Jake: All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Amy: Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.
Jake: Come on. You can be honest.
Amy: I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
Jake: There you go.

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Adrian Pimento: After what I've seen, after what I've done, I don't know that I deserve to be happy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course you do.
Adrian Pimento: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wow. That changes everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: I never even finished my point.
Adrian Pimento: No, Sarge, you said it all. You just changed my life.

Charles: Mapping, mapping, mapping, mapping, mapping, mapping.
Jake: What's going on there, buddy?
Charles: Just making a final imprint of your face before the LASIK surgery goes poorly and my eyeballs get burned off.
Gina: Why stop at the eyes? Burn off your whole head.

Charles: Okay, the key with dogs is establishing the alpha. Cheddah, dwop it. Pwease dwop it. I'll give you anything you want.
Jake: Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn't expect that.

Jake: Now, the average foot speed of a corgi is ten miles per hour, which means with every passing second, that slippery bastard gets farther away.

Captain Holt: Wait, why is the whole squad here? And why is everyone wearing my clothes? My God. You lost Cheddar.
Jake: How did you do that?

Jake: I thought you'd be psyched. I mean, a week at Captain Holt's house? Wasn't that where you wanted to spend your honeymoon?

Captain Holt: No, my decision is final. I'm postponing my flight. Good-bye, Jacob.
Jake: No, sir! Please, please - [call disconnects] Ahh! He said Jacob. It's biblical.

Jake: Wait, stop talking. I'm hearing something in the background. What is that, a train and a girl whimpering?
Charles: That's me; I'm so scared you're not gonna find me.

Jake: I know it looks bad, but we're gonna find him. Right after we find Charles. Charles is gone. We lost Charles.
Amy: What?
Jake: Charles? Charles! [squeaks toy] Here, boy! [squeaks toy] Here, boy!

Jake: All right, everyone, listen up. Here's where we're at. Bad news: Cheddar is still at large, and you know that slippery little bastard is just laughing at us.

Captain Holt: Now, get out of my clothes. Get into your clothes. Get out of my house. Get into your cars-
Jake: All right, we can take it from there.

Jake: Look, I'm sorry, but you have to stay in the car.
Charles: That's a mistake! My super senses are a tool you can't afford to leave in the tool chest. Take me out of the box and put me on your belt.

Jake: This envelope contains the inheritance my uncle left me. He died a year ago; he was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
Gina: You mean like a dining room?
Jake: Yeah, but in Manhattan.
Gina: Oh, dang.

Rosa: You punching holes?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah.
Rosa: That's way too much paper.
Adrian Pimento: Not for me.

Captain Holt: I didn't cancel my trip because I was worried you would burn my house down. Kevin and I are having a hard time right now. Whenever we talk, we fight. And I'm just afraid and just just afraid that if I go to Paris and we fight, then-
Jake: Sir, with all due respect, that's crazy. I mean, you and Kevin are the best couple I know. And I'm sure whatever this is, you can get through it, because you are the strongest person I know. Wow, that was weird; I said, like, multiple real things consecutively, yeah. Felt weird but good. Are you proud of me?
Amy: You're ruining it.
Jake: Yup. I'm just gonna stop talking now.

Captain Holt: This line is interminable. At this rate, we'll be home in 54 minutes instead of the usual 46.

Jake: I'm sorry, but you'd only slow us down. And that's exactly what Cheddar wants. That's right. I'm onto you, you slippery little bastard.

Captain Holt: Gina, come on. You can do your Internet socializing in the truck.

Jake: Oh, I should've known I was gonna lose Charles. He's so pocket-sized. He could be hidden anywhere!

Jake: Attention, everyone! Say good-bye to the Jake Peralta you know and love, for today is the day I forever change.
Amy: Ooh, are you finally growing a mustache?
Jake: No, you know I can't do that, and it's cruel of you to keep bringing it up.

Amy: Jake, we need to focus on Cheddar. Charles is a grown man. He can take care of himself.
Jake: No, he's not. He's a Charles, all right? And he's blind! Oh, God, he's probably already dead.

Jake: Amy, don't act weird when I say this, but we're gonna need to use the binder.
Amy: Oh, Mama.

Gina: Okay, but before we go, can we just choose a nice air freshener from the gift shop? You never know when you're gonna find your signature scent.
Captain Holt: I'm not an idiot, Gina; I know for a fact you've already found your signature scent.
Gina: Ugh! I have got to stop living my life out loud.

Jake: We need a new plan, and we need it now.
Amy: Because the walls are closing in and I can't breathe.
Jake: Come on, guys, we're just spitballing. There's no stupid ideas.
Charles: What if we walk around the neighborhood in Captain Holt's clothes, wait till Cheddar picks up the smell?

Jake: Okay, how's everybody feeling? Anyone else have the weird urge to lecture themselves? "Peralta, what are you doing?"
Captain Holt: Peralta, what are you doing?
Jake: I conjured him.

Jake: Captain Holt! What a pleasant surprise. Gina told me that you were delayed due to a wire situation.
Captain Holt: Yes, the situation is, you can rip them all out but the car still works.
Gina: Sorry, boo.

Jake: Thank you all for joining me. What we have here is a fugitive situation. Our man has been on the run for 30 minutes. Also, our man is a dog. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "Who cares? It's just a pet."
Sergeant Jeffords: No one was thinking that, you monster.
Jake: Good. That was a test.

Scully: Jake, what about me and Hitchcock?
Jake: You two grab Cheddar's treats and put 'em in a bowl outside.
Scully: You mean the little sausage ones that need way more salt?
Jake: On second thought, maybe just sit exactly where you are and don't touch anything.
Hitchcock: Sweet.

Jake: Guys, guys! Holt is headed home right now.
Amy: No! He can't come home. We left the door open, and the dog ran out.
Jake: What? We lost Cheddar?
Charles: These silences are very hard for me to read. What's the vibe in here?
Jake: We're freaking out, Charles!

Jake: Now, let's find out what I'm worth. Oh, I'm too nervous to open it. Sarge, you do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. It's stock. One million shares!
Jake: Oh, my God!
Sergeant Jeffords: Of Blockbuster Video stock.
All: Ohh.
Jake: What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card! What happened to Blockbuster?

Captain Holt: I'm calling to check in before I get on the flight. Everything okay?
Jake: [scoffs] Okay? Let's just say if the house could talk, she would say, "I've never been happier; I love Jake."
Captain Holt: Oh, that's interesting, because I think the house might say "Jake's a liar ... and I'm on fire."

Jake: Charles, the surgery is going to go fine, all right? You'll have some vision impairment for a few hours, and I'm gonna be with you the whole time! Plus, they're gonna give you some of those sweet-ass Robocop sunglasses.
Charles: Those are blind people sunglasses.

Jake: How about this: Amy and I will look after your house while you're gone. Right, Ames?
Amy: Totally.
Gina: I thought you two were watching Ray Charles Boyle.

Jake: Ah, okay, great news. The smell of burnt sweatpants and singed leg hair is finally dissipating.
Charles: I just hope I can grow it back by Speedo season.

Captain Holt: That's an interesting offer, but I don't want to be an imposition.
Jake: Pshaw! Imposition? Pshaw!
Captain Holt: No, I was talking to Santiago. I assume she'll be doing all the work.
Jake: Why? Oh, because of our track records and personalities. Sure, sure, sure, sure, yeah.

Amy: This is horrible! We're not ready for this. This is a level one responsibility. I'm a level two at best, and you're not even a level!
Jake: Well, I'm a level, you know. I'm probably, like, a level five.
Amy: Not. A. Level!

Charles: It's true what they say. Now that I'm fully blind forever, my other senses are heightened. I feel a door. [gasps] We're at Captain Holt's house.
Jake: Also, the GPS announced it when we pulled up.

Jake: Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots.
You all get something, so fire away.
Charles: Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.
Rosa: Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.

Jake: No, that's insane, never gonna happen. Anyone else?
Adrian Pimento: You guys go off the grid.
Amy: I'm listening. Go on.
Adrian Pimento: I get you guys Mexican passports. Totally untraceable. We fake your death in an apartment fire. I'll need three teeth from both of you. Then you guys just disappear. It's easy. I've done it before.
Rosa: Oh, have you? Because you haven't mentioned it 500 times. Get a new thing.

Adrian Pimento: Do you think Diaz noticed that I freaked out a little when she asked me out?
Sergeant Jeffords: You mean the way your eyes popped out of your head and you sprinted away at full speed? Yeah, I think she noticed.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, they got to knock that off.
Hitchcock: Loosen up, Sarge.
Scully: Summer of love, baby.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's March, man. Shut up.

Amy: Yeah, but this is too much pressure! Why did you volunteer us for this?
Jake: Because Holt hasn't seen Kevin in, like, months, and I was just thinking if that was me and you, it would make me really sad.
Amy: Oh. That's actually super sweet.
Jake: Plus, there's this big, fat binder full of instructions and rules.
Amy: There's a binder? Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?
Jake: Oh! How about I just leave you two alone?
Amy: Okay.

Charles: Jake? Is that you? I can't see my phone. I've dialed over 40 wrong numbers.

Jake: Oh, no, he's turning all the turtlenecks into regular necks!

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, Diaz? That's it. What's going on with you two?
Rosa: Oh, you noticed it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I noticed it! Everyone's noticed it! A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it.

Jake: Good point. Charles can come with us and look after Cheddar. I'm told that blind people have a special connection with dogs.
Charles: I knew it. You do think I'm gonna go blind.

Jake: All right, well, we're about to go follow up on a lead right now.
Gina: Great; I'm gonna rip a bunch of wires out of your dashboard.
Jake: What? No, don't!

Jake: Captain. What are you doing here? Thought you took the day off to pack for your big trip, or did you finally realize that it only takes one minute to pack?
Captain Holt: Not if you care about your possessions and what the world sees when they look at you.
Jake: Huh.

Jake: Gina, hey, how's the stalling?
Gina: Great; the tow truck just got here, so that'll buy us at least an hour.
Jake: Tow truck? What the hell did you do to my car?
Gina: Bitch, I told you I was gonna wreck it.
Jake: You did. You did.

Jake: Look, I'm sorry that I got you involved in this. I never should have volunteered us.
Charles: No, Jake. It's not your fault. It's Amy's.
Amy: What?
Charles: Well, it's not my fault. Blind.

Captain Holt: The security company called me about the alarm.
Jake: Okay, the house was never on fire. Charles was on fire, and only on his pants, and we put it out.

Captain Holt: How did you know he was here?
Jake: Well, Cheddar was only chewing up Kevin's stuff. I figured maybe he was acting out because he missed Kevin.
Amy: But the real hero here is the binder. Under "Cheddar," subsection "Walk," subsection "Walks with Kevin," we found this special spot.

Charles: What's going on? I can hear your lips moving. Ah! Are you guys kissing?
Jake: What? No. Charles, stop always asking that.

Jake: Oh, let me get that. Try now. Oh, I can't control the locks. Hang on. Try now.
One, two, three. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now. Try now. Try now. Here we come, Cheddar! Try now.