Jake: So what was that? You set me up? You already knew they had an alibi.
Victor Santiago: Of course I did. I guess I guess you must have missed that fact when you were putting together your sloppy, lazy, garbage binder.
Jake: What? I thought you loved my binder. You said I used all the good tabs.
Victor Santiago: Those tabs weren't even cascading.

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Captain Holt: My advice: don't be overconfident. The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106 when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain Holt: Yes. Also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.
Jake: That's super sad, but I do like hearing you say the word "genitalia".

Jake: I know everything about him, therefore I know exactly the type of person I need to be in order for him to think I'm good enough for Amy.
Charles: No, Jake, you're fine. Just flash him your baby browns, he'll love it. Just be yourself.
Jake: Be myself? Charles, I have one day to win over Amy's dad. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Rosa: Couple weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Six months.
Captain Holt: Jury's still out.
Jake: See, Charles? "Be myself," what kind of garbage advice is that? I hope you're not telling Nikolaj that crap.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Ugh.