Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: I have a murder here with no leads and no evidence. It's unsolvable, and thus, shall have no paperwork.
Hitchcock: You had me at "no paperwork".
Jake: That was the very end of the sentence.

Jake: I don't slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That's slump backwards and it's what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.

Rosa: In this case, not being a cop might be better.
Gina: That's true in all cases. Cops are the worst.

Amy: You know how every year the precinct does that Junior Police Program seminar?
Rosa: That thing where we try to get a bunch of loser kids to become student snitches?
Amy: Mmm, no. The thing where we try to get at-risk kids-
Rosa: Losers.
Amy: To sign up to become Junior Police Officers-
Rosa: Snitches. What about it?

Gina: Yes, I am amazing. And I only ask for one thing in repayment, a 600% raise.
Captain Holt: Or I could give you a 0% raise, and make you my personal assistant. Which is what I'm doing. I think you have hidden talents which will make you surprisingly good at the job.
Gina: No, I have no talents.

Teenager: Hold up. Why does the kid selling sound like he's black?
Amy: He's not.
Gina: Well, why not? Are you saying black people can't sell drugs?
Amy: No, I'm not saying that.
Teenager: We have a black president. Why can't black people sell drugs?
Amy: I'm so confused.
Gina: Black people can sell drugs. *starts chanting* Black people can sell drugs. Black people can sell drugs.
*Holt enters*

Jake: Die Hard is the best cop movie of all time. One cop heroically saving the day while every one else stands around and watches. It's the story of my life.

Amy: You're not a cop so I'm not really sure how you could help.
Gina: Mmm-kay. No hard feelings, but I hate you. Not joking. Bye.

Jake: Wait. Before you say anything, I want to guess what happened based on your face. Someone died. No! You won a prize. I'm not getting better at this.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, this screw has three pointy sides, and nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels. What kind of castle has wheels?!

Jake: All right, sir. Let me hit you with a little analogy. Are you familiar with race cars?
Captain Holt: Formula 1 or stock?
Jake: That's already way more than I know about it.

Captain Holt: Peralta, where are we on the Adams St. burglary?
Jake: We are very close, Captain, aside from a complete absence of evidence, suspects, or leads. So in conclusion, not at all close.

Rosa: No, Robo-Cop. It's got everything I like. Gratuitous violence.
Jake: Oh, I thought you were listing things.
Rosa: I was. I'm done.

Jake: Hey, love the sweater. Who you slaying tonight, Lady Killer?
Charles: Well she shall see what we shall see.
Jake: No, you're dressed exactly like the Lady Killer.
Charles: Damn it. This is Jeffrey Dahmer's corduroys all over again.

Gina: Ugh, constantly getting Holt's approval is the worst.
Amy: Yes. I can only imagine.

Jake: Now, you were wondering why we did this in the bathroom, it's 'cause you're full of crap.
Charles: Blamo. Jake-hammer strikes again.
Jake: Jake-hammer strikes again.

Jake: Sarge, what would you do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Ten thousand sit-ups.
Jake: Okay. Do you have a back up plan in case my hypothetical person can only do 9500? Or three?

Sergeant Jeffords: Where do I affix the Princess Tower, Boyle? Where do I affix it?!
Charles: By the side of the turret-
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Boyle. Let a brother breathe. Let a brother breathe.

Captain Holt: No, I don't think that's what's best for you or the squad. Not until this blows over.
Jake: And how long will that be?
Captain Holt: Could be a week. Could be a month.
Charles: Could be a year. Could be a decade. Sorry, we were just saying bigger and bigger numbers

Captain Holt: There's a community outreach program that's very important to me. I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Amy: Absolutely, sir. I won't just head it up, I will Head and Shoulders it up. I will dive in, swim around it, and just be all together good with it.
Captain Holt: Be more articulate when you speak to the children.
Amy: Yes, sir. I will make better mouth.

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, where are you on digitizing the old case files?
Scully: As of yesterday, I am officially 1% done.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you smiling? That's nothing.
Scully: Well, there's thousands of cases and for each one I have to fill out 200 little box thingies on 50 different screens.
Rosa: At least you get to sit on your butt all day.
Scully: That's actually the worst part. My doctor says I have an anal canyon.

Charles: Okay, this is Ethel Musterberg from the Prospect Heights senior centre. There was an ID card in her back pocket.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why was your hand in her back pocket?
Jake: Well, she told me she didn't have any ID, and unlike Boyle my first instinct was not to caress her butt.
Charles: Frisked. I frisked her butt!

Charles: You could eat off his shirt.
Captain Holt: Why would I ever eat off his shirt?

Charles: You know some jobs take brains, some jobs take muscles, some jobs take dainty little fingers. Did I ever tell you I had to wear a woman's wedding ring?

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm a man with man-hands and a man-brain. I should be able to put together a doll house in less than four hours.

Charles: I like Turner and Hooch. Tom Hanks, a reluctant friendship with a dog. That hits me where I live.

Jake: Rosa?
Rosa: Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger. Slump over.

Captain Holt: You're dripping on my carpet.
Jake: Oh, don't worry, sir. It's just urinal water. Clean urinal water.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock, Boyle needs you to fill out a line-up.
Hitchcock: Oh, great! I'll take my shirt off.
Charles: No one asked you to take your shirt off. Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.
Hitchcock: I can't hear you. Shirt's over my ears!

Charles: Man, girls are so scary.