Quotes from ‘The Apartment’

The Apartment

'The Apartment' - Season 1, Episode 18

Jake's debts finally catch up with him and put him in danger of losing his apartment, unless Gina finds a way to bail him out. Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords hold performance reviews for everybody at the precinct, and Rosa and Boyle have a conflict with one of the weekend officers.

Air Date: February 25, 2014.

Quote from Jake

Holt: I know you'd all rather be at home binge-watching media content.
Jake: Oh, I just started the second season of Media Content. No spoilers!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Next time I catch him shaving I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth that he bites his own heart.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I feel like a proud mama hen whose baby chicks have learned to fly!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Boyle: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiance.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Santiago!
Amy: Oh no, Santiago in B-flat. You're disappointed.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, he is a sea-witch in disguise, do not sing into his shell.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: We can fill his locker with shaving cream and loose hair.
Rosa: I like it. I cannot believe that I'm considering a non-violent option.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Sir, I think I speak for all of us when-
Rosa: She doesn't.
Jake: She doesn't.

Quote from Gina

Jake: So, hit me. How much do I have to cut back to keep this place?
Gina: Infinity percent.
Technically speaking, you're bankrupt, kiddo.
Jake: That sounds bad.
Gina: It is bad. I only said "kiddo" to soften the blow, kiddo.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You wanted to see me sirs? I was ready the sergeant's lips through the window. He either said "bring in Santiago next" or something about a San Diego nest.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Okay, sirs. I know why you weren't happy with my self-evaluation. You didn't want me to say flaws that were actually positive. Like how the sergeant always say it's bad that he works out too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Why the drive by?

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would have 20 but we only got 14.
Captain Holt: That's not enough arrests.
Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.

Quote from Gina

Gina: But watching Oprah have lunch with her strong female friends has taught me that it's okay to forgive.

Quote from Jake

Gina: Jake, you have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well they don't make a massage couch.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Peralta, I will not give you a cool half-mil because you had a slightly sad childhood. Go solve your housing crisis.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Can I go with him? Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

Quote from Gina

Jake: So, talk to me, goose. How are we looking?
Gina: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard. Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I didn't wanna do this, but I do know one way we could get the money.
Gina: You'd make a decent prostitute.
Jake: I'd make an amazing prostitute.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Maybe you're not thinking this through.
Jake: Says the woman who's been engaged eight times.
Gina: Uh, but never married once. Game, set, match. Linetti.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Boyle, call an amublance. I'm gonna do some stuff to him.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, he is a sea witch in disguise. Do not sing into his shell.
Jake: I have no idea what you're talking about right now.
Gina: Oh, little mermaid. What have you done?

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm gonna be homeless. A homeless cop. It's like a made-for-TV movie that I will not be able to watch because I won't have a television because I'll be homeless.

Quote from Jake

Gina: Shall we turn some lights on?
Jake: Trying to save electricity, Gina.
Gina: Your massage chair is on.
Jake: Yeah, I'm poor. I'm not a savage.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Whoa, whoa. You'd be my landlady? You're Gina. Your lifelong dream is to be on Wife Swap. You call gum the dentist. You think Ray J is a national treasure.

Quote from Jake

Jake: When did everyone decide to become an adult? I mean, I know you were born in your fifties, but come on.
Amy: Thanks?

Quote from Rosa

Boyle: Hey, Rosa. I want to apologize. I haven't been much fun to hang out with over the last year or so. On account of all the asking you out and smelling your hair and staring at you from point blank range.
Rosa: Yeah, you were a real weirdo.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Checking out my new bed. Great - feels like scoliosis and smells like 10 million butts.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Well, Lohank's a stubble monkey. I hate him and his face garbage.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I meant the money thing.
Gina: Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
Jake: Mmm-hmm.
Gina: You have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Quote from Charles

Boyle: Oh, I think I swallowed a bunch of stranger hair. Ugh!

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