Quotes from ‘The Audit’

The Audit

The Audit
Season 4, Episode 13 - Aired April 11, 2017

With the crime rate lowered, Brooklyn will be shutting down one of its precincts - permanently. The Nine-Nine is confident they will be evaluated fairly, until the official auditor turns out to be Amy's ex-boyfriend, Teddy. The whole squad then must band together to try to save the precinct.

Quote from Jake

Jake: He's gonna shut this place down, and we're gonna get shipped off to separate precincts. I don't think our relationship can survive that.
Amy: I mean, even if we don't work together, we can still be a couple.
Jake: If I don't see you every day, I will forget who you are. I'm like a goldfish.

Quote from Captain Holt

Teddy: You know what? We're just looking to eliminate waste.
Captain Holt: I assure you, you'll find zero waste here.
Teddy: Really? Because I did notice during my preliminary examination that you recently purchased a $21,000 copy machine?
Captain Holt: Well, that machine saves money in terms of man-hours. Uh, if you excuse me, Sergeant Wells, we need to go to the BRB. It's BRB time. We're BRB-ing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Make space.
Jake: You make space! This closet is for people who are freaking out.
Captain Holt: Oh, I'm fully freaking out. I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public. BRB what does it even mean?
Jake: Be right back.
Captain Holt: It has the same number of syllables as the acronym. What's the point?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Oh, God, they're gonna shut this precinct down and separate me and Jake. Our friendship is over. If he doesn't see my face every day, he'll forget who I am. He's like a goldfish.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Now, what do we do about the rats?
Charles: Well, lucky for us, I have recently come into a lot of wolf urine.
Rosa: That's lucky for us how?
Charles: It creates a scent impression that there are predators nearby. I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it to scare off bullies at his preschool.
Rosa: Did it work?
Charles: No, now they call him pee boy. He's much worse off. But wolf urine definitely scares off rats. We can use it to herd them toward the traps.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Sergeant, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.
Sergeant Jeffords: I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.
Captain Holt: Perhaps it's a paper jam.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?
Captain Holt: Toner issue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: There's something I'd like to show you, Captain.
(Japanese copier starts up)
Captain Holt: "Terry crushed it." It works! I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain Holt: And yet crime has continued.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: The auditor will start by joining Peralta and Santiago on their gang stakeout because-
Charles: They're America's dream couple.
Captain Holt: You need to calm down. We're in a workplace.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Why'd you have to say he was boring?
Amy: Because he is boring. His favorite app on his phone is "contacts."

Teddy: Standing in the briefing room a space that is approximately 50 feet by 40 feet. Actually, you know what? 55 feet by 40 feet. No, 52 feet by 41 feet. I'll just look at the blueprints at the City Planner's office. Hello, weekend plans.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Is this where people are freaking out? Because we are freaking out.
Rosa: Teddy dinged the One-Five for having roaches.
Jake: So what? We don't have roaches. Our rats ate all of them.
Rosa: That's the problem. We have rats.
Jake: Right, right, right, right, that's worse.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Excuse me, guys, coming in.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait. Gina, you sure you can fit in?
Gina: I'm sorry. Because of my injury, I can no longer fit in?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I meant physically.
Gina: I'll have you know, I am physically as strong as I've ever been stronger even. I'm Gina Linetti, and I can do anything, okay? Excuse me, please. Excuse me.
(ALL GROAN)
Gina: Oh, yeah, this is too crowded. Shouldn't have wasted my speech on this moment.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: You two need to figure out how to patch things up with Teddy.
Amy: He's still upset that I called him boring. We just have to pretend that he's interesting. I got pretty good at it while we were dating. We just have to smile and nod and agree with whatever he said last.

Quote from Amy

Jake: I'm still not sure who the second-best "Die Hard" villain is, though, you know? Probably Jeremy Irons. But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant, or it could be William Atherton.
Amy: Definitely the last one.
Jake: Right?
[current:]
Amy: No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Okay. We have to engage him on topics that he cares about. Pilsners he loves talking about pilsners. Oh, my God. Just saying the word gives me PTSD.
Jake: Pilsner-TSD.
Amy: Good one.
Jake: Thanks.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Pull yourself together and go out there and make Teddy feel like he's the most interesting man on Earth. I want him to think he's Andy Borowitz when this is all done.
Jake: On it. We'll go there and make him feel like whoever that person is. Let's go.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Okay, now what we need to do is fix that infernal copier. Jeffords, you did a year abroad in Tokyo. Maybe you can figure out the manual. It's in Japanese.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can try, but the only thing I really remember how to say is, "Do you have a bigger door I can enter through?"
Captain Holt: Bring me solutions, not problems.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Teddy, how's it going, my man? Nice to see you. I'm glad we get to spend this time together. I haven't seen you since-
Teddy: You broke me and Amy up.
Jake: Maybe. Probably not. Who can say when people last saw people?

Quote from Jake

Teddy: Of the Bohemians, what's your fave?
Jake: Scharfen grelderbrau. It's new. Millennials love it.
Teddy: Cool. Let me make note of that. [recording] "Just caught Detectives S and P in a bald-faced lie." You don't like pilsners. You hate pilsners. You think they're boring, and you still think I'm boring.
Jake: No. No lie. Detectives S and P didn't lie. Detectives S and P no lie.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, Teddy, let's not evaluate rashly here, all right? It's a misunderstanding. We're not saying pilsners are boring. We're saying that we are too boring to appreciate them properly, is what I'm going with.

Teddy: When we were going together, I was boring. It took our breakup for me to realize that.
Amy: So you're not still mad at me?
Teddy: No, no, no, you changed me. I found my wild side. My girlfriend and I do 5Ks now. We took a two-week trip to San Diego last year. The energy of that place is electric.

Quote from Jake

Teddy: Reminder invite Jake and Amy to jazz brunch tomorrow.
Jake: Uh, reminder we're in.
Teddy: Good. But I am actually gonna email you the invite, if you could just RSVP to that. I'd feel better if everyone had it on their calendars.
Jake: Copy that. We all have calendars. So that'll work out great, 'cause we all have one.

Quote from Gina

Gina: (meditating) You are strong. You are wise. You will have your revenge on all New York City buses.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, how stuck are you, Boyle?
Charles: Completely. My tail seems to have gotten knotted around a sprinkler. I think I can pull it.
Captain Holt: No, that might break the pipe. The last thing we need is a flood.
Charles: That's okay. I'm sure you'll have me down in no time.
Captain Holt: Incorrect. That would make a hole in the ceiling. You're there till Monday. We'll bring you some food in a bucket.
Rosa: Sir, I really think-
Captain Holt: He'll be fine.

Teddy: We got plenty of time for that. I'm gonna hit the little boys' room. When I get back, remind me to tell you all about the omelet-bar station.
Amy: We will.
Jake: You bet.
Teddy: Spoiler alert, two kinds of bell pepper.

Quote from Amy

Jake: I know accepting Teddy's jazz-brunch invite was the only way to get his phone back and save the Nine-Nine, but this place is literally hell.]
Jazz Singer: Eggs Benedict in a lickety split-
Jake: She's doing jazz about brunch. Maybe it's not too late to get out of here. We could start a new life in the country, maybe open a small bookstore.
Amy: How dare you tempt me with a small bookstore. We need to focus.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, here's the plan, we stage a fight. It escalates, and I flip over the table in dramatic fashion.
Amy: Do we need the table flip?
Jake: Amy, when the opportunity presents itself to flip-a da table, uh, you flip-a da table.

Quote from Amy

Amy: And in the chaos, you grab his phone, delete the recording, and we're golden.
Jake: Perfect. All right, let's stage a fake fight. This'll be fun, right? Pretending like we have things to be mad at each other about.
[cut to Jake and Amy at Teddy's table]
Amy: Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness, and the fact that he wasted half the morning deciding what sneakers to wear those are just some of the reasons we're late. No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Can I really quickly just say the real reason we were late was that Amy insisted on brushing her teeth for 30 minutes?
Amy: Two minutes or one minute, 58 seconds longer than you did.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So, Rachel, how did you guys meet?
Rachel: Oh. (LAUGHS) Such a wild story. So I was on an elevator and so was Teddy.
Jake: Oh, that's the whole story.
Rosa: I think it's romantic.

Quote from Amy

Jake: That was fun. We're really good at fake fighting. And you were amazing at coming up with all that stuff to be mad about.
Amy: Yep, totally, I just said all that stuff to save the precinct, and that's all.
Jake: Oh, my God. You don't actually care about my sneakers.
Amy: No! I care about them deeply. They're all so different.

Quote from Amy

Teddy: Hey, guys, it's Teddy from jazz brunch.
Amy: Hey, Teddy.
Jake: It's Teddy from jazz brunch. Why is he here?
Amy: I don't know. But the fake fight's back on. So shut it, you bigmouthed bitch and your stupid sneakers!
Jake: If you don't like my shoes, you can just tell me.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Teddy, I don't want to be with you.
Teddy: But you want to be with him? You guys have nothing in common.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Tell that to William Atherton the man we both consider to be the second-best "Die Hard" villain.
Jake: (GASPS) She meant it.

Quote from Amy

Amy: And also, yes, we are different people, but I love that about us. I love that Jake's a little messy and that he cares so much about his dumb sneakers and he doesn't get stressed out about calendars.
Jake: Or flossing my teeth.
Amy: No, the non-flossing is crazy.
Jake: Copy that, and I love you.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: This is on you, Boyle. You couldn't just suck it up and let a few dozen crazed rats eat you until their hearts exploded?

Quote from Gina

Amy: Wow. This place looks amazing.
Captain Holt: Yes, thanks to Gina. She's responsible for all of it. She's an inspiration.
Gina: Thank you, Captain. You have permission to share my story.

Quote from Jake

Teddy: Hey, everybody, look who's here. It's me, the most boring man in America.
Jake: Well, to be the most anything in America is pretty good. I mean, it's a big country.

Lieutenant Hopkins: Hello, Nine-Nine. I'm Lieutenant Hopkins. Hello, Terry Jeffords. Come here and give an old friend a hug.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey. So good to see you.
Lieutenant Hopkins: (whispering to Terry) I'm shutting the Nine-Nine down, and there is nothing you can do about it. (to everyone) Oh! This place is fantastic. This is gonna be fun.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Attention. I've been asked to read this statement. "Two months ago, Gina Linetti was hit by a bus, "and the brightest star in the cosmos was extinguished.But today, like a phoenix from the ashes, she rises to vanquish" This is ten pages. I can't read it. Gina's doctor said it was okay for her to come back to work today. Here she is.

Quote from Gina

Gina: As much pain as I've been in, I can't imagine what it's been like for you living in a Gina-less world for two months.

Quote from Gina

Gina: I'll field some questions now. Anyone?
Amy: Uh, how long do you have to wear the-the (stammering) metal, the head holder-
Gina: It's called a halo. The doctor said I have to wear it for another week. It's drilled into my skull here. And, yes, I can still hear the screws squeaking into the bone.

Quote from Gina

Jake: So what was it like getting hit by a bus?
Gina: It was awesome.
Jake: Ah, I knew it. I always wanted to get hit by a bus.
Gina: Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.
Rosa: Tight. What does she look like?
Gina: Ethnically ambiguous.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Sorry I'm late. I was on a call with One Police Plaza. Apparently crime in Brooklyn is down significantly.
(ALL CHEER)
Captain Holt: Which means they'll be permanently closing one precinct.
Amy: What?
Jake: We celebrated too soon.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: An auditor will arrive shortly. He'll evaluate us on crime stats, physical plant, fiscal responsibility. There are 22 other precincts in Brooklyn, so we just don't want to rate at the bottom.
Rosa: Are they gonna be looking in our desks? Also, unrelated someone left a bunch of swords in my desk.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: I have a similar question about browser histories.
Captain Holt: Just throw your computer away.
Hitchcock: Roger that.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Oh, looks like the auditor is here.
Rosa: Isn't that Teddy, Amy's ex-boyfriend?
Amy: Yep.
Rosa: Jake, didn't you break them up?
Jake: Yep.
Rosa: Amy, didn't you tell him to his face he was the most boring man alive?
Amy: Yep.
Rosa: This is gonna be awkward.
Both: Yep.
Rosa: We had a good run.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Let's not panic just yet. Maybe he doesn't remember us ruining his life and stomping all over his heart.
Teddy: Hey, everyone. I'm Sergeant Wells. Jake, Amy, nice to see you.
Jake: Teddy, nice to see you, too. Excited to have you in the field with us.
Teddy: Good. I just hope I don't bore you to death.
Jake: Ah, what? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. What's that? The crime phone is ringing? We have to answer it. Come on, Amy. BRB.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sergeant Wells, have you been to other precincts yet? How'd they do?
Teddy: Well, you know, everyone's got their issues.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's too bad. I want all my brothers in the NYPD to do perfectly. The Seven-Four is corrupt. You didn't hear it from me.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: This is all your fault. You just had to sleep with Teddy, didn't you? You couldn't keep it in your pants.
Amy: Come on, Charles.
Captain Holt: He's right, Santiago. Your libido has endangered us all.

Quote from Gina

Gina: What about me? Like, what should I do?
Captain Holt: I just thought maybe you could take it easy. It's your first day and-
Gina: I'll have you know, I am as strong physically as I have ever been. Stronger even.
Sergeant Jeffords: You already did this.
Gina: Yeah, I have short-term amnesia. I got hit by a bus. But don't worry. I am as strong physically as I have ever been stronger even.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. You can help me with the copier.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Too bad we're on the job, right? Could've stocked that thing with pilsners.
Teddy: You like pilsners?
Jake: Are you kidding me? I kills for the pils. I'm a total pils-nerd.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Teddy: What's your poison German or Bohemian?
Jake: The last one that you said.
Teddy: Good choice.
Jake: The last one always is. Wow. This is fun. I could talk with you about pilsners all day.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: We've made absolutely no progress. It took forever to bait the traps because Scully kept eating the peanut butter out of them.
Scully: You can't prove it was me, Rosa.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Now we're gonna use the wolf urine to flush the rats out of the walls and into our traps.
Charles: That's where I come in. I'm going up in the ceiling.
Captain Holt: Why are you dressed like that?
Charles: Mobility. It's a good thing I still have my sexy-cat costume from Halloween.
Rosa: I really don't think you were the target audience for that item.
Charles: There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat. Now, please hand me that big jug wolf pee I rub on my kid.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But back at the precinct, you said, "I hope I don't bore you to death."
Teddy: (LAUGHING) That was a joke. Humor is the tool of the interesting.
Jake: Right. A tool that you have clearly mastered.

Teddy: Guava juice, mango juice, orange juice, of course, grapefruit juice, and cranberry juice.
Amy: Jazz brunch sounds insane.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, my God, he's so boring.
Amy: He's so boring.
Jake: Most boring man in America.
Amy: And that's him trying to be interesting. That is Spring Break Teddy.
Jake: How did you ever date him? Oh, no, he has a really big wiener, doesn't he? Wait. Don't tell me if that's true, unless it's not. No, but then if you don't say anything, I'll know that it is. Oh, why aren't you saying anything about his wiener, Amy?
Amy: Jake.
Jake: Stop, stop, stop, stop. I don't want to hear about your ex's wiener. Just you're not making me feel better. Why would you do this to me?
Amy: Jake, stop spiraling.
Jake: Every time you shake me, I see it flopping around.
Amy: Stop.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow. Perfect timing, successful stakeout. There's no way that Sergeant Boring Big Wiener will shut us down now.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Oh, this is bad.
Jake: What? What's wrong? Oh, my God. It was recording the whole time. We said all that bad stuff. Sorry. I was so preoccupied with the wiener stuff. Oh, this is bad. But while I have you, just stop me. [pulling his hands apart to indicate length]

Quote from Jake

Amy: Look, Teddy's over there. Oh, and he's in fun, casual wear. His phone is out on the table, like it always is, because he fears the radiation will affect his testicles.
Jake: Which are connected to his average-sized-
Amy: Jake.
Jake: Right. It's misshapen. That's all that matters.

Quote from Amy

Jake: I am so sorry. I got carried away. I will now clean this up entirely by myself.
Amy: No. No, please keep your eyes on me as I make this sincere apology. I am sorry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, man, Teddy, look what happened. Your phone landed directly in this glass of OJ.
Teddy: That seems almost impossible.
Jake: "Almost" being the key word, but it happened for real, and we all know it.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: My copier!
Captain Holt: My precinct!
Rosa: Charles!

Teddy: Amy, we have all the same interests. We have so much chemistry. When we're together, it's like, no matter where we are, it's San Diego.
Jake: I feel compelled to tell you that San Diego's terrible.

Amy: Jake and I were only pretending to fight so that we could destroy your phone. While we were on the stakeout and you were in the bathroom, we said you were the most boring man in America, and your phone recorded it. I'm sorry.
We didn't want you to get mad at us and fail the precinct.
Teddy: Wow. You guys are the worst.
Jake: Well, you just proposed in front of your girlfriend, so potato, po-tah-to.
Teddy: Amy, I loved you. All right, I'm ready to go, Rachel. Should we hit up the Tenement Museum?
All: No!

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: So how'd it go with Sergeant Wells?
Jake: Let's see. He proposed to Amy. She said no, and then his girlfriend dumped him.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's getting nervous.
Amy: It's worse than it sounds. There was a jazz brunch involved.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Sergeant Wells, I understand that you're upset for personal reasons, but we're hoping that you'll give us a fair evaluation.
Teddy: I will not 'cause I'm not gonna write one at all. I'm recusing myself.
Amy: Oh. That is so sweet. Thank you for being such a good guy, Teddy.
Teddy: Okay. I can read between the lines, and I love you, too. Amy Santiago, will you-
Amy: No! Get up!
Jake: Come on!

Quote from Charles

Teddy: Well, for what it's worth, your precinct is immaculate. I'm sure that your new auditor, Lieutenant Hopkins, will be very impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Veronica Hopkins?
Teddy: That's the one.
Jake: Well, the good news is, Amy has not dated her.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, but I did, and she hates me.
Charles: Why can't any of you keep it in your pants?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You took two weeks off when Kourtney and Scott Disick broke up. Are you sure you're ready to be back at work now?

Quote from Hitchcock

Gina: What are you saying, Terry? You think I can't handle being back yet? (CHUCKLES) Watch this. (Gina dances to Salt 'n Peppa's "Push It" in a stilted, robotic manner while screaming in agony)
Hitchcock: Gina Linetti is back, baby!

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