Amy: I don't like it. Something stinks.
Hitchcock: Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?

Rosa: (Answering Hitchock's phone) Hello. No, there's no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Good-bye.
Hitchcock: I'm Michael.
Rosa: That's a dumb name, but it's yours, and you should be proud of it because you are the greatest Detective I've ever known.
Hitchcock: No doy, Diaz. No doy.

Jake: Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.
Hitchcock: Actually, I cut myself real bad.
Jake: Of course you did.

Amy: Cheddar? Are you crazy? What about my-
Jake: Allergies? Got your meds right here. I brought them just in case Hitchcock decided to wear his toupee again. It's very clearly not human hair.
Hitchcock: Human hair is indistinguishable from badger fur.
Jake: That is absolutely not the case.

Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: All right, sure, tonight got off to a weird, rocky start, but you know what else got off to a weird, rocky start? America, and we all love America now, right?
Hitchcock: Well, it's no Amsterdam.

Scully: Guys, stop wasting time. Headlamps on!
Hitchcock: We have to engage in blackout protocol.
Jake: I'm surprised, those guys are really springing into action. Nope, they're just eating all the food in the fridge before it goes bad.
Hitchcock: There's a dozen sandwiches here, I don't know what kind.
Scully: I'll figure it out later. Just start chewing.
Jake: Yeah, they suck.

Hitchcock: We cooked that lasagna for nothing. Nothing!
Jake: Okay. But have you ever considered eating lasagna with no garlic bread?
Hitchcock: We've- Never done that before.
Scully: I guess maybe we could give it a try. What do you think, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: What the hell. I had a feeling something crazy was gonna happen today.
Jake: There you go.
Scully: It's almost ready.
Jake: [microwave dings] Mama Magglione.

Jake: Wait a minute. Why do you pay for a monthly parking spot?
Charles: Because it's New York. It's hard to park.
Jake: Yeah, but he just said he doesn't have a car. So what's parked in this spot you don't want us to know about? Could it be a super-expensive sports car, paid for in cash?
[cut to a parking garage:]
Jake: Nope. It's just a sketchy old sex van.
Hitchcock: There is nothing sketchy about the Beaver Trap.
Jake: Yes, there is.

Hitchcock: I bet you're all wondering how I pulled it off.
Rosa: Not really, but I guess that's the tradition.
Hitchcock: The key to the whole plan was that I never really retired or moved to Brazil. I've been living in the Beaver Trap this whole time.
Jake: Okay, but what was the rest of the plan?
Scully: Oh, we had not come up with it. But then Bill came by and offered to sell me the tube for 40 bucks and I won.
Scully: Pretty good stuff.
Hitchcock: Now, crown me.
Jake: Ugh, this stinks. Okay, Michael Hitchcock, you are an amazing human/genius and the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Why is your head so sweaty?
Hitchcock: Oh, because that's actually butt skin from a botched hair transplant so there are more pores.
Jake: I can't believe this is how it ends, with Hitchcock's sweaty butt head.
Scully: I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Rosa: What's wrong?
Sergeant Jeffords: I got stopped by a cop last night.
Rosa: Stopped for what?
Sergeant Jeffords: Stopped for walking.
Rosa: That makes zero sense unless- Oh, crap. I see what happened.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah.
Jake: Sarge, that's terrible.
Amy: That's so messed up.
Scully: Oh, jeez. I have no idea what's going on.
Hitchcock: He got stopped for being black. Get woke, Scully.

Charles: All right, calm down. We're not accusing you of anything, right, Jake?
Jake: Kinda was.
Hitchcock: This is crazy! We're innocent!
Scully: IA is railroading us like Holt said, and you're joining in the witch hunt!
Hitchcock: You're fake news! Sad!
Jake: Yeah, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

Sergeant Jeffords: Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?
Charles: Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
Scully: Wait, Jake's in prison?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
Scully: Oh, right. And where's Gina?
Sergeant Jeffords: On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower last week.
Hitchcock: Okay. And why am I bleeding?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Oh, so you don't have all the answers. I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.