Quotes from ‘Hitchcock & Scully’

Hitchcock & Scully

Hitchcock & Scully
Season 6, Episode 2 - Aired January 17, 2019

Jake and Charles investigate a case of Hitchcock and Scully from the 1980s. Meanwhile, Amy's uniformed officers and Terry's detectives fight over limited resources.

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: All right, calm down. We're not accusing you of anything, right, Jake?
Jake: Kinda was.
Hitchcock: This is crazy! We're innocent!
Scully: IA is railroading us like Holt said, and you're joining in the witch hunt!
Hitchcock: You're fake news! Sad!
Jake: Yeah, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

Quote from Jake

Hitchcock: Look, guys, we never had that money. Here. We'll prove it to you.
Scully: Those are our financial records.
Hitchcock: I don't have any retirement. I don't have any security, or a car. I rent most of my clothes.
Jake: We get it. You're poor.
Hitchcock: I'm not just poor, son. I'm destitute.
Jake: Definitely not a wink-able line.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Wait a minute. Why do you pay for a monthly parking spot?
Charles: Because it's New York. It's hard to park.
Jake: Yeah, but he just said he doesn't have a car. So what's parked in this spot you don't want us to know about? Could it be a super-expensive sports car, paid for in cash?
[cut to a parking garage:]
Jake: Nope. It's just a sketchy old sex van.
Hitchcock: There is nothing sketchy about the Beaver Trap.
Jake: Yes, there is.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I've said "excuse me" more times this morning than I have in my entire life. Twice!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.
Captain Holt: Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.
Gina: Faster.
Captain Holt: GinaLinettispaghetticonfetti.
Amy: Captain Holt.
Gina: Uh, yeah, can't you see we're in the middle of something?

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: And this gibberish is actually Gina jargon, a world-renowned linguistic system that worked pretty well for Ellen Musk.
Amy: Elon Musk.
Gina: Ellen Musk.
Captain Holt: Season one winner of VH1's "Queen Bitch."

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, tell us about the case.
Scully: We were working organized crime, and we took down a mafia boss, Gio Costa, for running cocaine.
Hitchcock: We were the studs of the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Well I'm sure "studs" is a bit of a- Oh, my God. I can't believe I'ma say this, but-
Charles: Meow.
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but honestly, yeah, meow.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Quote from Scully

Charles: So what happened to the CI?
Scully: Who knows? It was so long ago. I mean, I barely remember how I got to work this morning. I think there was an ambulance involved.
Hitchcock: Oh, there was.
Scully: Oh.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I'm the tomato. I was wrong about them, and I'm probably wrong about Dragomir. I'm too nice. I let every random jerk suckle at the teat of my human kindness.
Jake: Gross.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Ooh, if they have your phone, we can track where they're going. I have "Find My Phone" set up to track you. What? I do that for all my friends, not just you.
Jake: Show me.
Charles: There's no time!

Quote from Jake

Scully: Hey, thanks for having our back today. These are from the old studs of the Nine-Nine to the new studs.
Jake: Aww.
Charles: Nice. Nice. Well, I think they drank out of these. They're half-empty.
Jake: Definitely. Hitchcock's contact lens is floating in mine.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell, Diaz? You trying to make your heart explode?
Rosa: I'm loading up on coffee because it's a pain in the ass getting to the kitchen now, and I don't want to come back here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is this about the desks?
Rosa: Yes, Terry, it's about the desks. How long is Commissioner Kelly going to punish us because Captain Holt complained about him to the mayor?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, but I hope it ends soon. Terry's shoulders weren't built for tight spaces. It's bonk city in here!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Hey, you know how I've always wanted to have another child? Well, it's happening!
Jake: Genevieve is pregnant? But I thought your "meh-err" no longer made "whoo-oo."
Charles: Correct. My testes no longer make sperm.
Jake: I was good with "meh-err" and "whoo-oo."

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: No, we're thinking of adopting again. We just got an email from Nikolaj's 15-year-old brother in Latvia that he's never met. Yeah, his name is Dragomir.
Jake: Oh, my God. That is a 42-year-old fur trapper.
Charles: What? You don't see the resemblance?
Jake: Yeah, to Matisyahu.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake! Charles! Captain wants to see you! I cannot get through this room anymore, so I'm yelling everything now. Nancy, Captain said you can go to your psychologist this morning. You're clear! Get your head right.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Don't interfere with IA's investigation. Just find out what actually happened in case Kelly is trying to manipulate the facts. Can you do that?
Jake: Oh, so you're asking if we can open a portal to the wet and wild 1980s to investigation the bizarre lives of these magnificent dodos? I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said "Uh, yes, we can."

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You want to see me, sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. I know we're all sort of crammed together in here, but we were kind of thinking that your uniformed officers are, uh, causing some problems.
Amy: Oh? Like what?
Sergeant Jeffords: How do I put this tactfully?
Rosa: Your squad turned the kitchen into a cesspool, nastied up the bathroom, and made the elevator smell like a hundred butts.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, thank you for your tact, Diaz.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, all I'm saying is maybe you can ask the downstairs people to be more-
Amy: Excuse me? "Downstairs people"? That's a little offensive.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, don't get it twisted. It's just where you came from. Some of my best friends are downstairs people.
Amy: Okay, I think you know exactly what that sounds like, you upstairs people.
Rosa: Oh, thank you for that nice compliment.
Amy: It wasn't a compliment, and you know it! I said it with 'tude.
Sergeant Jeffords: Classic downstairs person.
Amy: Wow, you are prejudiced against the first floor. I'm taking this up the chain.

Quote from Jake

Charles: So how did you get to Costa?
Hitchcock: We had a CI on the inside who helped set up a sting. We took down Costa, recovered a ton of coke and three duffel bags full of cash.
Jake: Seems pretty clear-cut, but then why would IA reopen the case? Unless they think it's some sort of "Freaky Friday" situation and you guys traded places with horny singles in your area.
Scully: It's possible.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so there are two questions on the table. First, who was more bang-able, young Hitchcock or young Scully?
Charles: Young Hitchcock. Total smoke show.
Jake: Agreed, but it's close.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I saw it go down. It was one of you, so ya banned.
Amy: No way. This microwave belongs to the entire precinct, so I'm nah-banned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, turns out, this microwave is not precinct property.
Detective O'Shea brought it from home back in '98, so-
Rosa: Ya banned.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: I went to visit O'Shea's widow.
Amy: He's dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Big-time. She is not over it. Anyway, I got her to sign a contract that states the upstairs has exclusive microwave rights.
Amy: You bothered a widow with this?
Sergeant Jeffords: Honestly, it wasn't that awkward for me. Rosa did it.
Rosa: It was rough, but she signed it, so ya banned.

Quote from Scully

Jake: You guys had badass entrance lines and people cheered? What happened? Where'd it all go wrong?
Scully: Some things aren't for us to know.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Oh, that must be the camera crew, here to set up the remote.
Gina: Oh, but you're not ready. This is gonna be like "The King's Speech," before he lost all that weight or whatever. I haven't seen that movie.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Damn it. We're trapped! We're trapped in the Beaver Trap! We're the beavers! We're the beavers!

Quote from Jake

Jake: They took our car. All right, I'll just call them and beg them to turn themselves in. Oh, no. I left my phone in the car. I know it's under one of their butts.

Quote from Charles

Charles: But how do we get there? We don't have a car.
Jake: But we do have a van.
[cut to Charles and Jake driving in in the "Beaver Trap"]
Charles: Yeah, we should have taken a Lyft.
Jake: I feel like a predator. This isn't our car!
Charles: It's a loaner.
Jake: We respect women!
Charles: I'm still with her!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Now stand up, wet wipe your hands, and put them behind your backs so we can cuff you.

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: So you did take the cash. You just didn't keep it. You gave it to her.
Scully: We come down here and check on her periodically.
Hitchcock: Yeah, we never spoke, but if she put an extra wing in our slut bucket, it meant everything was okay.
Charles: Wait, so I was right. Hitchcock and Scully are good people.
Hitchcock: You bet your nips we are, skid mark.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, people are complicated. These two contain ... multitudes.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: All right, here's the way I see it. We gotta break out the back entrance and get these people to the van. Okay, everyone, just follow my lead.
Scully: No, we got you into this mess. We'll get you out of it. Follow our lead.
Charles: There are armed men out there. We don't even have our bulletproof vests.
Scully: We can use the slut sauce.
Jake: That's insane. It's not even solid. The bullets will go right through it.
Scully: If you don't think the slut sauce is solid, then you might want to talk to my rock-hard arteries.
Hitchcock: We're doing this, and that's final. Scully, it's time to sauce up.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, thank god. My wife and my dad are here. I mean, Captain Dad. I mean, I know who my dad is. It's you. Hi, Amy.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: Are you guys okay? Did you get hit?
Scully: No. It hit the tub, but the bullet didn't make it through.
Jake: The slut sauce it saved you.
Hitchcock: You bet your nips it did, skid mark.
Jake: Oh, Hitchcock. You suck, man.

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: So I spoke to Internal Affairs, and since Hitchcock and Scully did steal that money, even though it was to help someone, there have to be consequences.
Hitchcock and Scully: Desk duty, desk duty, desk duty-
Captain Holt: One year of desk duty.
Hitchcock and Scully: Yeah!
Scully: Oh, I mean, oh, no.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Squad, I want to apologize. I have been acting as though nothing mattered except my pursuit of justice, but seeing my people in danger today made me realize I was being short-sighted. I do give a hoot. I give a hoot about all of you.
Rosa: Are we gonna keep saying "hoots"? Is this forever?
Jake: I pray not.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, man. I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I was wrong about Hitchcock and Scully.
Charles: No, you were right. I am too trusting sometimes. I did a little digging on Dragomir. Turns out, he's not 15. He's-
Jake: 103.
Charles: 34. But the orphanage confirmed he is actually Nikolaj's half-brother. Anyway, we're taking it slow. In a few months, he'll come out to visit.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Which once again begs the question, what happened to those guys? I mean, when did it all fall apart?
[cut to young Hitchcock and Scully at Wing Slutz]
Young Scully: Hey, Donna, just want to make sure you're okay here working at Wing Slutz.
Young Marissa Costa: Yeah. It's a good job, and I'm excited about my new life. Thanks.
Young Scully: Our pleas. Well, we're gonna go hit the gym for the second time today.
Young Marissa Costa: Wait. You need some protein to fuel those hard bodies. It's on me.
Young Hitchcock: Ah, what the heck. One wing can't hurt.
[Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing]

Quote from Hitchcock

Young Hitchcock: Gio Costa, you're under arrest.
Young Scully: You want that drink now, Hitchcock?
Young Hitchcock: Don't mind if I do, Scully. Don't mind if I do.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Good morning.
Jake: Oh, my. We are very close together.
Charles: I love it.

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: Gentlemen, we have a situation. Scully and Hitchcock just got a call from Internal Affairs. They're interested in a case of theirs from 1986. If you ask me, this old case is only coming up now because the commissioner is trying to drum up a scandal in the Nine-Nine.
Hitchcock: And take out your two best detectives in the process.
Captain Holt: You're not my two best detectives.
Scully: Oh, that's such a relief. I feel so much safer now.
Jake: Good lord.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Well, that's unfair. Your squad is responsible for at least 50 of those butts.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, isn't going to the press going to make Kelly even angrier at us?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. He's already made life here pretty miserable. The crowding, the desks, the downstairs people treating the bullpen like a dumpster.
Amy: Ooh, I'm so sorry for the untidiness, milord.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: That's enough. I don't have time for your internecine battles, and I don't give a hoot about your minor inconveniences. I am trying to fight injustice and do what is right for the entire NYPD. Understood?
Amy: Yes, milord. [Amy and Terry back out of the room, bowing]

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, let's set the scene. The year is 1986. "Top Gun" is crushing the box office, and the Beastie Boys have just been issued their "License to Ill."
Charles: And that's the year I got felt up for the first time under the shirt.
Jake: Always a big moment in a young boy's life.

Quote from Scully

Jake: You said you recovered three duffel bags full of cash and that's what the evidence logs say as well.
Hitchcock: Yeah. So?
Jake: So count the bags. One, two, three, like you said, but then take a look in this mirror behind you, the one that shows off your shockingly taut bottoms.
A fourth bag.
Hitchcock: Oh, probably missed it.
Scully: Yeah, you know us. We're dumb-dumbs.
Jake: But even you wouldn't miss a giant bag full of cash.
Hitchcock: It was the '80s.
Scully: Police weren't perfect then like they are today.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, my God. Is that what this is about? You're mad because I said the old sea captain you want to adopt is scamming you?
Charles: Dragomir is not a captain. He clubs the fish in the bottom of the boat. That's his after-school job.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, Charles, you are letting your emotions cloud your judgment with Dragomir and with these guys. I mean, for all we know, Hitchcock and Scully have been playing us for years like criminal masterminds. [Hitchcock and Scully use the two-way mirror to check their teeth] Okay, so maybe not masterminds, but I'm still going in there and getting the truth.

Quote from Scully

Jake: I don't think you get what's happening here. This is an interrogation, and it's only gonna end one way: with you telling us everything.
[Scully laughs]
Jake: Something funny?
Scully: It's just I don't think you get what's happening here. You're locked in a small, windowless room with the two of us one hour after lunch.
Jake: Oh no.
Scully: You want to know what we ate? Four-cheese pizza, double-cheese, with a side of cheesy fries, extra cheese, and a big old slice of cheesecake.
Jake: But, Scully, you're lactose intolerant.
Scully: Yeah. This whole room is a [BLEEP] Dutch oven.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: What the hell is this?
Sergeant Jeffords: The downstairs people keep making a mess of the microwave. One of them thought it was cool to heat up soup in an uncovered dish. That's just crazy!

Quote from Amy

Amy: How do you know that's our splatter? There are some sloppy Susans upstairs.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Okay, now that we can all breathe, let's try this again, unless you want to try and stink up the entire city of New York.
Scully: Challenge accepted.

Quote from Scully

Young Scully: Anybody have a trash can? 'Cause Flat Top and the Freak are bringing in some garbage.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Ugh, look at all these credit card charges for Wing Slutz. It can't be healthy to eat there this much.
Scully: If you want a diet option, the Marine Park location has a blue cheese parfait.
Charles: You guys go all the way down to Marine Park for wings?
Scully: There's a waitress there who always gives us an extra drumstick in our slut bucket.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: In short, Commissioner Kelly's new initiative is a regressive, wrongheaded return to the NYPD's darkest days. How was that?
Gina: Like watching a corpse wash up on shore, lifeless.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Come on, you gotta pace it up, okay? You need to smile more. Energize the eyes! Gesticulate!
Captain Holt: You're describing the behavior of a crazy person.
Gina: Am I? Because right now, you can't take your eyes off me.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: So, Hitchcock, what's the deal with the secret van?
Hitchcock: Oh, nothing. It's where I sleep during my divorces. If this van's a-rocking, my ex-wife's a-locking me, out of her house.
Jake: Catchy.

Quote from Jake

Charles: What are we doing here, Jake? What are we even looking for?
Jake: Whatever it is that Hitchcock's trying to hide from us.
Charles: Well, I'd imagine he'd be hiding everything in here from us. It's a van of horrors.
Jake: Yeah, I know. I saw the bucket of male body butter, and her.

Quote from Jake

Jake: It won't budge. I can't believe we let Hitchcock and Scully get the drop on us. It's like being outsmarted by a couple of tomatoes.

Quote from Charles

Charles: There were so many warning signs about Dragomir. Nikolaj had never heard of him.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He asked for money.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He didn't have a birth certificate.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: He looked older than 15.
Jake: He's 45.
Charles: Fine. He was 45. I'm just a sucker, trapped in a creepy sex van.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Look, they're headed south on the Belt Parkway.
Jake: Ooh, check what exit they're taking.
Charles: Marine Park.
Both: They're going to Wing Slutz!

Quote from Gina

John Kelly: So you are doing a TV interview? That's cool.
Captain Holt: Why are you smiling?
Gina: 'Cause he's one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I plan on using this interview to criticize you and your policies.
John Kelly: [LAUGHING] Okay. That's your prerogative.
Captain Holt: No, don't chuckle. A frown is a more appropriate response.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I don't like your threats, and I don't like the cheery manner in which you've chosen to deliver them.

Quote from Charles

Hitchcock: Oh, no, they found us!
Jake: Damn straight, we did. What were you thinking?
Charles: They obviously weren't thinking about anyone, especially the one friend me who had their backs and believed in them the whole time!
Hitchcock: Why is the little one so mad?
Jake: He's going through something.

Quote from Jake

Scully: Oh, thank God. I'm so tired of running.
Jake: It's only been an hour.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell?
Amy: You thought the microwave was a mess before? Well, we just threw a whole fish in there.
Sergeant Jeffords: What happened to the truce?
Rosa: The truce was crap.
Amy: You bet it was. Viva the downstairs people! [microwave explodes]

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, guys, I have something super important to tell you, but first, Scully, you have a Hitler sauce moustache.
Scully: Thank you. Go on.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Internal Affairs isn't actually investigating your case. That call you got wasn't real.
Hitchcock: What?
Scully: The guy on the phone sounded legit. He had a very deep voice.

Quote from Scully

Jake: That's Gio Costa. How'd he get out of jail?
Scully: Probably for good behavior. He had really great manners.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: All right, listen up, everybody. We're NYPD. If you could all please head to the back exit immediately. Leave the wings, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: No!

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: Look, Jake, it's the slut sauce!
Hitchcock: It's perfect!

Quote from Gina

Jake: Thanks for getting there so fast today, sir. Were you able to still do your interview?
Gina: He did not. However, I did so.
[cut to footage of a news interview with Gina, who is gesticulating wildly:]
Gina: The real question is what are police?
Grace Maravilla: I'm sorry. Who are you again?
[present:]
Gina: They said they've never had more viewer complaints. Controversial and loving it.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: I'm gonna keep pushing back against John Kelly, but not at your expense.
Amy: Thank you, sir, and we're going to stop bickering with the upstairs people.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Amy. We're all upstairs people now.
Amy: Thanks, Terry.
Jake: Mmkay. I clearly missed a whole thing there.

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