Doug Judy Quotes Page 1 of 7

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Quote from the episode The Cruise

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Quote from the episode The Fugitive (Part 2)

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug Judy: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug Judy: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Quote from the episode The Fugitive (Part 2)

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of "'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: (SNORTS)

Quote from the episode The Negotiation

Jake: But what about your job? What about Dustin from "Stranger Things"?
Doug Judy: Famous kids are monsters. You do not wanna meet Young Sheldon.
Jake: Really? Ah, that's disappointing. He was so good in "Big Little Lies". Wait, no, we are not talking about this right now!

Quote from the episode The Cruise

Doug Judy: Jake, help me. I don't want to die. I'm still on second season of "Game of Thrones."

Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Diane: Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy. Well, shouldn't you be at work?
Doug Judy: Never too busy to see my mama.
Diane: Oh.
Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Jake: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.

Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Rosa: You guys having fun?
Jake: Hey.
Rosa: 'Cause I'm not. His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.
Doug Judy: Oh, looks beautiful.
Jake: Yeah, it's kinda cute.
[Rosa cuts the braid off with a pen knife]
Doug Judy: Please have my children.

Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Jake: All right, it's worth the risk. We send him in alone.
Rosa: No, we do not. Something doesn't smell right to me.
Doug Judy: Could be my dad's suit. He died in it.
Jake: He died in it? Oh, man.

Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner? Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Quote from the episode The Pontiac Bandit Returns

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Quote from the episode The Pontiac Bandit Returns

Doug Judy: Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left on the outside.
Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce. Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.
Captain Holt: Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner. $60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.
Doug Judy: Four-star hotel like the Oneida. $200 on food. No minibar or alcohol, but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Quote from the episode The Pontiac Bandit Returns

Jake: All right, fine. If this is going down, I wanna be on this case, and my sole focus is Doug Judy. He never leaves my sights.
Doug Judy: Love it! Pontiac Bandit and Jake. PB&J ride again! [singing] Reunited and it feels so good... It's a duet. Get in on this. [singing] Reunited 'cause we understood

Quote from the episode The Pontiac Bandit Returns

Jake: All right, there's no windows. You can go in. But leave the door open, and I'm hanging on to this [hairdryer].
Doug Judy: What in the world would I do with that?
Jake: Point it at my face until my eyeballs dry out and I lose my sense of sight. Then shove it in my mouth, so I can't yell for help, and finally run out the front door and disappear forever.
Doug Judy: Nah, I was just gonna use it to dry my undercarriage later.

Quote from the episode The Takeback

Jake: So, what's going on? Anything exciting in your life that you maybe want to tell me about?
Doug Judy: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: The texture of quiche is unsettling.
[present:]
Doug Judy: I got paid $75,000 for that nonsense.

Quote from the episode A Tale of Two Bandits

Jake: So did you check out Judy's alibi?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, and surprisingly, it checks out. Last Saturday night, Doug was deejaying Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.
Doug Judy: That was a wild party. Auntie Karen is a freak.
Jake: Judy, you deejay bar mitzvahs?
Doug Judy: Best gig I ever had. No one likes hip-hop more than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.
Jake: Mm. So true.

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