Attorney: How do we know those were drugs? Please back that tape up.
Charles: No! Objection!
Judge: On what grounds?
Charles: That's my penis?
Judge: Overruled.

Captain Holt: This just might work out after all.
Gina: You're damn right it will, 'cause we're a ragtag, scrappity, fart-dumb, moron parade, smart-ass team!

Amy: Jake, Karen is a grown woman with a pretty respectable credit score. I'm sure she knows what she's doing.
Jake: Amy, I know that you have a binder, but you don't know her like I do. She's too trusting for her own good. She's fallen for more Nigerian scams than Scully.
Amy: She's fallen for 20 Nigerian scams?
Jake: 20? That's insane. No, she's fallen for 2. Scully's fallen for 20?
Amy: Yeah.

Captain Holt: Congratulations.We did it. And we did it together because we're a team.
Hitchcock: Should we do it again next week, sir?
Captain Holt: No. I would hate that.

Captain Holt: Where should we begin? Do you have any experience with puzzles?
Scully: Yes. I've never solved one.

Charles: I got to sound bad ass in case anybody watches the footage, capiche? Aah! Oh, I just spilled soup on the cam!
Rosa: Why do you have soup on a stakeout?
Charles: Oh, no. Crap! Oh, it's not turning back on. Do you think Sarge is gonna be mad that I spilled "fuh" on the cam?
Rosa: He definitely will if you say pho like that when you tell him.
Charles: I'm not gonna mispronounce it. Not while you're rolling.

Captain Holt: The dial tone's not steady. I think it's Morse code.
Scully: I know Morse code! My dad was a prisoner of war in Korea, and I could only talk to him-
Gina: Shut up. Who cares? Just decode the message.

Rosa: Look, man, no one's ever gonna see that footage. The case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-
Charles: Bennie and the Jets.
Rosa: Sure. Whatever.

Jake: All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny, but you have to try and remember that we're still at work. Do you want me to quiz you?
Amy: Oh, God, yes.
Jake: Wow.

Jake: What's this case?
Amy: Oh, this isn't work. It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting. It's very thorough.
Jake: Just relax. She's gonna love you. You're both strong, accomplished women that have seen me naked.

Jake: And my mom thinks she knows all the worst things that my dad did, but she has no idea. She doesn't even know that he cheated on her with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, I saw them. They were in our car in the garage having sex. It's the whole reason I can't have sex in cars in garages.
Amy: That's a very specific sexual hang-up. I mean, has it really held you back?
Jake: Well, are we having sex in car in a garage right now?
Amy: No.
Jake: So, yeah, big time it's held me back.

Jake: Favorite topics of conversation?
Amy: Jimmy Carter was underrated. How beautiful some front doors are. What's Jane Seymour up to? And how cool is it that the ladies across the street are lesbians?

Karen Peralta: I think she's really great.
Amy: I think you're really great too!
Jake: She's very good at lip reading.
Amy: I wouldn't say I'm very good. I mean, deaf people, they're the real talents.
Jake: Just can't stop.
Amy: I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes.

Jake: I know it sucks that I did that, but think about how I feel. My stupid parents are borking each other.

Sergeant Jeffords: Before we do anything else, are your body cams turned on?
Rosa: Why are you so obsessed with these things? It's like your stupid babies all over again.
Sergeant Jeffords: My babies are not stupid. Cagney can write a lowercase L.
Rosa: It's just a line, right?

Roger Peralta: Oh, man, this is so much fun. Thanks for giving me a second chance, buddy.
Jake: Second chance? Are you seriously not getting what I'm charades-ing down at you? That was you and Sheila Bodden humping it up in the back of our car.
Roger Peralta: What?
Jake: Yeah, that's right. I saw you. I saw your weird dad butt, and I saw her aquamarine leotard bunched up around her ankles! It scarred me for life.

Karen Peralta: Well, you know, it's good enough for Diane Keaton. It's good enough for me.
Amy: I love her. I mean, she's no Jane Seymour. Where is Jane Seymour now, anyway?
Karen Peralta: She makes jewelry, and it's beautiful. I just bought two brooches for the lesbians across the street.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, I've been looking for you guys. I just talked to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom - weren't his.
Charles: What?
Rosa: But we saw him throw them in the garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his, but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!
Charles: Yeah, but the thing about cameras is that they don't really tell the full objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.

Roger Peralta: I know that you're angry, but when I was here last year, you really showed me what a selfish jerk I was. You're the reason that all of this is happening.
Jake: Yeah, but I didn't want this. I just wanted you to text me a dumb dad joke every six months.
Roger Peralta: I can do that. Just give me your number.
Jake: You didn't save my number?!

Jake: Gather around, glorious turd monsters, and feast your eyes on what I hold in this hand: the future of movement a hoverboard.

Karen Peralta: Okay, I got your favorite cake, blue.

Gina: Where's Charles?
Jake: On a stakeout with Rosa and Terry.
Gina: Police work? What a waste of time.

Gina: I would spend my $5,000 to buy backstage passes to Britney, and then I'd ask her one question: You think you're a better dancer than me?

Jake: You're gonna be fine, all right? She's gonna totally love you. Are those her dental records?

Charles: All hail the birthday boy. (fires a confetti cannon)
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, what the hell was that?
Jake: Charles, probably shouldn't have done that in a police station.
Charles: And not celebrate your birthday properly? I'd rather get shot.
Jake: You do you, Boyle.
Charles: I'm doing me!

Roger Peralta: This is nice.
Jake: If you screw this up and hurt her in any way, I will throw you in jail for the rest of your life, and I can do that now, Dad, so do not test me.
Roger Peralta: Okay. I still liked the hug even though you used it to threaten me.
Jake: Yeah, well I kind of liked threatening you, so, come on.

Roger Peralta: I didn't know you saw that.
Jake: Yeah, well, I did, and I never told Mom about it, but I swear to you, I will unless you leave right now. Should be easy for you since it's your favorite thing to do aside from humping it up with ladies.
Roger Peralta: You think I'm way more sexually active than I am. I mean, I've only had sex with, like, 400 women.
Jake: What? Four hundred? Oh, my God.
Roger Peralta: Is that a lot? I mean, all my friends are pilots. I'm on the low end of average.

Jake: I can't believe you knew about Sheila.
Karen Peralta: I also knew about Wendy. And Bonnie.
Jake: Bonnie who wears a wig?
Karen Peralta: She left it in our bathroom. That's how I found out.

Karen Peralta: And also, remember your turtle, Graham Crackers?
Jake: Dad had sex with my turtle?!
Karen Peralta: No, no, no, no, but he he stepped on it getting out of bed.
Jake: But you said Graham Crackers got married and moved in with his wife.

Karen Peralta: You know, I don't think our guest Amy really wants to talk about this, Jake. Can we just move on?
Amy: Yes. Maybe we could talk about someone we all admire: President Jimmy Carter.

Karen Peralta: But I like your father. And I know he has been a selfish jerk, but he really has changed. Last month when I had bronchitis, he flew in on his day off just to bring me soup. It was this weird Canadian soup. I-I think it was just all cheese. But it was really nice.

Jake: Man, I feel stupid. I was just trying to protect you, but I clearly made everything worse.
Karen Peralta: You have been protecting me since you were a kid. Sometimes I think you got so good at it, you decided to become a cop and protect everyone.
Jake: Oh, that's a cool thought, but I became a cop because of "Die Hard."

Jake: Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her too harshly for all the weird singing.
Karen Peralta: Oh, no. I'm dating my son of a bitch ex-husband. Who am I to judge?

Jake: There's only one way I'm gonna get my dad alone. You have to tell my mom that you need to - speak with her in private.
Amy: About what? I barely know her.
Jake: Tell her you're plugged up and you need a laxative.
Amy: What? No! What? I'm not gonna say that.

Jake: I never told her about it 'cause I didn't want to crush her heart, but now I have to use it. I'm gonna tell my dad if he doesn't do the decent thing and leave my mom again I'm dropping the Sheila bomb.
Amy: Whoa. I know this is a really big deal, but I have to ask. Did you wear this hat in high school?
Jake: Amy!

Hitchcock: This says we have three questions.
Captain Holt: No.
Gina: Uh-oh.
Hitchcock: How do we get outta here?
Radio: Can't tell you.
Hitchcock: Really?
Radio: Yes.
Captain Holt: That's enough! Sorry about that. Can we please have our questions back?
Radio: No. And that's three. You're done.
Hitchcock: Oh, Captain, how could you?

Jake: Okay, great. Great idea, Mom. I'll blow out my birthday candles. (blows out candles) I wished that you would leave. Damn it, I shouldn't have said it out loud.

Jake: So how serious is it, Hmm? Have you guys kissed? Has he stayed the night? Has he brought you a chocolate orange from the airport? 'Cause that's his big move.

Jake: Amy, can we focus? What is going on here? Why is my dad dating my mom? What does he want? Money, but she's a public school art teacher. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe that son of a bitch wants his picture drawn!

Amy: Oh, I know this isn't the best time, but we are in your childhood bedroom, and I do have one question: did you have a nose ring in high school?
Jake: Yes. Until it got infected and I almost went blind. Don't tell anyone.
Amy: Cool. It's our secret. Just gonna check my email up high. (holds her phone up over the picture of young Jake) No new messages.

Karen Peralta: Oh, must be your birthday surprise.
Jake: You got the '86 Mets? Be warned, a lot of them turned out to be drug addicts, so this could be a bummer.

Jake: Mom, I keep telling you, if you don't rein it in a little bit, you're gonna scare them off.
Karen Peralta: Well, that's what you said about Carla, and I ignored it, and now I have a friend with one arm.
Jake: I stand corrected.

Jake: Mom, seriously, the fire?
Karen Peralta: It's fine. Things don't burn down like they used to.
Jake: I'm just gonna put it out.

Jake: Seriously, it's gonna be fine. We're just gonna have some dinner, eat dessert, play charades, and then talk for half an hour about which of her friends are sick.
Amy: We're gonna play charades? You wait until t-minus two seconds to tell me that?

Amy: Unique, New York. Unique, New York. Unique, New York. I took a Toastmasters class to prepare for tonight.

Gina: Jake! Jakester! Remember when I did not email you about Captain Holt's "Escape the Room" thing tonight?
Jake: No, and I can't go. Amy and I are going to my mom's house for my birthday.
Gina: Adults don't care about their birthdays.
Jake: You came to work last year on a horse.
Gina: Man, forget you.

Captain Holt: Gina, are you excited for our "Escape the Room" team-building exercise?
Gina: I told you, sir, it would be far more effective for the squad to go to Vegas, and you give us each $5,000.
Captain Holt: No, I see no value in that.

Jake: Topics to avoid: how my dad left us and ruined our lives, how my dad got remarried twice and ruined our lives, how my dad moved to Canada and ruined our lives.
Amy: You know what? I'm just gonna steer clear of your dad entirely.
Jake: Smart.

Jake: What is my mother's favorite drink?
Amy: Red wine over ice.
Jake: Just like Diane Keaton, or so she always says.

Amy: I don't understand those things. Is walking really so hard for you?
Jake: Oh, Ames, walking's a nightmare.
Hitchcock: Yeah, Amy.