Quotes from ‘The Big House Pt. 2’

The Big House Pt. 2

The Big House Pt. 2
Season 5, Episode 2 - Aired October 3, 2017

When the warden asks Jake to investigate Romero's drug smuggling operation, Jake and Caleb find themselves caught between the loyalty Jake has sworn to both of them. Meanwhile, Amy is offered a deal by a local mobster who claims he can prove that Hawkins is guilty, but Holt and the rest of the gang think they have a safer plan.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint. King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
Tank: Isn't that the plot and tagline of The movie "Training Day"?
Jake: Yes, great observation, Tank. That's because it's based on my life.

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone. Oh, boy, that happened fast. Guard? Guard!

Quote from Amy

Amy: A 300 call number in the fine arts section? What is this, Beirut?
Debbie: You know, you don't work here. You don't have to reshelve the books.
Amy: Well, someone has to. I'm so sorry. I'm just really stressed out. You're a great librarian, and I'm sure you're not the one who shelved this section.
Debbie: I am.
Amy: God, Debbie, what is going on with you?

Quote from Charles

Amy: I understand, but we've been watching Hawkins for a month, and we have nothing to connect her to the robberies. Maybe we should pursue other routes.
Charles: Um, some of us are already pursuing other routes, Amy. [flashback] "This is Charles Boyle, and you're listening to A God in Shackles. This podcast is brought to you by Fun Frames, make your spectacles a spectacle."
Amy: And how is your podcast supposed to get Jake out of prison?
Charles: I lay out the facts, people see he was framed. I build an audience. I get a celebrity listener. It's Debra Messing. She tweets a link. Now Sean Hayes is involved.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: Could we put a mirroring app on her phone so we could watch everything she does?
Hitchcock: Oh, those work great, but you have to physically have her phone to install it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I know how we can get Hawkins' phone. We get her to visit prison. They make you leave your phone in your car. I wanted to record Jake for the podcast, but they said I couldn't. I had to have Terry on as a guest.
Sergeant Jeffords: I gave up my Saturday for that. You said I did great.
Charles: I'm the host. I have to say that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Maybe you could just imagine doing that. It'd be probably just as fun as actually doing it, right?
Rosa: No.
Captain Holt: I'm with Diaz. Imagination is never the solution.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Captain Holt, can you distract the lot attendant?
Captain Holt: I'm not Captain Holt. I'm Joe Wozniak, here to see my girl in prison. And, to help me pass as a straight Kevin's rose-shearing hat.

Quote from Captain Holt

Guard: Can I help you?
Captain Holt: I'm just trying to work up the nerve to see her.
Guard: See who?
Captain Holt: My female wife, Crystal. I was cheating on her with a waitress from Wing Sluts named Jamie-Lynn. One night, when I was philandering, Crystal caught me kissing Jamie-Lynn's heavy breasts. She flew into a rage, and now she's serving five years for aggravated assault.
Guard: Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Captain Holt: Yeah, thanks, man. Hey. Bring it in?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You should've seen Jamie-Lynn. She looked exactly like "Maxim" Hot 100 honoree Jasmine Sanders.

Quote from Captain Holt

Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.

Quote from Charles

Amy: This is a dead end. Maybe I should call Seamus Murphy before it's too late.
Captain Holt: I thought we agreed that's a bad idea.
Amy: What other options do we have?
Charles: There is still the podcast.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You know what? I think my Blizz is wearing off. I should probably go lie down.
Romero: Yeah. The diarrhea's coming. That is very common. Don't let the volume scare you.
Jake: Wait. Volume as in noise or amount? Oh, God, it's both, isn't it?

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Everyone on the ground!
Amy: Put down your weapons!
Charles: You're being recorded for a podcast! You will sign a consent form.

Quote from Jake

Warden: So, how was your first stint in solitary?
Jake: It was nothing. I held it together. [flashback] Oh Amy. When'd you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl.
Whoa, lost a booby. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes!

Quote from Scully

Amy: He said I have three days to decide.
Captain Holt: We should tread lightly. Seamus Murphy is the head of the most brutal crime family in New York.
Scully: This is bad. This is really, really bad.
Captain Holt: Are you concerned about Seamus Murphy, Detective Scully, or were you having trouble with the jumble?
Scully: Oh, the first one.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Scully and I went out to Flaxton Hill Farms to watch the guy who testified for Hawkins. All he does is feed his pigs.
Scully: They eat seven or eight meals a day sometimes by force. They're living the dream.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know they get slaughtered.
Hitchcock: Worth it.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: No, absolutely not. What would I even say to her?
Captain Holt: Well, perhaps you could ask her to put in a good word for you with the warden, so you can get extra yard time.
Rosa: So, you want me to beg the woman I hate for mercy. Cool. Oh, one problem.
How do I stop myself from smashing through the glass and squeezing the life out of her with my bare hands?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: We just need three minutes to get inside her car and install the app.
Rosa: Okay. I can grovel for three minutes. But one second more-
Captain Holt: Yes, yes, we know. You burst through the glass and squeeze the life out of her with your bare hands.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Did you see that? Romero just went into the showers for the second time today.
Caleb: Well, maybe he just likes to relax.
Jake: No one is relaxed in a prison shower. It's literally the most tense situation I've ever been in.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What's he doing in there? That must be where he stashes the Blizz. Unless he's just having sex no, but he's a huge homophobe. It's where he stashes the Blizz. But all homophobes are secretly gay. You know what? It doesn't matter. We'll check it out later, when he's done.

Quote from Jake

Caleb: Do you really think this is where Romero's stashing the drugs?
Jake: I mean, it's a good idea. There's no cameras in here. What does Blizz look like?
Caleb: Like little white candies.
Jake: Oh, I love candies many say, to the point that it'll eventually kill me.

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: When is Hawkins gonna unlock her phone? We've been staring at her stupid face for 14 hours.
Hitchcock: I don't mind.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Shalom, Amy.
Amy: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: Taking this undercover mission seriously. Seems like I'm the only one.
Amy: It's a bus station. We don't need disguises. Anyone can be here.
Charles: Typical shiksa.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: She set us up.
Charles: Oy vey.

Quote from Charles

Amy: How did she know we were mirroring her phone?
Charles: We had one chance, and we blew it!
Amy: I know you're upset, but it's really hard to take you seriously when you still look like that.
Charles: I used Broadway-caliber spirit gum. This baby is fused to my cheeks.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Squad, I think I'm onto something. I was listening to an episode of Boyle's podcast.
Charles: Not the one Terry was on, I hope.
Captain Holt: No, of course not. That one was problematic.
Sergeant Jeffords: What did I do that was so wrong?

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: It was the episode about Flaxton Hill Farms. The part where Scully said the pigs were being force-fed. These pigs weigh more than 200 pounds, which means they're finishing pigs. And why would a farmer force-feed a finishing pig?
Amy: I don't know what finishing pigs are.
Sergeant Jeffords: Me neither.
Charles: I'm totally lost.
Captain Holt: Because he was feeding them something other than food!
Amy: The diamonds! She's moving them inside the pigs! Let's move!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Pawn to king square five, king's knight to the third square on the bishop's file, queen takes on F7! Checkmate! Now, that's a chess move. Buh-bye now.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Can I buy a free man a drink?
Jake: I'd rather have a drink of that mouth.
Amy: Ugh.
Jake: I'm sorry, I just, I love you.
Amy: I love you too.
Rosa: Hello, I'm also back.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Rosa.
Rosa: So, I heard you spent some time in solitary. Pretty dope, right?
Jake: Uh ... [flashback] "Scar, Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba. Oh, Mufasa, did I miss it? That's simply awful." ... I handled it well.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I can't believe your obscure knowledge of pig-feeding charts saved us. How did you even think of that?
Captain Holt: Frankly, I'm embarrassed it took so long. I should've realized the second I saw those hogs.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Warden. What's up?
Wardne: Next time, don't wait so long to spit the cookie. I've been waiting in here for four minutes, and it's gross.
Jake: Yeah, it really is.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, what happened with that sweet intel I gave you?
Warden: Your tip was garbage. We busted Romero's delivery. Get this nothing but toothbrushes, shampoo, and soap.
Jake: Ooh, lemon verbena. Can I keep this?
Warden: Yes, you should you reek.
Jake: You put me in the hole.

Quote from Jake

Warden: Maybe you just need some extra incentive. Find the stash, or I'll tell everybody you're a snitch.
Jake: What? No. They'll kill me. You don't want that, right? It'd probably be a lot of paperwork for you.
Warden: Oh, it's not. It's just one form, and it's already filled out. We just have to staple a picture of your corpse to it.
Jake: Great. Prison is great.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Whoo-hoo! That was also not about the jumble. We're all excited about the same thing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You don't need me. But, maybe I could learn from you. You know? Sort of shadow you for a while and see how your operation runs. Go from bitch to boss, as it were.
Romero: Jake, you stop pushing it. You're gonna make me think you're a snitch.
And you know what I do to snitches?
Jake: Give them a public dressing down?
Romero: Castrate them. And then I kick 'em to death.
Jake: Cool cool, specific policy. Love the attitude, love you, love all of this okay, see you in the mess hall, Romero. Bye, Romero.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, I'm in a bind. I need your help.
Caleb: That's what friends are for.
Jake: Well, "friends" might be a bit of a stretch. I mean, you're a cannibal that ate six people.
Caleb: 9 1/2.
Jake: Yup, worse.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, here are my options: A, I keep pestering Romero to tell me where the drugs are, he realizes I'm a snitch, then he castrates me and kicks me to death.
Caleb: That's not great. What's option B?
Jake: I back off Romero, never find out where the drugs are, the warden tells everyone I'm a snitch, and then Romero castrates me and kicks me to death.
Caleb: Mm, both options sound A little castrate-y?
Jake: Yeah, that's what I keep bumping up against too.

Quote from Jake

Caleb: Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner, I just do what I do best: I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.
Jake: Oh, my God. Caleb, you're a genius.
Caleb: I wouldn't say genius. That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.
Jake: No, not that your past is a straight-up nightmare.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But I need to do "what I do best": be a cop, work the case, figure out where the drugs are on my own.
Caleb: And you tell the warden, and the warden will bust Romero.
Jake: And Romero won't think I'm a snitch, because he never told me where they are.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, this is gonna be tough. I'm really gonna have to thread the needle.
Caleb: Ooh! I got really good at threading needles-
Jake: -back when you were making your skin suit, I know. Look, I like being friends with you, but you have to stop bringing that up.

Quote from Jake

Caleb: I gotta tell you, cop work is a lot like cannibal work.
Jake: Really?
Caleb: Oh, yeah. The watching, the following, the waiting for soccer practice to end.
Jake: Come on, man!

Quote from Jake

Jake: What is this? A melon baller? Wait a minute. Romero doesn't stash the drugs in here. He comes in here to make the Blizz balls.
Caleb: So, he brings a brick of drugs into the shower without getting noticed?
Jake: Yeah. Oh, my God. He smuggles the Blizz into the prison in-
Caleb: The soap dish.
Jake: No, in the soap. It's in the soap.
Caleb: Oh, yeah! That's much better. I get it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, you don't think you can get high from rubbing drugs on, like, your eyes and armpits and up under your b-parts, can you? Whoop, you definitely can.
Here it comes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And you know what else I think are you listening? Huh? Are you, Mr.
Warden? I think we should be able to decorate our own cells, don't you? I mean, choose our own wallpaper, laminated flooring, crown molding my friend Charles loves crown molding. He says if it doesn't have the crown, you have to vote it down.

Quote from Jake

Warden: Are you on drugs?
Jake: Yes, and you should too, you know? Get on my level. Because quite frankly, we're not on the same wavelength, At agg at agg, at agg. That's weird, I can't say the word "agg" anymore.

Quote from Jake

Warden: What do you want, Peralta?
Jake: Stop everything. Romero told me that the Blizz is in the soap. If you take away his supply, he'll know I'm the snitch and kill me.
Warden: Nah, sorry. I already made the report to my bosses, and they were very pleased. Glen couldn't stop smiling. Glen? You don't know what a big deal that is.

Quote from Jake

Warden: Anyway, you're too late. We're confiscating all of Romero's soap as we speak.
Jake: Okay, how about this? Throw me in solitary. Right? That way, Romero can't get to me.
Warden: No, Glen's already coming down on me about giving too much solitary. And I don't wanna piss off Glen. Obviously.
Jake: What if I spit on you? You're the warden, right? That's gotta be at least a month in the hole. Oh, man, my mouth is all dried out from doing the meth. That's why you don't do meth.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: I still don't get it.
Hitchcock: Nobody does. They're just pretending.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm gonna die in here, and then you're gonna eat my castrated body.
Caleb: I guess, but it'd be a pretty boring meal without dessert.
Jake: Oh my God!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I wanted to say good-bye. I can't believe you saved my life.
Caleb: I would not do it again. It really hurt.
Jake: Yeah but you did do it.
Caleb: And I regret it so much.
Jake: Caleb, you're ruining this.

Submit Quotes