Quotes from ‘The Cruise’

The Cruise

'The Cruise' - Season 3, Episode 13

Jake and Amy are excited to go on their first real vacation together, but Amy's perfectly planned cruise ship itinerary is thwarted when they discover an old adversary is on board with them. Meanwhile, Gina and Terry help Captain Holt survive a visit from his sister, Debbie (guest star Niecy Nash), and Charles and Rosa vie for the same apartment.

Air Date: January 26, 2016.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, you have a pretty low bar for what you consider drama. Once, I used an exclamation point in a email. You called me Diana Ross.
Captain Holt: I assure you, in this case, I do not exaggerate.

Quote from Charles

Charles: What? You don't need closet space. You have, like, one outfit.

Quote from Captain Holt

Debbie: Look at you. Always working. What happened to my fun big brother?
Captain Holt: Fun? I was never fun. You take that back.

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so where's this hitman, Judy?
Doug Judy: Look, I don't know who they sent, but he's on the boat. Check out this manifest. Somebody boarded in San Juan named Henry Coles.
Jake: Henry Street and Coles Street, that's the corner of your old chop shop in Brooklyn. This is an alias.
Doug Judy: Mm-hmm. And my porter buddy checked out Henry Coles' cabin, he hasn't been in it yet. He's hiding somewhere on this boat ready to jump out and kill me at any moment. Probably creepin' around in my closet.
Jake: Or stowed away in a lifeboat.
Doug Judy: Or hiding in a wall.
Jake: Or holed up in the engine room.
Doug Judy: Camouflaged in the shrubbery.
Jake: Predator style! No! We are not having fun. You will not suck me in with your wily charms.

Quote from Amy

Doug Judy: Thank God you were there, Peralta. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.
Jake: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
Doug Judy: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting him out of his shell.
Amy: Tell me about it. Every time we get emotional, he's like, "Noice, smort."

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You found me. Drinking seltzer in the shadows.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: Captain, the commissioner called again. He wants to know when crime will be down.
Captain Holt: Are you kidding me? What am I supposed to tell him? I'm under so much pressure. I just can't even.

Quote from Captain Holt

Debbie: You got a lot on you. And I don't want to overstay my welcome if that's gonna stress you out.
Captain Holt: It will, especially with Mercury in retrograde.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Hey, what's going on here? I didn't realize we had more questions to ask Mr.
Gotaro together.
Charles: Oh, we don't. I asked Mr. Gotaro all of them. Wait, hold on. "Gotaro." Isn't that a Andalusian name?
Mr. Gotaro: Yeah.
Charles: What a weird coincidence. Pardon me, Detective Diaz. Last night, I cooked up a ton of Andalusian baby eels.
Rosa: Unbelievable.
Mr. Gotaro: I love angula. I mean, it's impossible to find here.
Charles: Oh, not if you have a ton of disposable income and great credit, like I do.
I think you're gonna love these. I really buttered them up.

Doug Judy: Jake, help me. I don't want to die. I'm still on second season of "Game of Thrones."

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, can I ask you something?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: If the toilets drain into the ocean, does that mean a tiny shark could swim up and bite me in the butt?
Amy: No, not at all.
Jake: Psh, lame.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Thank you for doing this. I love you.
Jake: Noice. Smort. I love you too.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Cruise itineraries, hot out of the laminator. Who's ready for some nonstop totally scheduled fun?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I need this to settle my nerves. Hurricane Debbie is approaching. My little sister Debbie, she's a real drama queen.
Gina: The drama queen of the Holt family. What, did she laugh out loud one time?
Captain Holt: She's laughed out loud multiple times.

Quote from Captain Holt

Debbie: My trip here from the train station hey, I swear to you I heard the cab driver mumble under his breath, "You will die tonight." Is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard? I mean, can you even, Raymond?
Captain Holt: I cannot even.

Quote from Charles

Charles: This huge apartment. What is this, like, 1800 sq ft. Exposed brick. Got tons of natural light.
Rosa: Weird. I thought you'd be most exciting about the gas range.
Charles: (gasps) They have a gas range!

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on a ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest. How do you think that happened?
Jake: I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought "Speed 2" on DVD, and the Internet realized that cruises were one of my interests.

Doug Judy: I brought you here 'cause I'm in peril.
Jake: Pfft. Peril.
Doug Judy: Don't "pfft" my peril.
Jake: Pfft.
Doug Judy: Somebody's trying to kill me, and I need protection, so I sent for my best friend.
Jake: I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy. Get that through your head.
Doug Judy: It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Jake: Whatever, Judy. You're under arrest.
Doug Judy: You can't arrest me, boo. We're in international waters, which is also why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome to the high seas.
Jake: No, no way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
Amy: Judy's right. We have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
Doug Judy: Uh-oh, your girl knows about the Uzbeks!

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: You're welcome to chill here. It's the least I can do to thank you for protecting me.
Jake: Never. This protection scam is a scam. Do you honestly think you can fool me again just because you've successfully done it numerous times before?

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: How's it going with your sister, sir?
Captain Holt: Well, last night, she told me in a great detail about a fight she got into with her trainer, whom she accused of stealing a hairbrush. Now she's on the phone, screaming at our mother.
Sergeant Jeffords: We'll keep her out of your hair. I'm good at distracting people. It's what I do with my toddlers all day long. How does she feel about balloon animals?
Captain Holt: I'm sure she has a complicated relationship with them.

Quote from Captain Holt

Debbie: When we were little, we would go down in the basement, and he would build us a fort. We would stay down there all day. And Ray would sing these silly little made-up songs.
Captain Holt: George and Ira Gershwin did not compose silly, made-up songs.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Okay, but you're making a big mistake. Nobody sucks up like a Boyle. Of course, you knew that already because you're so smart. I just did it to you.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Fine, little man. Bring it.
Charles: Okay. Looks like you and I are in a good, old-fashioned suck-off.
Rosa: Don't call it a suck-off.
Charles: Why not? Why shouldn't- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, yep. Mm-hmm. Right. Smart. Good.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You brought your own shuffleboard stick?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Doug Judy: They're called tangs. You should be glad she has her own. You don't want her messing with another man's tang.
Jake: There is no way they're called tangs.
Amy: It's true. They are. And the disks are called biscuits.
Jake: Tangs and biscuits? That is so dumb. I officially love shuffleboard.

Doug Judy: About time you smiled, Jake. You've been a real tang in the mud.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I knew it. I knew Henry Coles was a 90-year old man with type 1 diabetes and emphysema. Obviously, I didn't know those specifics, but I knew you were lying.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We still don't know what your hitman looks like, so we're gonna have to flush him out. Wait a minute. Where do the toilets on this boat go?
Doug Judy: You don't want to know.
Jake: The pool?
Doug Judy: Ocean.
Jake: Oh, that's even worse. That's where my shrimp live.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: You two are looking good.
Jake: Really? I kind of feel like I'm Jimmy Buffett's tennis coach.
Amy: No, it's working. You know I had a major crush on Magnum P.I. Major!
Jake: Oh, should I grow a mustache?
Amy: Yeah, you should.
Jake: Actually, I can't. I'm physically incapable. I shouldn't have suggested that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Debbie, it's just too much.
Debbie: What happened?
Captain Holt: Wait till you hear. Kevin is all, "Hey, man, I'm leaving for Paris," And I said, "Then go already. I don't care," but I do care, and now I'm like, "Where's Kevin?"
Debbie: Well, I didn't know y'all had all of that going on.
Captain Holt: Ugh, no one understands me. And now you're here, and I love you, but, like, it's a lot. Everything in my life is a hot mess right now.
Debbie: Damn.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: There's been a jailbreak, and the Mafia's at it again.

Quote from Rosa

Mr. Gotaro: Uh, before I leave, um, I should tell you, you're both great applicants, but I've decided to rent the apartment to someone else.
Rosa: I smiled at you. For what?

Quote from Jake

Amy: I know you're bummed about the Pontiac Bandit so if it's any consolation, we could spend the rest of the cruise eating shrimp in bed.
Jake: That is incredibly sweet, but no way. We have too many activities to do. Eh? You'll never guess what starts in three minutes.
Amy: Salsa dancing.
Jake: Oh, so you can guess.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okey dokey, The car is picking me and Amy up in two minutes. You sure you're cool keeping tabs on my cases while I'm on the cruise?
Charles: You bet. I hope you have a great time. Hey, don't make any new best friends. Oh. Maybe you shouldn't go.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Are you kidding? I am psyched to go on this week-long cruise, just sitting around doing nothing. Straight up living that slug life, y'all.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Oh, I actually thought we could just sit by the pool, eat unlimited shrimp, and see what it does to our bodies.
Amy: That's cute. I don't know if there's gonna be time, though. The cruise offers 77 activities, and I signed us up for 76 of them. Speed dating for widows seemed like a bummer.

Quote from Jake

Amy: This is so great.
Jake: Yeah. Seagulls, check. The ocean, check. A gang of oldies in short shorts, check, check, check. We are definitely on a cruise.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: I have to apply for this apartment. I mean, it just became available. We're the only two people to see it. This is an opportunity you just don't get in New York real estate ever.
Rosa: A woman just died here. Don't be gross and disrespectful. Holy crap, look at all this closet space. I'm applying too.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Amy and I are gonna spend every second of our romantic cruise watching you, assuming that's okay?
Amy: Yep. That's what we're gonna do.
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: I'll just get rid of this itinerary.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Uh, Debbie, let me show you New York, okay? The buildings, the subway ... the bank, the dry cleaner I got to run some errands.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Can't we just lock him up in there? Do we really have to trade off sleep for the next six nights?
Jake: I know. I'm sorry. But he did say that he'd wear a mask if we want to smush.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Now do you believe me? That guy was trying to kill me.
Jake: All right, fine! Someone wants you dead! You win.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Anyways, he'll probably try to hit me at my show this afternoon. At least I'll die doing what I love: getting people horny at sea.
Jake: Yeah. Yeah. That's gross.

Jake: All right, here's the plan. We're gonna leave you alone on stage and dangle you as bait.
Doug Judy: Damn! Bait dangling?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I thought we could talk under here about you and Gary. Well, I'm sorry I was pushing you away. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I would love to be all up in your life.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: If you go to jail, who makes the rental decisions in the building?
Mr. Gotaro: It'll pass to a trust. The bank controls it.
Rosa: Game back on?
Charles: If you have to ask, you're already one step behind.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So the Sail Away party is in an hour, and until then, I have us scheduled to take in live music at the all-ages piano lounge.
Jake: Okay, okay. Or we could just head straight to the room. I brought a plastic tarp so we can eat shrimp in bed.
Amy: But the all-ages piano lounge has bottomless margaritas.
Jake: Eh.
Amy: They also have a drink with a potato skin in it.
Jake: Ohh. To the all-ages piano lounge, merlady.

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