Victor Santiago: I was wondering what you thought about one of my cases First Essex Bank Heist.
Jake: Yes, I read that one. They got robbed the day before their grand opening.
Victor Santiago: I never solved that one. That bothered me for 20 years. But I see that you wrote a note here that says, "Contractor did it, so obvious."
Jake: Oh, what? Well, you know us millennials, we're always exaggerating. But what I think happened there is, is that I was reading that file, and I noticed that the contractor, Russo, was the, um-
Victor Santiago: Obvious?
Jake: Obvious suspect, but only in the sense that he was the only one who could've possibly done it 'cause he had the blueprint.
Victor Santiago: I talked to Russo. He had an alibi.
Jake: Of course, of course. But, you know, the name of the company was "Russo and Sons," so I figure probably, maybe, definitely the sons did it. Maybe.
Probably. For sure.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Jake: I know everything about him, therefore I know exactly the type of person I need to be in order for him to think I'm good enough for Amy.
Charles: No, Jake, you're fine. Just flash him your baby browns, he'll love it. Just be yourself.
Jake: Be myself? Charles, I have one day to win over Amy's dad. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Rosa: Couple weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Six months.
Captain Holt: Jury's still out.
Jake: See, Charles? "Be myself," what kind of garbage advice is that? I hope you're not telling Nikolaj that crap.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Ugh.