Quotes from ‘The Fugitive (Part 2)’

The Fugitive (Part 2)

The Fugitive (Part 2)
Season 4, Episode 12 - Aired January 1, 2017

A mass escape of convicts from a prison van in the streets of Brooklyn sends the entire squad on a manhunt. The only key witness? Former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch (guest-starring as himself). Meanwhile, Jake and Amy place a bet on who can bring in the most escaped convicts - and the loser has to move into the winner's apartment. Then, with only one fugitive still on the loose, Jake enlists a surprising ally.

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug Judy: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug Judy: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: You gave him full immunity? Are you insane?
Jake: You told me to cut a deal.
Captain Holt: I thought you'd maybe drop charges on one or two felonies. But do you know how many crimes we're forgiving? Six-
Jake: That's not so bad.
Captain Holt: Hundred!
Jake: Oh, that's way more.

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of "'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: (SNORTS)

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry hates hospitals. They reek of death.
Old Lady: Ahem.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, not you, ma'am. You reek of life.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm sorry. We only excluded you because you're kind of an over-texter.
Charles: Over-texter? That's not even a thing.
Gina: Oh really? So you don't remember the time you sent 97 unanswered texts in a five-minute span?
Amy: My phone vibrated itself off the desk. I think it was committing suicide.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, I see. So the only thing we have to go on is the word of one of your criminal friends?
Doug Judy: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain Holt: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug Judy: Damn. Even the bread one?
Captain Holt: Especially the bread one.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I didn't know we'd have to valet. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought Gertie.
Doug Judy: Who's Gertie?
Captain Holt: (CHUCKLES) That foxy little she-devil we just drove here in.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Gertie? No, man. A car's gotta have a sexy name, like Brooke, or Tiffany, or Sandra, or Candice.
Jake: Yeah, or Suzie, or Dana, or Karen. Oh, no, wait. That's my mom's name. Why did I say my mom's name?
Captain Holt: Ugh. The sight of another man inside her makes me sick.
Jake: Yeah. I dislike this conversation very much.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Treat her gently!
Doug Judy: You know that's not a nice car, right?
Captain Holt: Say that again!
Doug Judy: Damn, Cap. Be cool.
Captain Holt: (even louder) Say that again! ... That's what I thought.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in, like, a playful way, like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God. Was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie.

Doug Judy: Hey, baby. Nice legs. Why are you in your boxers?
Jake: So you would know I'm not wearing a wire. Your buddy Scott said I had to.
Doug Judy: Oh, that makes sense. Scott's a perv. Hey, Scott, wherever you're watching from, go home!

Jake: Okay, well, George is a murderer now and he just escaped from prison. We think he might be trying to flee the country. You want me to help you catch him?
Doug Judy: Like when X-men teamed up with Magneto to stop Apocalypse.
Jake: I heard that one was bad.
Doug Judy: Wasn't great.
Jake: I still want to see it though.
Doug Judy: I'd watch it again.
Jake: So, does that mean you're in?
Doug Judy: Course I am.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

Captain Holt: You're clearly friends with this man, and you've lost your objectivity, Peralta.
Jake: (Jake stands up, Doug Judy follows) Or have you lost your objectivity? (To Doug Judy) What are you doing?
Doug Judy: My bad. I thought we were leaving.
Jake: No. I'm just making a point here. Sit down.

Jake: Look, sir. There's a triple-murderer loose in Brooklyn, and it's our job to bring him in, even if that means forgiving a guy who stole some cars, and, yes, sold a few cats as dogs.
Doug Judy: More than a few. Weird how many people fell for that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Doug Judy: Look, Cap, I want to see George behind bars as much as you do. I hate my brother.
Jake: You can relate to that, right, sir? Remember how furious you got that time your sister ended an email with "thx" instead of "thanks"?
Captain Holt: Why would you bring that up?
Jake: It seemed pertinent.

Quote from Scully

Charles: Hey, guys. Guess what. To thank you for being such good friends, I picked up a big old basket of muffins. Follow me. Come on! I got all kinds of muffins! Blueberry muffins, poppy seed muffins, banana nut muffins, chocolate chip - Ooh, wait, there are no muffins.
Amy: What's happening now?
Charles: How's it feel being lied to, Huh?
Gina: I mean, I'm okay. I wasn't really that invested in the muffins.
Scully: I was.

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: You guys thought you could keep a secret from me? Well, I know everything. Hitchcock left his phone in the bathroom again, and guess what I found on it.
Hitchcock: I needed the cash. I didn't know they'd be filming.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Text chains. Dozens of text chains. And I'm not on any of them.
Take a look at this board. There's an Amy-Gina-Terry- Hitchcock-Rosa-Jake chain. There's a Hitchcock-Terry- Amy-Rosa Chain. There's even a Hitchcock-Gina-Scully chain. I mean, what the hell happens on that?
Gina: Well, we mostly just exchange "Game of Thrones" theories.
Hitchcock: The little guy is gonna marry a dragon.
Gina: We think.

Quote from Charles

Charles: It's okay. This isn't the first time I've been left out. At camp, nobody would be friends with me. I had to hang out with the lunch ladies. After summer ended, they never replied to any of my letters.

Captain Holt: No, no, no. He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.
Jake: It's just a windbreaker. It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun. ... Uh, he has both of those things.
Doug Judy: It's not loaded. I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase. (COCKS GUN) New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I'm putting myself on this case.
Jake: All right, Captain. Looks like New York's finest just got a whole lot-
Captain Holt: Let's go!

Jake: How do I look? Like I'm about to buy a bunch of expensive art?
Doug Judy: Hell, yeah. And not just paintings either. You look statue rich.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Come on, Boyle.
Charles: What's this about? Look, if you're leading me to some sort of big surprise apology where everyone's there and you all want me to join your stupid text chains, I am 100% in. These last 24 hours have just been hell.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Oh, it's just my former lover. Hello, sister.
Gina: Ugh, I hate when you say those things back-to-back.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Here.
Charles: You took my phone?
Gina: Yeah. I had to delete your GIF keyboard and your three "Property Brothers" emoji apps.
Charles: Wait. Did you delete them because-
Amy: Yeah. You're on the office text chain.
Charles: Are you serious? This is amazing.
Gina: Yeah, well I was totally against it, but Amy felt bad because you seemed so pathetic.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Apparently the Tsar of Russia gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present. I've never gotten a bejeweled anything. Stupid Amy.

Quote from Captain Holt

Doug Judy: Cap, got some hors d'oeuvres. I don't know what you like, so I guessed: the radishes they put on the side for decoration?
Captain Holt: Mmm, thank you. Cut into a flower? Where are we, Las Vegas?

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Freeze. NYPD.
Woman: What's going on?
Captain Holt: No scar. It's not Fran.
Jake: Then why was she running?
Woman: Because a strange guy started following me to the bathroom.
Jake: Right. Because men are horrible and the world is a nightmare.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: This where you been all day?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep. Just looking for clues.
Rosa: You're pretty sweaty.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry runs hot. Terry runs hot.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: You're trying to see if you can do that wall climb, aren't you?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. And I can't. I'm old.
Rosa: Because you can't parkour up a wall?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's everything. The TV's always too quiet. I don't like how baggy basketball shorts are. I even shook my fist at some skateboarders the other day.
Rosa: Oof.
Sergeant Jeffords: And there's something worse. Way, way worse. Terry needs reading glasses.
Rosa: It's not that bad, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, it is! I used to be Batman. Now I'm his dad. His dumb, weak, getting shot at the opera dad.

Captain Holt: How do we even know George did it? I mean, nobody saw him. But there was a prolific car thief at the scene of the crime.
Doug Judy: You talking about me? I'm a cop now.
Captain Holt: No, you're not.
Doug Judy: Then why do I have a badge and a gun? (COCKS GUN) The thin blue line just got thick as hell.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Fine. I've been kicked out of things before. At camp, I found a slam book that the lunch ladies had written about me.

Quote from Captain Holt

Doug Judy: Okay, so you guys are rich Europeans looking to buy a Shelby. I'll make the introductions.
Captain Holt: Wait, we can't just be Europeans. What country are we from?
Doug Judy: What languages do you speak?
Captain Holt: French, Spanish, some Portuguese. Obviously Greek, enough Flemish to get by.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: What about you, Peralta?
Jake: Um, I can do a pretty good Italian accent. (imitating Robert De Niro) "You think you could milk me?"
Doug Judy: So you're just doing De Niro from "Meet the Parents?"
Jake: (still impersonating De Niro) I don't know, am I?
Doug Judy: (impersonating De Niro) This is De Niro.
Jake: I think it's pretty good.
Doug Judy: Mine's better.
Jake: It's pretty good.
Doug Judy: (stopping the impressions) We'll just make you American.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Hey, did my brother stop by? I heard he jacked some nice cars, and I might have a buyer. This is Maxime Dubois, international millionaire.
Captain Holt: Bonjour.
Doug Judy: He doesn't speak any English. This is his lawyer, Carl Mangerson.
Jake: Hey, I'm a lawyer.

Quote from Jake

Griff: Hey, hey, is everything all right here, Maxine? You're speaking good English.
Jake: Eh, just a few phrases he picked up from movies and such. He's disappointed. He really wanted that Cobra. You know the French, so passionate, even their skunks. Pepe Le Pew. It doesn't matter; I'm a lawyer. No further comments.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Gertie!
Griff: What?
Jake: Uh, that was French for (in an accent strikingly like his De Niro impression) "I gotta make a phone call." He's gotta make a phone call. Frenchmens. You can't bring them anywhere.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: So if George went over that wall, he would have been caught on a security camera across- What you eating there, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Cream of Wheat. It's easy to chew, and it keeps you regular. It's a favorite dish of the elderly.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Stop freaking out about this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, I know. "I'm young at heart."
Rosa: No, you are super old at heart. You always have been. You love yogurt. You volunteer at your polling place. You refuse to deposit your checks at an ATM.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a machine. I don't trust it.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I get what you're saying, but at least I used to be a prime physical specimen.
Rosa: Dude, you have, like, 1% body fat.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now I'm at 1.8. I'm fat. I'm a fat, bald old man.
Rosa: You shave your head.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, Rosa. Vin Diesel and I shave our heads because we think it looks good.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right. We can run right through it. These suits are fire-resistant.
Captain Holt: These suits are not fire-resistant.
Jake: They're not? Then why are they so expensive?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, I can't believe this! I really thought I could trust Doug Judy this time.
Captain Holt: I kept telling you not to, but you wouldn't listen. You were too busy singing your songs and planning trips to Niagara Falls.
Jake: We just said neither of us had ever been. There were no hard plans.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, it's humiliating. Doug Judy thought he could manipulate me, and he could. I feel like I'm a terrible cop. ... Wow, I really thought you were going to chime in with something supportive there.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends.
Doug Judy: I don't know why you thought that.
Jake: 'Cause you kept saying we were. We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls.

Quote from Jake

George Judy: So, bro, you friends with this cop?
Doug Judy: Nah. This thirsty-ass bitch is just desperate for attention.
Jake: Thirsty-ass bitch? Okay, Captain, now I know you're going to step in and defend me.
Captain Holt: Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.
Jake: Oh, my God. This is the worst day of my life. Where's Charles?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Aha! I knew you didn't betray me. I said that accusatorily, but I'm very happy.
Doug Judy: Doug Judy and Peralta and Captain on the case, Joke's on you, they was always friends, Now I'ma get my immunity-
Jake: The ghost of the talking dog haunts the precinct. [talking] The talking dog died.
Doug Judy: Aww, man.
Jake: I know; it was a bummer note to end on.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Whoa. With that and the wheelchair, that's some pretty nice police work, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. You know, my muscles might not be as strong as when I was young, but one's stronger: my big, beefy brain. Now if you will excuse me, I have to process David Willis.
Rosa: Aww, you got a little necklace for your glasses.
Sergeant Jeffords: I had to. I almost lost them last night during "Wheel."

Captain Holt: I just got off the phone with the DA.
And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.
Doug Judy: So I'm a free man?
Captain Holt: Mm.
Doug Judy: (INHALES DEEPLY) Nope, still smells the same.

Quote from Captain Holt

Doug Judy: Hey, Captain, got you a little something-something.
Captain Holt: Gertie?
Doug Judy: Nope. But she is the exact same make, model, and color.
Captain Holt: Oh, my God, you stole this. I can't be driving a stolen-
Doug Judy: Relax, man. I bought it at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.
Jake: Yeah, it's not.
Doug Judy: And by the way, her name's not Gertie.
Captain Holt: It's Sexarella.
Hello, Sexarella.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, one thing's for sure: Charles Boyle is off the chains.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: But since this is the only lead you have, go do something with it.
Jake: Oh, we'll go do something with it. We'll go do something with the hell out of it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, auction over. I can't believe you thought Doug Judy was tricking us so he could steal the egg. If anyone was stealing any eggs, it was you 'cause you have egg all over your face.
Doug Judy: Is that why you've been so quiet these last four minutes? You had to think of that? Mm-hmm.
Jake: Was it worth it?
Doug Judy: Hell, yeah.
Jake: Ah, venomous burn. (BOTH HISSING)
Doug Judy: Suck out the poison. (BOTH SUCK IN AND SPIT OUT)
Captain Holt: Wow.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: He may not have been pulling something back there, but both of you were wrong about George Judy. He never showed. We wasted a day, and if anyone has egg on their faces, it's you two. Doug Egg and Egg Peralta.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Why would George Judy steal all these cars and not the egg?
Doug Judy: Easier to sell if you're in a hurry. Plus these are some valuable vehicles. Bugatti, Ferrari-
Captain Holt: Gertie.
Jake: I don't think Gertie was a prime target, sir.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Look, if I was gonna jack a bunch of cars, I would bring two of New York's best detectives with me to the scene of the crime.
Jake: Aww, you think we're the best?
Captain Holt: Flattery won't work on us.
Jake: What?

Quote from Gina

Amy: Okay, Charles, I was you on this text chain. I really do, but since you joined yesterday, you have sent 71 texts. The rest of the group collectively has sent two.
Gina: You know, honestly, I'd rather get hit by a bus than get one more text from you, Charles.

Quote from Charles

Amy: I'm sorry, Charles, but there is no story sad enough to save you now.
Charles: Challenge accepted. Once, as a tween, I got my penis entirely-
Amy: Okay, stop! No, no, no, no, no.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Our plan was just to teach you to text better.
Charles: You know, a lot of people like the way I text. Look, if you can't accept me for who I am, then I don't need this chain.
Gina: Okay, great.
Charles: No, no, no, I need to be included so badly. I'll do whatever you say.
I literally have zero pride.
Gina: And that's what I like to hear.
Amy: Oh, Charles.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm gonna find this bastard. I don't need this [Afghan] anymore. I should take my jacket, though. I mean, it's January. I ain't crazy.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Bye, Peralta!
Jake: No! Judy! Both Judys! Judys!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Okay, Charles. This is your final exam.
Amy: We're gonna show you a text and then two potential responses. You need to tell us which is more appropriate.
Gina: Amy writes, "Leaving the virgin festival"
Amy: Gina!
Gina: "Be there in ten minutes." Do you reply, "I'll be counting down the seconds.600, 599, 598, JK, LOL, 597, 596, smiley face, smiley face, cat smiley, thumbs up." Or, "Okay."
Charles: It's a trick question. The text requires no response.
Gina: Charles Boyle, welcome back to the Nine-Nine text chain.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: There's the car. How'd you know they'd be here?
Jake: Detective's intuition. Okay, fine. We went to Dave and Buster's together and got separated, so we turned on Find My Friends.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No, no, no. Those can't be my last words. Uh, ay caramba.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And, Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.
Captain Holt: Fine. You're a good cop even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.
Jake: Wow. Okay. Solved a pretty intense murder, and just crap all over me.

Jake: So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?
Doug Judy: I'm turning over a new leaf. Gonna live that honest life. Maybe open up a bakery, buy a little house, invest in my retirement.
Jake: You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?
Doug Judy: That's very much on the table, yeah.

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