Quotes from ‘The Pontiac Bandit Returns’

The Pontiac Bandit Returns

The Pontiac Bandit Returns
Season 2, Episode 10 - Aired December 7, 2014

When Jake and Rosa catch the Pontiac Bandit, Doug Judy, who betrayed them on a previous case, he bargains for a plea deal by promising to turn in a top "Giggle Pig" supplier. Meanwhile, Gina and Boyle worry their parents are getting to close, while Amy ignores the Captain's wishes and makes him a unique Christmas gift.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Gina, you need to see this.
Gina: Oh, Charles. I can't take that. It's clearly not cash, and I don't have time in my life to return things.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights. Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures. It's got every moment of his career, "From Ray to Z".
Sergeant Jeffords: This is a very bad idea. Amy: I know, I'm not happy with the title either, but my backup was "keep holting on," but that just makes him sound like he's sick.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: I asked the captain what qualified as a gift and he said anything I spend money on. Then I realized, my time is worth nothing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Not a gift, snitch. It didn't cost me anything. Just my worthless man hours.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Attention everybody, holidays of many cultures approach. This truly is a joyful time. Join me for a festive Winter party at Shaw's Bar this Friday, 7-9. Any questions
Scully: AM or PM?
Captain Holt: I'm gonna let you figure that one out.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Also, I'd like to reiterate my gift policy: none allowed. Enjoy this Merry Season.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Hey, first things first. I swear to you we are gonna catch Doug Judy.
Jake: Yeah, I know. We did it once. We can do it again.
Rosa: No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard that was to make that choice and let him get away.
Jake: No, it was an easy call. I know how much this task force means to you.
Rosa: It means so much, and it's been so stressful, and it went so well. Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling. How do people do this with their faces?

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: All right, there's no windows. You can go in. But leave the door open, and I'm hanging on to this [hairdryer].
Doug Judy: What in the world would I do with that?
Jake: Point it at my face until my eyeballs dry out and I lose my sense of sight. Then shove it in my mouth, so I can't yell for help, and finally run out the front door and disappear forever.
Doug Judy: Nah, I was just gonna use it to dry my undercarriage later.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: All right, fine. If this is going down, I wanna be on this case, and my sole focus is Doug Judy. He never leaves my sights.
Doug Judy: Love it! Pontiac Bandit and Jake. PB&J ride again! [singing] Reunited and it feels so good... It's a duet. Get in on this. [singing] Reunited 'cause we understood

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left on the outside.
Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce. Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.
Captain Holt: Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner. $60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.
Doug Judy: Four-star hotel like the Oneida. $200 on food. No minibar or alcohol, but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Quote from Doug Judy

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I've already got my cover story worked out. My name is Dante Thunderstone. I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.
Doug Judy: You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.
Jake: While she was pregnant with me. She passed. I lived. Some say that makes Zeus my dad. Oh! Mythic.

Quote from Darlene Linetti

Darlene Linetti: A digital scale? Lynn Boyle, you're a horrible, horrible man. You went way over our price limit. And I love it!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh yeah, the one without the daddy is the one with daddy issues? Explain that logic.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'll have one Lobster Thermidor, extra thermidor on the side. I have no idea what I'm ordering.
Doug Judy: Me neither. We're like culinary magellans. You know how we take this to the next level? Robes!
Jake: Robes.
["Reunited" by Peaches & Herb plays]

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: I've got to tell the captain. Do you think he'll be upset?
Sergeant Jeffords: Probably not. I mean he seems like the kind of laid back guy who delights in having his mistakes exposed. Maybe next year you can do a collage about low points in his marriage.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: You are not to enjoy it.
Doug Judy: I can't help it. I'm proud of you. You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.
Jake: How would that even work? Am I adopted?
Doug Judy: No, your mother's just really pale. Almost invisible.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Nog! Nog! A little Christmas humor.
Captain Holt: Yes, the Nog from Egg-Nog used in place of knock.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Ooh, more work! I know that sounded sarcastic-
Sergeant Jeffords: Nobody thought that.
Captain Holt: Not for a moment.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I know you're being sarcastic, sarge, but I really do love making collages.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Do you know how disgustingly entangled our lives will be if our parents turn into a real couple?
Charles: Yes! You think I want you and your mom horning in on the Boyle boys mimosa brunches? That's our guy time.
Gina: Ugh.

Quote from Doug Judy

Rosa: All right, big sugar. Four-star hotel room, you happy?
Doug Judy: Okay, okay. Okay, flat screen TV. King-sized bed. Hangers you can take off the rod? This is what's up. This place is nice. We should settle down here, Rosa. Now if y'all excuse me, I'ma go freshen up. I'm feeling stanky.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Oh, one last thing. Diaz has to be nice to me. I want her to call me big sugar.
Jake: Ha, hugh mistake, bud. She'll never agree to that.
Rosa: No, I'm in. Let's do this, big sugar.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: All right, this next part is like french kissing.
Jake: Got it. Jam it in there and move it around wildly.
Doug Judy: I gotta ask, Peralta, do the ladies enjoy that technique?

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: And, Rosa, you could be my wife... Rosa.
Rosa: Why would you take your wife with you to meet a drug dealer?
Doug Judy: 'Cause we're partners in everything we do.
Jake: Aw.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Boyle, this is bad. I thought our parents were just having a casual fling, but presents is like old people third base.
Charles: No, that's rubbing butts together.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Hoo-hoo! Did you see the menu? Lobster thermidor. Baked Alaska. It's so fancy, it don't even sound like food.

Quote from Doug Judy

Rosa: Hey, so I checked again. Doug Judy still hasn't surfaced.
Jake: Yeah, he has. He just sent me this.
Doug Judy: [in video] What's up, Peralta? Greetings from paradise. Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How do you mess up an omelet? It's just a flat egg.
Jake: He pretty much just talks about the omelet for the next ten minutes, but...
Doug Judy: About my escape. This is my associate Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.
Rosa: Son of a bitch.
Jake: Yup, and when he ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.
Doug Judy: Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas!

Quote from Jake

Kyle: Three lobster thermidors, spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad with tater tots instead of croutons.
Jake: Oh, that's me. Salad. I'm trying to eat healthy.
Doug Judy: I hear that. Your body is a temple.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Attention please! Attention. I'm sorry to interrupt your holiday revelry. It truly is a fun night.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, I'm searching it.
Doug Judy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Peralta, what you doing, putting your fingers in my fancy feast?
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: How am I supposed to escape using a lobster?
Jake: Squeeze the lemon in my eyes, so I can't see, stab me in the jugular with a claw, and then shove the tail down my throat, so I can't scream for help. I gotta keep my eye on you, Judy. You're a slippery guy.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Text Ruiz now, friend. Fine. Tito, dot, dot, dot. You around, question mark. Wanna meet up, period. Speech to text, we live in a magical age.
Jake: It's like The Jetsons.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Santiago, I want to thank you for my gift.
Amy: You like the scrapbook?
Captain Holt: I don't know. I'm a man of my word, so I did not peruse.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Has Captain Holt ever told you about the Brooklyn broiler?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. Arsonist. Burned down 12 buildings in Crown Heights. Captain's told me about it many times.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [blowing out a match] You flamed out. Dirt bag.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, my God! I have an idea. Let's open presents. I wanna see what everyone got everyone and how everyone reacts poorly.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: So I was just looking through some old files, and I think I may have found a mistake in a closed case.
Captain Holt: Which one?
Amy: It was actually... Now that I think of it, if I'm remembering correctly, and I could be wrong on this, but-
Sergeant Jeffords: It's the Brooklyn broiler.
Captain Holt: What? That dirtbag flamed out ages ago.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: "From Ray to Z"? I thought I told you no gifts. Take this away, and bring me the broiler's file. I'll look into this mistake.
Amy: Actually, the evidence is part of the scrapbook, so I have to leave the whole thing.
Captain Holt: Fine, I'll look at the relevant pages, but as for the rest, I will not peruse.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow, sweet setup. What do you make here?
Tito Ruiz: Don't worry about it.
Jake: Oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Bye bye, Peralta. Here's your GPS.
Jake: No! Ha-ha, I got you!
Doug Judy: Yeah, you did, but your boy Tito's getting away.
Jake: Damn it! Damn you, Doug Judy!
Doug Judy: I'll never forget you, Dante Thunderstone!

Quote from Jake

Jake: You have the right to remain Doug Judy. Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy. Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who will remain nameless. I'll start over.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: What are you doing? You look like a pervert.
Jake: Putting a GPS tracker in his shoe. He is not getting away from me again, even if it means putting my favorite hand into his rotten stink-boot.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! Whoa, thank you, good sir! The elves will not starve this night.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: I can give you Tito Ruiz.
Jake: Oh, come on, Judy! I mean, how do we even know this is real? This guy's a huckster! He's a lie guy.
Captain Holt: Peralta has a point. You have been a lie guy to us before.
Jake: Thank you.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Diaz, what's our status right now?
Rosa: We've picked up a bunch of dealers, but our main target is Tito Ruiz. We believe he runs the whole operation, only we can't prove it because none of his people will turn on him just because he bit off a few noses. Babies.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm making a Christmas present for Captain Holt. I know, I know. He has a strict "no gift" policy, but I found a loophole.
Sergeant Jeffords: Like your loophole last year?
[flashback:]
Amy: So I was just gonna throw out this brand-new squash racquet, but then I thought, "Hey, maybe the Captain could use it."
Captain Holt: I don't want your garbage.
Amy: No, it was a very expensive gift.
Captain Holt: Aha, suspicions confirmed.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: So this is where all the tape went. I gotta put up this pictures my daughters drew.
Hitchcock: And I need some 'cause I cut my hand.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock! Go to the hospital!
Hitchcock: And give 100 bucks to some doctor to give me the exact same tape? I don't think so.

Quote from Charles

Gina: We need to figure out what is in this horrible package, so we can determine where they're at in their relationship. What if it's a romantic book or, like, a picture of the two of them in a frame? Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?
Charles: The kind that dissolve in your mouth.
Gina: Ew, no! No, Charles, ew.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Anyways, it's a shame I gotta ruin your celebration by cutting a deal and getting out of here.
Jake: Never! Right?
Doug Judy: I'm just saying, I know a lot of real high-profile felons. Makes me a very desirable tattletale.
Rosa: We will never cut a deal with you, not after you screwed us last year.
Doug Judy: You don't want any info on a local burglary ring, perhaps?
Captain Holt: Not good enough.
Jake: Testify, Captain!
Doug Judy: How about a guy who makes fake credit cards?
Captain Holt: Negative.
Jake: You see that, Judy? No matter what you say, you're going to jail.
Doug Judy: What about drugs? Y'all ever heard of giggle pig?
Rosa: What do you know?
Captain Holt: We're listening.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no, we're not listening. We can't hear him. Everybody shoot your guns in the air.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Good people of the nine-nine, I present to you the seventh wonder of the world, Doug Judy, aka the Pontiac bandit, foiled at last!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Take a good look, kids. This is what happens when you're naughty!

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: Doug Judy, you're under arrest. Put your hands in the air.
Doug Judy: Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Quote from Jake

Jake: NYPD! Stop where you are! Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Jake, holy crap, 9:00.
Jake: The Pontiac bandit, aka Doug Judy. Okay, Santa, stay calm, just like we practiced. Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy- Christmas. Damn it!
Doug Judy: Peralta?
Jake: No!
Doug Judy: Onion ring attack!
Jake: Ah! Greasy!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum. Presents!
Rosa: God, you're bad at being Santa.

Quote from Gina

Charles: How did you do that?
Gina: I always open my gifts in advance, so I can rehearse my reactions and nail those Christmas-morning candids. Check it out. Be-wonderment. (Gasps) Disbe-loving it. Sparkle-surprise.

Quote from Lynn Boyle

Lynn Boyle: Thank you, Charles and Gina, for inviting us on this double date. Kind of like a fun, Christmas four-way.
Darlene Linetti: Well put, Lynn. A very sweet sentiment.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Do you know why I don't accept gifts?
Amy: Because you're so evolved, you don't need material things.
Captain Holt: Because I don't like brown-nosing.
Amy: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Youch. That was hard to watch.

Submit Quotes