Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would've been 20 but we only got 14.
Captain Holt: That's not enough arrests.
Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.

Jake: So, hit me. How much do I have to cut back to keep this place?
Gina: Infinity percent.
Technically speaking, you're bankrupt, kiddo.
Jake: That sounds bad.
Gina: It is bad. I only said "kiddo" to soften the blow, kiddo.

Captain Holt: Santiago!
Amy: Oh no, Santiago in B-flat. You're disappointed.

Rosa: Next time I catch him shaving I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.

Jake: So, talk to me, goose. How are we looking?
Gina: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.
Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Amy: You wanted to see me sirs? I was reading the sergeant's lips through the window. He either said "bring in Santiago next" or something about a San Diego nest.

Gina: Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise. Do not sing into his shell.
Jake: I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
Gina: Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?

Gina: Jake, he is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell.

Captain Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home binge-watching media content.
Jake: Oh, I just started the second season of Media Content. No spoilers!

Captain Holt: Peralta, I will not give you a cool half-mil because you had a slightly sad childhood. Go solve your housing crisis.

Gina: Can I go with him? Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

Jake: When did everyone decide to become an adult? I mean, I know you were born in your fifties, but come on.
Amy: Thanks?

Amy: Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't happy with my self-evaluation. You didn't want me to say flaws that were actually positive. Like how the sergeant always say it's bad that he works out too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Why the drive by?

Sergeant Jeffords: I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!

Gina: But watching Oprah have brunch with her strong female friends has taught me that it's okay to forgive.

Rosa: Boyle, call an ambulance. I'm gonna do some stuff to him.

Gina: Shall we turn some lights on?
Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.
Gina: Your massage chair is on.
Jake: Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.

Gina: Maybe you're not thinking this through.
Jake: Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.
Gina: Uh, but never married once. Game, set, match. Linetti.

Gina: Jake, you have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well they don't make a massage couch.

Charles: We can fill his locker with shaving cream and loose hair.
Rosa: I like it. I cannot believe that I'm considering a non-violent option.

Jake: I'm gonna be homeless. A homeless cop. It's like a made-for-TV movie that I will not be able to watch because I won't have a television because I'll be homeless.

Jake: Whoa, whoa. You'd be my landlady? You're Gina. Your lifelong dream is to be on Wife Swap. You call gum the dentist. You think Ray J is a national treasure.

Charles: Hey, Rosa. I want to apologize. I haven't been much fun to hang out with over the last year or so. On account of all the asking you out and smelling your hair and staring at you from point blank range.
Rosa: Yeah, you were a real weirdo.

My biggest flaw is I care too much what you think of me. I should be more confident in my own judgment. And I'm so sure of that that I don't even care if you think I'm right. Evaluation over. Enjoy your soup.

Jake: Checking out my new bed. Great - feels like scoliosis and smells like 10 million butts.

Jake: I meant the money thing.
Gina: Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
Jake: Mmm-hmm.
Gina: You have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Charles: Oh, I think I swallowed a bunch of stranger hair. Ugh!

Rosa: Well, Lohank's a stubble monkey. I hate him and his face garbage.