Jake: Captain. What are you doing here? Thought you took the day off to pack for your big trip, or did you finally realize that it only takes one minute to pack?
Captain Holt: Not if you care about your possessions and what the world sees when they look at you.
Jake: Huh.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Amy: Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.
Jake: Come on. You can be honest.
Amy: I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
Jake: There you go.

Jake: Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Captain Holt: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Jake: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Adrian Pimento: After what I've seen, after what I've done, I don't know that I deserve to be happy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course you do.
Adrian Pimento: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wow. That changes everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: I never even finished my point.
Adrian Pimento: No, Sarge, you said it all. You just changed my life.