Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Jake: So, I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint. King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
Tank: Isn't that the plot and tagline of The movie "Training Day"?
Jake: Yes, great observation, Tank. That's because it's based on my life.

Jake: You know what? I think my Blizz is wearing off. I should probably go lie down.
Romero: Yeah. The diarrhea's coming. That is very common. Don't let the volume scare you.
Jake: Wait. Volume as in noise or amount? Oh, God, it's both, isn't it?

Amy: I understand, but we've been watching Hawkins for a month, and we have nothing to connect her to the robberies. Maybe we should pursue other routes.
Charles: Um, some of us are already pursuing other routes, Amy. [flashback] "This is Charles Boyle, and you're listening to A God in Shackles. This podcast is brought to you by Fun Frames, make your spectacles a spectacle."
Amy: And how is your podcast supposed to get Jake out of prison?
Charles: I lay out the facts, people see he was framed. I build an audience. I get a celebrity listener. It's Debra Messing. She tweets a link. Now Sean Hayes is involved.

Captain Holt: Squad, I think I'm onto something. I was listening to an episode of Boyle's podcast.
Charles: Not the one Terry was on, I hope.
Captain Holt: No, of course not. That one was problematic.
Sergeant Jeffords: What did I do that was so wrong?

Amy: Captain Holt, can you distract the lot attendant?
Captain Holt: I'm not Captain Holt. I'm Joe Wozniak, here to see my girl in prison. And, to help me pass as a straight Kevin's rose-shearing hat.

Amy: Maybe you could just imagine doing that. It'd be probably just as fun as actually doing it, right?
Rosa: No.
Captain Holt: I'm with Diaz. Imagination is never the solution.

Charles: I know how we can get Hawkins' phone. We get her to visit prison. They make you leave your phone in your car. I wanted to record Jake for the podcast, but they said I couldn't. I had to have Terry on as a guest.
Sergeant Jeffords: I gave up my Saturday for that. You said I did great.
Charles: I'm the host. I have to say that.

Amy: This is a dead end. Maybe I should call Seamus Murphy before it's too late.
Captain Holt: I thought we agreed that's a bad idea.
Amy: What other options do we have?
Charles: There is still the podcast.

Captain Holt: You should've seen Jamie-Lynn. She looked exactly like "Maxim" Hot 100 honoree Jasmine Sanders.

Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.

Amy: A 300 call number in the fine arts section? What is this, Beirut?
Debbie: You know, you don't work here. You don't have to reshelve the books.
Amy: Well, someone has to. I'm so sorry. I'm just really stressed out. You're a great librarian, and I'm sure you're not the one who shelved this section.
Debbie: I am.
Amy: God, Debbie, what is going on with you?

Sergeant Jeffords: Could we put a mirroring app on her phone so we could watch everything she does?
Hitchcock: Oh, those work great, but you have to physically have her phone to install it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Captain Holt: Everyone on the ground!
Amy: Put down your weapons!
Charles: You're being recorded for a podcast! You will sign a consent form.

Guard: Can I help you?
Captain Holt: I'm just trying to work up the nerve to see her.
Guard: See who?
Captain Holt: My female wife, Crystal. I was cheating on her with a waitress from Wing Sluts named Jamie-Lynn. One night, when I was philandering, Crystal caught me kissing Jamie-Lynn's heavy breasts. She flew into a rage, and now she's serving five years for aggravated assault.
Guard: Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.
Captain Holt: Yeah, thanks, man. Hey. Bring it in?

Caleb: I gotta tell you, cop work is a lot like cannibal work.
Jake: Really?
Caleb: Oh, yeah. The watching, the following, the waiting for soccer practice to end.
Jake: Come on, man!

Warden: So, how was your first stint in solitary?
Jake: It was nothing. I held it together. [flashback] Oh Amy. When'd you get here? You've come for my conjugal capabilities. You're looking real good, girl.
Whoa, lost a booby. No matter. I'll just build another one. More mashed potatoes!

Captain Holt: Pawn to king square five, king's knight to the third square on the bishop's file, queen takes on F7! Checkmate! Now, that's a chess move. Buh-bye now.

Amy: Can I buy a free man a drink?
Jake: I'd rather have a drink of that mouth.
Amy: Ugh.
Jake: I'm sorry, I just, I love you.
Amy: I love you too.
Rosa: Hello, I'm also back.

Amy: When is Hawkins gonna unlock her phone? We've been staring at her stupid face for 14 hours.
Hitchcock: I don't mind.

Caleb: Do you really think this is where Romero's stashing the drugs?
Jake: I mean, it's a good idea. There's no cameras in here. What does Blizz look like?
Caleb: Like little white candies.
Jake: Oh, I love candies! Many say to the point that it'll eventually kill me.

Jake: Hey, Rosa.
Rosa: So, I heard you spent some time in solitary. Pretty dope, right?
Jake: Uh ... [flashback] "Scar, Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba. Oh, Mufasa, did I miss it? That's simply awful." ... I handled it well.

Charles: Shalom, Amy.
Amy: Charles, what are you doing?
Charles: Taking this undercover mission seriously. Seems like I'm the only one.
Amy: It's a bus station. We don't need disguises. Anyone can be here.
Charles: Typical shiksa.

Captain Holt: She set us up.
Charles: Oy vey.

Amy: How did she know we were mirroring her phone?
Charles: We had one chance, and we blew it!
Amy: I know you're upset, but it's really hard to take you seriously when you still look like that.
Charles: I used Broadway-caliber spirit gum. This baby is fused to my cheeks.

Captain Holt: It was the episode about Flaxton Hill Farms. The part where Scully said the pigs were being force-fed. These pigs weigh more than 200 pounds, which means they're finishing pigs. And why would a farmer force-feed a finishing pig?
Amy: I don't know what finishing pigs are.
Sergeant Jeffords: Me neither.
Charles: I'm totally lost.
Captain Holt: Because he was feeding them something other than food!
Amy: The diamonds! She's moving them inside the pigs! Let's move!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I can't believe your obscure knowledge of pig-feeding charts saved us. How did you even think of that?
Captain Holt: Frankly, I'm embarrassed it took so long. I should've realized the second I saw those hogs.

Jake: Did you see that? Romero just went into the showers for the second time today.
Caleb: Well, maybe he just likes to relax.
Jake: No one is relaxed in a prison shower. It's literally the most tense situation I've ever been in.

Captain Holt: We just need three minutes to get inside her car and install the app.
Rosa: Okay. I can grovel for three minutes. But one second more-
Captain Holt: Yes, yes, we know. You burst through the glass and squeeze the life out of her with your bare hands.

Rosa: No, absolutely not. What would I even say to her?
Captain Holt: Well, perhaps you could ask her to put in a good word for you with the warden, so you can get extra yard time.
Rosa: So, you want me to beg the woman I hate for mercy. Cool. Oh, one problem.
How do I stop myself from smashing through the glass and squeezing the life out of her with my bare hands?

Jake: What's he doing in there? That must be where he stashes the Blizz. Unless he's just having sex no, but he's a huge homophobe. It's where he stashes the Blizz. But all homophobes are secretly gay. You know what? It doesn't matter. We'll check it out later, when he's done.

Hitchcock: Scully and I went out to Flaxton Hill Farms to watch the guy who testified for Hawkins. All he does is feed his pigs.
Scully: They eat seven or eight meals a day sometimes by force. They're living the dream.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know they get slaughtered.
Hitchcock: Worth it.

Amy: He said I have three days to decide.
Captain Holt: We should tread lightly. Seamus Murphy is the head of the most brutal crime family in New York.
Scully: This is bad. This is really, really bad.
Captain Holt: Are you concerned about Seamus Murphy, Detective Scully, or were you having trouble with the jumble?
Scully: Oh, the first one.

Jake: Okay. No big deal. Five days is nothing. I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome. "Die Hard 6" on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me, I'm gonna die alone. Oh, boy, that happened fast. Guard? Guard!

Jake: Hey, Warden. What's up?
Wardne: Next time, don't wait so long to spit the cookie. I've been waiting in here for four minutes, and it's gross.
Jake: Yeah, it really is.

Jake: So, what happened with that sweet intel I gave you?
Warden: Your tip was garbage. We busted Romero's delivery. Get this nothing but toothbrushes, shampoo, and soap.
Jake: Ooh, lemon verbena. Can I keep this?
Warden: Yes, you should you reek.
Jake: You put me in the hole.

Jake: I wanted to say good-bye. I can't believe you saved my life.
Caleb: I would not do it again. It really hurt.
Jake: Yeah but you did do it.
Caleb: And I regret it so much.
Jake: Caleb, you're ruining this.

Warden: Maybe you just need some extra incentive. Find the stash, or I'll tell everybody you're a snitch.
Jake: What? No. They'll kill me. You don't want that, right? It'd probably be a lot of paperwork for you.
Warden: Oh, it's not. It's just one form, and it's already filled out. We just have to staple a picture of your corpse to it.
Jake: Great. Prison is great.

Jake: I'm gonna die in here, and then you're gonna eat my castrated body.
Caleb: I guess, but it'd be a pretty boring meal without dessert.
Jake: Oh my God!

Scully: I still don't get it.
Hitchcock: Nobody does. They're just pretending.

Scully: Whoo-hoo! That was also not about the jumble. We're all excited about the same thing.

Jake: You don't need me. But, maybe I could learn from you. You know? Sort of shadow you for a while and see how your operation runs. Go from bitch to boss, as it were.
Romero: Jake, you stop pushing it. You're gonna make me think you're a snitch.
And you know what I do to snitches?
Jake: Give them a public dressing down?
Romero: Castrate them. And then I kick 'em to death.
Jake: Cool cool, specific policy. Love the attitude, love you, love all of this okay, see you in the mess hall, Romero. Bye, Romero.

Jake: Hey, I'm in a bind. I need your help.
Caleb: That's what friends are for.
Jake: Well, "friends" might be a bit of a stretch. I mean, you're a cannibal that ate six people.
Caleb: 9 1/2.
Jake: Yup, worse.

Warden: Anyway, you're too late. We're confiscating all of Romero's soap as we speak.
Jake: Okay, how about this? Throw me in solitary. Right? That way, Romero can't get to me.
Warden: No, Glen's already coming down on me about giving too much solitary. And I don't wanna piss off Glen. Obviously.
Jake: What if I spit on you? You're the warden, right? That's gotta be at least a month in the hole. Oh, man, my mouth is all dried out from doing the meth. That's why you don't do meth.

Warden: What do you want, Peralta?
Jake: Stop everything. Romero told me that the Blizz is in the soap. If you take away his supply, he'll know I'm the snitch and kill me.
Warden: Nah, sorry. I already made the report to my bosses, and they were very pleased. Glen couldn't stop smiling. Glen? You don't know what a big deal that is.

Jake: All right, here are my options: A, I keep pestering Romero to tell me where the drugs are, he realizes I'm a snitch, then he castrates me and kicks me to death.
Caleb: That's not great. What's option B?
Jake: I back off Romero, never find out where the drugs are, the warden tells everyone I'm a snitch, and then Romero castrates me and kicks me to death.
Caleb: Mm, both options sound A little castrate-y?
Jake: Yeah, that's what I keep bumping up against too.

Caleb: Well, you know, whenever I'm backed into a corner, I just do what I do best: I drive across country, forge a new identity, and then take a job as a camp counselor.
Jake: Oh, my God. Caleb, you're a genius.
Caleb: I wouldn't say genius. That camp ran a pretty extensive background check.
Jake: No, not that your past is a straight-up nightmare.

Jake: But I need to do "what I do best": be a cop, work the case, figure out where the drugs are on my own.
Caleb: And you tell the warden, and the warden will bust Romero.
Jake: And Romero won't think I'm a snitch, because he never told me where they are.

Jake: All right, this is gonna be tough. I'm really gonna have to thread the needle.
Caleb: Ooh! I got really good at threading needles-
Jake: -back when you were making your skin suit, I know. Look, I like being friends with you, but you have to stop bringing that up.

Warden: Are you on drugs?
Jake: Yes, and you should too, you know? Get on my level. Because quite frankly, we're not on the same wavelength, At agg at agg, at agg. That's weird, I can't say the word "agg" anymore.

Jake: And you know what else I think are you listening? Huh? Are you, Mr.
Warden? I think we should be able to decorate our own cells, don't you? I mean, choose our own wallpaper, laminated flooring, crown molding my friend Charles loves crown molding. He says if it doesn't have the crown, you have to vote it down.

Jake: Hey, you don't think you can get high from rubbing drugs on, like, your eyes and armpits and up under your b-parts, can you? Whoop, you definitely can.
Here it comes.

Jake: What is this? A melon baller? Wait a minute. Romero doesn't stash the drugs in here. He comes in here to make the Blizz balls.
Caleb: So, he brings a brick of drugs into the shower without getting noticed?
Jake: Yeah. Oh, my God. He smuggles the Blizz into the prison in-
Caleb: The soap dish.
Jake: No, in the soap. It's in the soap.
Caleb: Oh, yeah! That's much better. I get it.