Quotes from ‘Adrian Pimento’

Adrian Pimento

'Adrian Pimento' - Season 3, Episode 17

When an unstable detective (guest star Jason Mantzoukas) returns to the Nine-Nine after years undercover, Jake doesn't know what to make of him. Meanwhile, Charles' rebellious behavior pits him against the precinct's custodian, and Holt enlists Gina's help in directing a "fun and informational" video starring himself and Rosa.

Air Date: February 23, 2016.

Adrian Pimento: You honestly didn't assume I would hire a look-alike to wear a fake beard and do tai chi in my window?
Jake: No, I definitely didn't assume that.
Adrian Pimento: And plus, you seriously thought that was me? I mean, you've seen me in my underpants. My butt is rock hard. That guy's got a pancake butt.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: Oh, look at that. A bunch of old family photos and personal belongings.
Jake: Pimento's mementos. I know you have a gun on me. I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Oh, my God, this guy's got a pancake butt. It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So Detective Pimento didn't show up for work today. Any idea why?
Jake: Oh, yeah, I straight up drove him off. Big screw-up on my part. I'm trying this new thing where I just own my mistakes. I like it. Do you?
Captain Holt: I did. Until you bragged about it.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, can I tell you something I've never told anyone before? My time undercover in the Mafia was actually kind of lame. I mean, I wanted it to be badass, but I'm good at computers, so I mostly just helped them switch over from AOL.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So I just received word from our friend at the Guffin Foundation. Apparently they loved our video submission. What did you send them?
Gina: A cinematic masterpiece is what I sent them.
Captain Holt: Did it feature pizzazz?
Gina: No, none at all, sir. First, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept, but then I realized: do you know which dogs get the most likes on the internet?
Captain Holt: Anatolian Shepherds.
Gina: No, ugly little runts with wonky eyes and tongues that won't stay in their mouths.
Captain Holt: But the Anatolian Shepherd is unrivaled for protecting livestock.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Well done, Linetti.
Gina: Sergeant Linetti. I had the fake Holt give me a promotion. He signed the papers and everything.

Quote from Scully

Adrian Pimento: Hitchcock and Scully. Ha. You guys still work here?
Hitchcock: The only way they're getting rid of us is in a body bag.
Scully: It actually happened once, but it was a false alarm.

Quote from Charles

Adrian Pimento: Well, there's nothing funny about what I did for The Butcher. I've had to learn not to blink, because every time I close my eyes, I see a fresh horror.
Jake: Ooh, dark.
Charles: But how do you keep your eyes moist?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sir, can I partner with Pimento on my B&E? That guy is awesome. He's like a real life Donnie Brasco.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't Donnie Brasco a really sad movie that ends terribly?
Jake: Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket, and he's always down at the docks.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I'm not sure I want you working with Pimento. He's a little unstable.
Adrian Pimento: [banging a computer] Machine!
Captain Holt: Psychologically, this could be a very difficult transition.
Jake: Yeah, I know, I went undercover. 63 days, no big deal. You probably forgot. No, it's your outgoing voice mail message.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: All right, he can work the B&E with you. Just make sure you take it easy.
Jake: Uh, sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today. I don't think you need to tell me about taking it easy.
Captain Holt: Are you bragging about being a bad employee?
Jake: No. Dismissed? Me.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I figured out the best way to welcome Pimento to the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stay out of his way, maybe buy him a drink, not do anything weird?
Charles: I'm making him a goat stew.
Sergeant Jeffords: Huh, all right.

Quote from Scully

Charles: Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish is traditionally made from an animal that's been so overfed it can no longer stand.
Scully: Whoo. That's the dream.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Everything is authentic. I even ordered the pressure cooker from Turkmenistan.
Amy: So you're on a terrorist watch list now?
Charles: Oh, yeah, Homeland Security's been in my house, yep.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: Now, this just needs to cook for another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and 6 [boom]
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle! You almost killed me! I'm not going out in a stew-making accident! Terry's gonna die saving the President, or Terry's never gonna die!

Quote from Charles

Marge: So we're supposed to come running to clean up your mess every time you snap your fat little fingers?
Charles: Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap my fingers, they're always too wet.

Charles: And I just thought, since it's your job-
Marge: Oh, I see. You cops think you're too good to clean up after yourselves?
Charles: Uh no, I can do it myself, I'll just-]
Marge: That's union work! How dare you try to steal our jobs.

Quote from Charles

Charles: So where do we go from here?
Marge: Well, you know the old saying, "The only way to unclog a toilet is to let it sit.
"
Charles: You're a janitor. You should know that's not true.

Quote from Charles

Marge: Boys, take out the trash.
Charles: Oh, great! So you will do it? Oh! I'm the trash, I get it. Okay, that makes more sense with your tone.

Quote from Gina

Gina: You wanted to see me, sir?
Captain Holt: Yes, I have a special project for you.
Gina: Okay, but I'll have you know right now I only fly first class.
Captain Holt: I'm not flying you anywhere.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: I made an application to the M.C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. Unfortunately, they require a video submission. I understand you have some filmmaking experience.
Gina: Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director.
Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. Rosa's dressed like a porcupine-

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.
Gina: Are you sure? You're not our most dynamic screen presences.
Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Captain Holt: Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Rosa: Sentences.
Captain Holt: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Kitchen, now.
Jake: Okay. What's up?
Rosa: Something's not right about that guy.
Jake: Why, just because he keeps threatening to kill me in the middle of a police precinct? Uh, grow up.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Because I'm physically attracted to him.
Jake: And that's bad?
Rosa: I'm only attracted to creeps: the Vulture, the ShamWow guy, and when I was a kid, I had a major crush on the evil Gremlin.
Jake: Stripe? Are you crazy?
Rosa: Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.
Jake: I would.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, it was easy. I just seduced the old lady upstairs, came down the fire escape, jimmied the window open. Bing-bang-boom, I'm inside your living quarters.
Jake: Totally. Course, next time you could just give me a call, you know. Two ways to pop in on a friend.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: I'm so sorry, Jake! Stupid, Paul! Stupid! You idiot, Paul!
Jake: Hey! Pimento!
Adrian Pimento: Huh?
Jake: Who's Paul?
Adrian Pimento: Whoa. Paul Sneed was my undercover name. 'Kay? Damn it, Jake. I don't know who I am anymore.
Jake: You could have chose any name to go undercover, and you picked Paul Sneed? Seems kind of crazy.

Adrian Pimento: This was a mistake. I'm not ready. I knew I wasn't ready to go back to being police. It's the only job I've ever had except for bagging groceries at the supermarket at the corner of Atlantic and Clinton. I guess I could go back to that again. "Paper or plastic?" Yeah, still got it.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: Sorry, brother. Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.
Jake: Right. And do you have to do it in your underwear?
Adrian Pimento: I can't take them off, 'cause then you'd be looking right at my penis and testicles.
Jake: Can't argue with that logic.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Mean Marge won't clean up the stew. And also, she suspended our trash service.
Amy: What happened? You didn't grovel enough, did you?
Charles: Seriously, Amy, you're gonna ask Charles Boyle if he groveled enough? Come on!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: This is the grossest thing I've ever seen, and I have three kids under the age of four. I live in a house of fluids.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: The, uh, problem is Marge in facilities is refusing to help. We were actually hoping maybe you could ask her.
Captain Holt: Excuse me? I'm the captain of this precinct. I don't have time to mediate your petty squabbles. I've taken a sacred oath to protect this community, and that is a job I take seriously.
Amy: So you're afraid of her, too, huh?
Captain Holt: Terrified.

Adrian Pimento: We're gonna catch these bastards, or my name isn't Paul Sneed.
Jake: Adrian Pimento.
Adrian Pimento: Adrian Pimento.

Quote from Jake

Jake: When I came back from being undercover, they made me see a shrink. But then he told me I had dad issues, and I was like, "You know what, you can't tell me what to do, you're not my dad," so he was a moron.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: I don't understand why I'm on a wheelchair.
Gina: Cut! For the last time, Rosa, through the magic of special effects, the wheelchair will turn into a horse, but I need you to work with me. Give me a little "hee-yah! Hee-yah!"

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I wanted a simple, straightforward video tour of the precinct, and you've added the one ingredient I didn't want: pizzazz.
Gina: Pizzazz is who I am. Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain Holt: Yes. I wish it were tan.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Hey, I've been tailing Pimento, and I think you were right. There's something weird going on with that guy.
Rosa: I knew it. Ugh! I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
Jake: Well, you don't have to.
Rosa: No, I'm gonna.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Oh, man, bolt cutters? Bolt cutters have literally never been used by an innocent person.
Rosa: I use them all the time when I make jewelry.
Jake: What? Oh, my God. Follow-up questions later.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Marge: You ever heard the old saying, "Know the garbage, know the man?"
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not a saying.

Quote from Charles

Marge: I know all your secrets. [snaps fingers] Boyle. You got a taste for fast food.
Charles: [giggles] Those aren't mine. I only eat locally-sourced meats. They could be Terry's. He was fat once, you know?
Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Boyle?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Speaking of Jeffords, maybe your daughters would like to know that their daddy throws away all their drawings? They just draw so many, and they're all so bad.

Quote from Amy

Marge: And you, Santiago, maybe the world would like to see that draft of a memo you wrote where you used T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
Amy: Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Quote from Scully

Charles: Why do you hate us so much?
Marge: I know you call me Mean Marge. Do you even know my last name? Hmm?
Scully: Mop-Bucket?
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, don't guess.

Quote from Scully

Sergeant Jeffords: "Mop-Bucket," Scully?
Scully: It was a educated guess.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, I got to get into that trunk.
Rosa: And you need me to break into the car for you?
Jake: What? No, I can do it. Why would you say that?
Rosa: Because one time you lost your keys and you called a tow truck.
Jake: My mom pays for roadside assistance. Why wouldn't I call it?

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