Quotes from ‘The 9-8’

The 9-8

'The 9-8' - Season 3, Episode 15

The Nine-Nine host the detectives from the Nine-Eight, their neighboring precinct, reuniting Jake with his old partner. Charles is immediately jealous and tries to reclaim his best friend status with Jake. Meanwhile, the rest of the precinct tries to be welcoming to the Nine-Eight, but it doesn't go as well as they had planned.

Air Date: February 9, 2016.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Massage! I'll give you a massage.
Gina: Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: All right, everyone, enough morning chitchat. Television happened, commutes were difficult, Boyle had a dream.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Look, I know this is an inconvenience; however, I expect you all to be accommodating to our guests.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't worry, sir, we will be cordial A.F. "As Frasier." Love that show.

Quote from Charles

Charles: So, I guess we all had great partners that we've completely moved on from.
Jake: Because yours died of old age?
Charles: He did.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: Captain, why are you doing this? You hate people in your space.
Captain Holt: Nonsense. I'm an easygoing chap.
Gina: Okay. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
Captain Holt: It was off by half a centimeter. It never should've been in circulation.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Now, if you'll excuse me.
Gina: Oh, he just sat at your desk.
Captain Holt: Good. Good. I was hoping he would.
Gina: He's adjusting your chair settings.
Captain Holt: Even the lumbar?
Gina: Exclusively the lumbar.
Captain Holt: So my spine'll hurt a little. It's only a highway holding all your body's nerves.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: She also likes to look up recipes online and go, "Who's got the time?"

Quote from Charles

Charles: Look, I'm so sorry, but I don't think there's room for a third person on this case. Jake, we should work it solo.
Jake: Whoa, hang on there, Boyle. Let's not be hasty. I mean, Stevie's been tracking Ozerov longer than we have. And three heads are better than two.
Charles: Three's a crowd. Everybody knows that.
Jake: What about in "The Lion King," huh? When Jamone and Purboy became friends with Steemba.
Charles: That's not the names. It's Simba, Timon, and Pumbaa, but I appreciate you trying. It really is a perfect analogy.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we listen some sweet stakeout jams?
Charles: Ooh, do you have the satellite radio station "Sedan Rock"?
Stevie: Seriously? Why not just go straight for the Toni Braxton while you're at it?
Charles: Oh, now you're gonna make fun of Toni? Who is this joker?

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, can you at least put her on a leash?
Brian: She's a medical professional. Okay? Would you keep a doctor on a leash?
Amy: That dog does not help you with your foot pain. You just want an excuse to bring her everywhere! Your dog is a fraud. Fraud dog!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Fraud dog! Fraud dog! Fraud dog!
Rosa: Juice Ellen! Juice Ellen!
Amy: Fraud dog!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I know it's crowded in there and they're not very considerate guests and they took my mouse and then they took my keyboard and then they took the whole computer. And when I had nothing else to give, they came for my yogurt. No, not just any yogurt. Full fat Greek with a touch of honey. That's a once a week treat!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa, you got any ideas?
Rosa: Hitchcock and Scully just set fire to the kitchen sink.
Scully: Oh, boy.
Hitchcock: Ooh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Perfect! Let's use that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You know, I wish I was like Charles. He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: Captain. You know what's kinda weird? There was no one was fighting over by the radiator. You were the only person standing near it.
Captain Holt: I suppose, in the hubbub, I may have tripped and busted a pipe.
Gina: I knew it! I knew you couldn't stand having someone in your space.
Captain Holt: He used my letter opener to cut his tuna sandwich in half! You were right. They were disrespectful and had to go. And, yes, sometimes you have to come up with a creative solution.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history.
Jake: The auction for The Suitcase of Mystery!
Gina: Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the lost and found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off.

Quote from Gina

Jake: I'll let you give me a spray tan. Any shade you want.
Gina: Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity. Who can top it?

Quote from Gina

Gina: "Orange Jake", going once, going twice.
Rosa: I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side-pony.
Gina: Rosa coming in hot! Rosa coming in hot!

Quote from Gina

Jake: I'll also give you full control of my hair and wardrobe!
Scully: I'll go on a date with you.
Gina: Sold! To Jake, not to Scully. That really freaked me out, and I just want this to end now.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Totally get it. My first partner was also pretty cool. Everyone called us "Chucky and the Coot."

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Guy: You guys have an extra mouse for my computer?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. But, hey, here, you can borrow mine. Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, we have a problem.
Hitchcock: Yeah, we do. The line for the microwave is insane!
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously, Amy? Your problem is Hitchcock and Scully's frozen burritos?
Amy: No!
Scully: Yeah!
Amy: Get our of here! Ugh! I'm trying to assemble my binders, but my new desk mate, Brian, brought a dog with him and my allergies are going crazy. I'm so stuffy, I can't even enjoy that new binder smell.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, you know what else is too tight? Us working a case together again.
Stevie: Swurt.
Jake: Whoo!
Charles: Yeah, we say "noice," not "swurt."

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, buddy. Look, I'm not gonna waste your time with some lame excuse about why we left you behind, all right? Just the truth. Stevie and I were taken hostage by an Armenian biker gang and thrown on a cargo ship headed to Asia, but we're back now.

Quote from Gina

Gina: You just say the word, and I will barge in there and kick that dude out.
Captain Holt: Don't be ridiculous. He is my superior officer. But more to the point, he's a welcome guest, and I am a good host.
Gina: He locked you out of your own office, didn't he?
Captain Holt: Yes, very much so.
Gina: Oh, Raymond.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Rosa, do you need to listen to it that loud?
Rosa: Yes! I'm trying to drown out the sound from Ellen, the chat factory, over there.
Ellen: My daughter got me a juicer for Christmas. Did you know that you can juice nuts? What?
Rosa: I'm two seconds away from juicing Ellen.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Look, I know that we didn't find any drugs, but I still think it was worth the risk.
Charles: Well, I think it was a crap circus. This whole operation is blown. If you ask me, the Beatsie Boys should be called the Thoroughly Messed-Up Millies.
Jake: What?
Stevie: I can't even imagine what you're going for.
Charles: I was being devastating!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: So, if we're gonna start a secret office on the roof, we need equipment. That means chairs, desks, printers, pens. But we gotta sneak it out, so we need a distraction.
Amy: Okay, here is what I'm thinking. We give that dog a bunch of chocolates. It dies.
While everyone celebrates-
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, Amy's too close to this.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: You're acting like little children playing basketball who've fallen behind by several two-pointer buckets so you just take your basket home, and now no one else can play.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know it's not the time, but you gotta watch basketball if you're gonna try to reference it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I know you planted the drugs at Ozerov's place.
Stevie: What?
Jake: Charles checked the dishwasher, and he didn't see any drugs.
Stevie: Yeah, well, they were there. All right? I guess he just missed them. Probably busy hiking up his pants above this belly button.
Jake: He has to do that because they don't make pants short enough for him.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Son of a bitch! I hope there's room in this fight for three.
Jake: There's not.

Quote from Gina

Gina: You have a 2:30 meeting with small head big body. I forgot to take his name.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Stevie Schillens, you have the right to remain-
Charles: A loser.
Jake: Noice. But, now legally, I have to start over, Charles.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Man, I sure will love to be here to greet all these annoying losers, but sadly, Boyle and I are going to be on a stakeout all week.
Charles: Yeah, just two best buds stinking up a Saturn with our druthers of tunes and personal pan pizzas.
Jake: That sucks.
Charles: That sucks.
Captain Holt: No-one enjoyed that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Stevie and I were beat cops together. We called ourselves the Beatsie Boys. And, yeah, it was as cool as it sounds.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Anyway, we should motor. Jake and I are staking out a bar called the Thirsty Ox lot of crime, lot of danger, lot of downtime for inside jokes. "Would you like some milk?"
Jake: What?
Charles: "Would you like some milk?" The guy! 'cause you look like -
Jake: I don't know - what you're talking about.
Charles: "Would like the milk?"
Jake: Please. What is it from?
Charles: He's funny. He remembers. Funny. Very funny.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We should work the case together.
Stevie: The Beatsie Boys reunion tour?
Jake: Tagline, "Boys Will Always Be Boys". No wait. "Some Boys Never Change". No wait.
"Boys to Men, Back to Boys". No wait. "Boy-ees!" No wait.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: He shouldn't have a pet in the precinct.
Amy: It's a "service animal" that he has made-up reasons.
Brian: I have mild foot pain, okay? Francie helps me with that.
Amy: How?
Brian: Legally, you're not allow - to ask me that.
Amy: Ugh.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: That is nothing. My new desk mate chats.

Quote from Charles

Stevie: The dealer I'm looking for is Tom Ozerov. Arrested him a year ago on a first-degree felony, but he made a deal and walked. Dude's a real lowlife.
Charles: Yeah, we've seen that guy. I said he looked like a lowlife, remember that, Jake? His pants were too tight.

Quote from Jake

Charles: All right, I'm in. Stevie can work the case.
Jake: Oh, right! Charles Boyle, welcome to the Beatsie Boys.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Don't worry about it. You can work the case without me. I'm busy bonding with my new desk mate, Paul.
Paul: Hi, my name's Paul.
Charles: Shh, Paul, nobody cares.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Jake, face it, I'm not a Beatsie Boy.
Jake: All right. Well, then neither am I. The Beatsie Boys are finished. If you're gonna be part of the group, we need a new name, a new name that you're gonna came up with.
Charles: Police Pals.
Jake: Okay, it's decent. You can come up with a couple options.
Charles: Not necessary. That's the one.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So, Gina, how's it going? What's the gossip?
Gina: "What's the gossip?" You can't stand being in your office with him, can you?
Captain Holt: No, I'm just curious about your life. I like to gab. So, uh, tell me about ... boys.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, too bad for you, because Jake agrees with me. We're always on the same...
Jake: ...page?
Charles: Yes! Told you.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: What the hell are you guys doing out here?
Scully: Finally eating breakfast. We snuck the microwave out here so we could cook our burritos like real policemen.
Hitchcock: Now they have to use the toaster oven. Enjoy your 16-minute cook times, idiots.

Quote from Charles

Charles: But I'm the only one who got slapped in the face.

Quote from Jake

Stevie: Hey, Ozerov, I'll have a martini with a twist. The twist? You're under arrest.
Jake: None for me; I'm driving you to jail.
Charles: He's clean. There's no drugs on him.
Jake: Damn it. We wasted those cool lines on nothing. Also, we blew the case. That's obviously much worse. That was my first thought.

Quote from Jake

Charles: I looked everywhere. I didn't find anything. Did you?
Jake: No. But mirror top coffee table, iguana cage, samurai swords on the wall. Either this guy is a drug dealer or he uses Nick Cage's interior designer.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: We did it. A new world. This must be how the founding fathers felt.

Quote from Charles

Jake: You know, you've been acting weird about Stevie all day. I think you might be jealous.
Charles: Of course I'm jealous. I was never hiding that.
Jake: How?
Charles: He's tall. He's funny. He can pull off an earring.
Jake: He doesn't have an earring.
Charles: But we both know he'd look good with one.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, my God What do you want me to say, Boyle? I've been trying to include you in this all day long. And, yes, I forgot you that one time, but I made up for it. I slapped you in the face.

Quote from Jake

Charles: You're supposed to be my friend.
Jake: I'm an adult man, I can have two close friends. Hell, I can have three close friends.
Charles: You wouldn't.
Jake: I would. Maybe I'll get in touch with my friend James from college. Ooh, or you know who just looked me up online? Brad from camp.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Stevie planted the drugs.
Jake: Come on!
Charles: I looked on that dishwasher before him, and it was empty. Stevie planted those pills. But you're right, he's the coolest! You guys should go get your ears pierced together. Invite Brad. It'll be smurt.
Jake: It's swurt, not smurt. So, joke's on you.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Sarge, take off your shirt! It's restricting your movement.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: What are you guys doing? Brawling with other police officers? What were you thinking?
Jake: Sir, I had nothing to do with this. I was arresting a dirty cop.
Captain Holt: I heard you scream out "I love this!"
Jake: Yes. "This" being justice. I love justice.

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