope.
Charles: As wet as you can-
Gina: Boyle, just say it'll be good, man.
Charles: It'll be good, man.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Well, I gotta go start getting ready. Don't be late or I'll slit your throats. [laughs]
Rosa: You don't have to fake laugh. We know you mean it.
Amy: Good.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No, Sarge, I am not nervous. I'm confident that I'll make a great first impression on Mr. Victor Santiago.
Rosa: Why'd you do it with a British accent?
Jake: I felt like doing the Cuban accent would be a little dicey for me.
Rosa: Very good call.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Quote from Jake

Jake: I know everything about him, therefore I know exactly the type of person I need to be in order for him to think I'm good enough for Amy.
Charles: No, Jake, you're fine. Just flash him your baby browns, he'll love it. Just be yourself.
Jake: Be myself? Charles, I have one day to win over Amy's dad. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Rosa: Couple weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Six months.
Captain Holt: Jury's still out.
Jake: See, Charles? "Be myself," what kind of garbage advice is that? I hope you're not telling Nikolaj that crap.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Ugh.

Quote from Amy

Charles: It's for the turkey, so I can chop its head off when it gets here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Chop its head off?
Charles: I ordered a live turkey. It's being delivered. Because you know what they say: The yummiest turkey is the one that just died in your hands.
Gina: Charles, you can't kill an animal in here. That's horrible. It's disgusting. We won't let you do it, right, Amy?
Amy: It's getting late. Don't make a mess.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: Relax. It's not the first turkey I've killed in a friend's bathtub.
Sergeant Jeffords: It isn't?

Quote from Captain Holt

TV Announcer: And now back to the Lexington Thanksgiving Day Dog Show.
Captain Holt: Oh, look at her. Sloping, clean-cut, forequarters, cocksure gait. She's majestic, and she knows it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Adrian Pimento: Only problem is, PI license is like, two grand.
Captain Holt: I could lend you the money. Think of it as an investment from someone who believes in you.
Adrian Pimento: Wow, thanks, Captain. That means every- Whoa, hang on, you carry a check book with you?
Captain Holt: 'Course, you never know when you're gonna need groceries.
Adrian Pimento: So cool.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Where are you?
Jake: Picking up Amy's dad at the airport.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, that's a strong move. Have you successfully changed everything about yourself as planned?
Jake: Oh, yeah, you wouldn't recognize me. I'm wearing a sweater, I bought new shoes, I put something on my face called moisturizer. It's amazing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Mr. Santiago. I am Jake Peralta, Amy's boyfriend.
Victor Santiago: Jake, nice to finally meet you.
Jake: You too.
Victor Santiago: Ah, look at that. You're a Garamond man, huh?
Jake: Of course, what other font would I use, Cambria?

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: So Jake and I had a great conversation on the way here. You didn't tell me he was so interested in mutual funds.
Amy: Uh ... yeah-
Jake: Ugh, Amy is so bored of hearing me talk about allocation, asset mix, attribution analysis. These are just terms I throw around all the time.
Victor Santiago: In alphabetical order.
Jake: Well, that's just how my brain works. I mean, how would you list financial terms, in random order? What are you, crazy?
Victor Santiago: He's got a point. I like this guy.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh! Captain Holt. This is my dad.
Victor Santiago: Captain, heard a lot about you.
Captain Holt: And I you. Do you mind passing me those crab puffs?
Victor Santiago: Oh, certainly. There you go.
Captain Holt: Thank you.
Amy: That was everything.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Yeah, pretty big night: the three most important men in your life under one roof.
Amy: Well, Will Shorts isn't here.
Jake: Ah. Burn on Holt probably. That's the one you were talking about.

Quote from Captain Holt

Adrian Pimento: You made it sound like the terrier was a sure thing. You said she was majestic.
Captain Holt: They're all majestic. This is a nationally-televised dog show. This is the big time.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Just carrots for me. I don't eat celery, hate the stuff.
Victor Santiago: Oh, that's funny. Me too.
Jake: Really? Get out of town. Even though everybody says-
Both: They're basically the same thing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The only downside is, I've told him I have to pee so much he thinks I have a UTI. I wonder if he's ever had a UTI. You know what, I'm gonna sneak outside and get the 411 on the UTI. BRB. He loves abbreviations.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Charles, are you crazy? No, I don't want to watch a living animal die and then consume its flesh.
Charles: How is this different than eating a turkey that's been killed in a factory?
Gina: Because I don't have to see that. It's called living in denial, you moron.

Quote from Gina

Gina: You know what? You won't be able to go through with this if I give this little guy a name. He's now Nikolaj.
Charles: [gasps] That's my son's name.
Gina: Go ahead, cut Nikolaj's throat.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Sarge, this must bother you too.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, but eating a big drumstick on Thanksgiving makes Terry feel like a king.
Amy: Sorry, but it's five against two.
Scully: Wait, you assume Hitchcock and I want to eat that turkey?
Amy: Yeah?
Scully: Thank you.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Hey, you can run, but you can't hide. The apartment will run red with the blood of Nikolaj.
Charles: Please stop calling him that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, uh, what are you doing out here?
Victor Santiago: Sneaking a cigarette. I just can't quit. But you knew that, didn't you? Page 136.
Jake: What is that strange book you're holding? I've never seen it before.
Victor Santiago: "Jake Peralta's Guide to Tricking Amy's Dad."
Jake: What? Who put that there? Why did I use a title page?

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: Relax, Jake, it's okay. Actually, I'm quite impressed.
Jake: You are?
Victor Santiago: Yeah, you did a ton of research here. You made a binder.
This is real Santiago stuff.
Jake: Yeah, I-I guess it is. I even used tabs.
Victor Santiago: The good ones.
Jake: Yes. There are good and bad types of tabs. That's something we all know.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year.
Doy.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Jake: So what was that? You set me up? You already knew they had an alibi.
Victor Santiago: Of course I did. I guess I guess you must have missed that fact when you were putting together your sloppy, lazy, garbage binder.
Jake: What? I thought you loved my binder. You said I used all the good tabs.
Victor Santiago: Those tabs weren't even cascading.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: You know why I don't like you, Jake?
Jake: 'Cause of my binder, apparently.
Victor Santiago: No. Because of my binder. What, you think I wouldn't do my own research, find out everything I could about whoever my daughter is dating?
Jake: Okay, fine, but it's not like you found anything bad about me. I mean, look at this credit score: 100.
Victor Santiago: Out of 850.
Jake: Oh, no, really?

Quote from Jake

Jake: It's Amy. Can I answer it? Am I good enough to have a conversation with her?
Victor Santiago: Honestly, no.
Jake: Well, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. [on the phone] Hello, lover.
How's that butt?
Amy: What? Are you with my dad?
Jake: I sure am, and you're on speaker phone. So feel free to tell me all about your sexuality and the intercourse we might have together, getting it in.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, Amy, shut up.
Amy: Excuse me?
Jake: I mean, I'm so sorry, you were making a totally valid point about gender equality, but I just thought of something really important so I'm gonna hang up on you, okay? Love you, bye.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina's the one who set him free.
Gina: How was I supposed to know there'd be consequences for my actions?

Quote from Captain Holt

Adrian Pimento: This is it, the final lap. Bichon Frise dismissed.
Captain Holt: We're the top two, just us and that stupid freaking schnauzer.

Quote from Jake

Jake: That's right. We arrested a woman today because we are feminists.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: So, meeting Amy's dad for the first time, huh? You nervous?
Hitchcock: Yeah, a little.
Sergeant Jeffords: I was talking to Jake.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Okay, we're running out of time. What do you guys like better: classic bishop hat fold or crown fold? Now, the crown is more showy, but the bishop hat has a certain dignity.
Gina: I'll kill myself if it's not the crown fold.
Amy: Oh, okay, thanks.
Gina: Sometimes you have to pretend to care about napkins to stop hearing about napkins.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: Sorry I'm late, guys. Had to get my ax sharpened.
Rosa: Why do you have an ax? Also, nice ax.

Quote from Captain Holt

Adrian Pimento: Pimento's here.
Captain Holt: Ah, Adrian. So you made it. Happy Thanksgiving.
Adrian Pimento: Is it?
Captain Holt: Something wrong? Feel no pressure to talk about it.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: I don't know what I'm gonna do. I guess I could be a teacher.
"Sorry, Travis, the answer's obviously Istanbul."
"What did you say to me?"
"No, maybe you're wasting your life."
"Sorry, Principal Ramos, I didn't see you there."
"Wait, Travis is your son? Hah, well, I guess you're just gonna have to fire me."
"Fired? Me? How dare you, sir."
"We will settle"-
See, it just wouldn't work.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Captain Holt: You know, I had a friend that had to retire from the force. He became a private investigator.
Adrian Pimento: Ooh, PI, huh? I like that.
[laughs]
"Hello, Mr. Branville, I found out where your wife's been going tonight. Have a seat, you're not gonna like this. She's cheating on you. What do you mean you knew that already? You killed her? And are framing me for the murder? I just left my prints all over the crime scene. Oh, you are an evil ge-" This, this I could get on board for.

Quote from Amy

Amy: How was your flight?
Victor Santiago: Oh, good, good, you know, I did "The Times" crossword.
Amy: Oh, great puzzle today, right?
Victor Santiago: Oh, my God, 17 down?
Amy: Oh, I know, what about 16 across?
Victor Santiago: What about 34 across?
Amy: Oh, what about 45 down?
Both: What about 20 across? [laughter]

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Captain Holt: Listen, mister, I didn't give you that money so you could throw it away. I want it back. We're gonna pay your bookie a visit.
Adrian Pimento: What?
Captain Holt: And so help me God, you better hope I don't miss the "in memoriam."
Adrian Pimento: If it's dead dogs you wanna see, I know where to get my hands on dozens of them.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, choo-choo! Here comes the veggie train, leaving the station. Next stop, a healthy body.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I'm gonna go get a refill. Do you want something?
Jake: Oh, uh, you know, if they have it, maybe, like, a dry Riesling?
Victor Santiago: Excellent choice.
Jake: Thank you. [to Terry] They definitely have it. I brought it.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Sorry, Gina, but we need a turkey, and you're the only one complaining.
Rosa: I don't like it either. It's not a fair fight. Give the bird a gun, then see what happens.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I can't believe you did all this. You've got my family tree, all of my case files, lot of photos.
Jake: Yes, and might I add, your ponytail in the 90s puts Amy's to shame.
Victor Santiago: They used to call me "The Lion".
Jake: Wow, cool nickname. They call me "The Barracuda". Well, I call me that. I'm hoping it catches on.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: I was wondering what you thought about one of my cases First Essex Bank Heist.
Jake: Yes, I read that one. They got robbed the day before their grand opening.
Victor Santiago: I never solved that one. That bothered me for 20 years. But I see that you wrote a note here that says, "Contractor did it, so obvious."
Jake: Oh, what? Well, you know us millennials, we're always exaggerating. But what I think happened there is, is that I was reading that file, and I noticed that the contractor, Russo, was the, um-
Victor Santiago: Obvious?
Jake: Obvious suspect, but only in the sense that he was the only one who could've possibly done it 'cause he had the blueprint.
Victor Santiago: I talked to Russo. He had an alibi.
Jake: Of course, of course. But, you know, the name of the company was "Russo and Sons," so I figure probably, maybe, definitely the sons did it. Maybe.
Probably. For sure.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Come on, guys. It's getting late. Open the door.
Gina: Not until you promise to let this little turkey live out the rest of his life with Rosa.
Rosa: What? Why can't it live with you?
Gina: I'm an ideas man.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, I see. I think I know what's happening here. You're upset because Amy and I have seen each other's butts.
Victor Santiago: What?
Jake: Oh, God, it wasn't that. Please forget I said anything about your daughter's butt.

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: This binder tells the story of a sloppy, disorganized, irresponsible individual who's not allowed within 500 feet of Taylor Swift.
Jake: That was a misunderstanding.
Victor Santiago: You're not good enough for my Amy. I don't want my only daughter dating a screw-up.
Jake: Oh, yeah? Well, I don't want my only girlfriend daughtering a jerk-dad.
Burn on you.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What is this, 1950? I can't date someone unless I have my father's approval?

Quote from Amy

Amy: All right, someone's gotta go out there and kill that feathery bastard. Rosa, you're always looking for an excuse to behead something.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Don't look at me. Terry wastes all that time building muscles, make him do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, come on, you all know these are just for show.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I was gonna chop the heck out of this bastard, but then he looked me in the eye, and I realized that nature is beautiful.
Sergeant Jeffords: He scratched you up real bad, didn't he?
Charles: Yep, he got me good.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: So, does this mean you like each other now?
Jake: Yep.
Victor Santiago: Jury's still out.
Gina: Uh-oh.
Victor Santiago: Doesn't matter. It only matters what Amy thinks, and apparently she loves you.
Amy: I do. [kissed Jake]
Jake: That's the first time we've ever kissed.

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