Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!

Rosa: Thank you for the invite, but I'm not really having people meet Jocelyn yet. I'm still feeling things out with her.
Captain Holt: But Boyle says you brought Jocelyn to Shaw's last week.
Rosa: That was unplanned.
Captain Holt: Sure, but now that the squad has all met her, surely you can't object to her having some rice with Kevin and me?
Rosa: Okay, it's just that you can be a bit judgmental.
Captain Holt: What a stupid thing to say. Name one time when I have been judgmental.
Rosa: Okay.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: What a stupid thing to say.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Mere seconds ago.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, Garrett, our time is up. Shall we pick up here next week?
Jake: No, I can't go. There's still someone left inside that wants to talk.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Do you mean Satchel, the "gentle African-American man who was born in 1908"?
Jake: Oh, no. You know what? Satchel probably shouldn't come out right now. Or ever, for that matter.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett, I can only help you if you open up.
Jake: [sighs] [deep voice] And then Dufresne escaped through the tunnels of Shawshank Prison. He was my friend.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Are you just doing Morgan Freeman?
Jake: Ah, yes! You calling me on it just gave me a major breakthrough. I'm cured! Anyway, deuces, Doc!

Jake: I've got you now, you son of a bitch.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Hello, Peralta. [Jake screams] You really thought you could sneak around my office without me noticing, huh?
Jake: How'd you know I was in there?
Dr. Frederick Tate: Your shampoo left an odor. I could smell you.
Jake: I knew it! You're a Hannibal.

Dr. Theresa Moore: Can I say hello to Brian, the bookkeeper from Central London?
Jake: [in a male, British accent] Cheers, I'm Brian. I like bookkeeping right in the middle of London. Did I tell you a full list of my many personalities when I called you on the ol' telly, innit?
Dr. Theresa Moore: Yes, you did.
Jake: And are any of 'em, hopefully, not from England?
Dr. Theresa Moore: There's Geoffrey. You said he's Australian.
Jake: Aww, crikey.

Dr. Theresa Moore:So, Garrett, where would you like to begin?
Jake: You know what, can we crack the door a little? I get very claustrophobic, probably from all the different people living in my head.
Dr. Theresa Moore: We usually keep it closed for privacy, but whatever makes you comfortable.
Jake: Thank you. Damn it, he's still here.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Excuse me?
Jake: Hmm? Uh, I was just talking to another one of the voices.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is it Tatiana?
Jake: Who now?
Dr. Theresa Moore: The mischievous seven-year-old British girl you told me about on the phone? May I speak with her?
Jake: Uh... [high-pitched British accent] Yes? Hello, Doctor. I'm from Wussex.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Is that an actual place in England?
Jake: How should I know? I'm just a little girl, I am, I am.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Well, it's nice to speak with you, Tatiana.

Jocelyn: Excuse me, do you have a less crinkly dollar I could trade you for?
Captain Holt: Of course I do. None of my dollars has a single crinkle. When they do, I steam them.
Jocelyn: Oh. Wow, that is crisp.
Captain Holt: Can't wait to get this baby home and flatten it out.

Dr. Theresa Moore: Oh, um, can I help you?
Jake: Yes. I am... your new patient.
Dr. Theresa Moore: Garrett?
Jake: Garrett ... is my name, yes.
Dr. Theresa Moore: You're an hour and a half early.
Jake: I know. I have problems with time management. That's the issue I want to talk about.
Dr. Theresa Moore: On the phone, you said you were concerned you might have multiple personality disorder.
Jake: Yep, that too. Got buttloads of peeps living in my brain. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. We should talk about it.

Charles: Listen, I'm sorry. I guess you were right about the therapist.
Jake: Yeah, well, that's nice of you to say, Charles, but actually, when I was stalling Dr. Tate, I started talking about my parents' divorce, and it felt really good. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think I'm gonna make an appointment with a shrink.
Charles: Jake, that is so great. And I know a guy who's really good. You will love having him inside of you.
Jake: Okay.
Charles: What? Oh, come on, mister. Grow up. Get your mind out of the gutter, ya perv!

Charles: James was ill. We have months of notes saying he was increasingly unstable.
Jake: First of all, people with mental illness are much more likely to be the victims than the perpetrators. I heard that on NPR when I was in the room while Amy was listening to NPR.

Charles: Why do you think Dr. Tate's the murderer?
Jake: He already knew where the bathroom was. He's clearly been here before.
Charles: Well, he probably just guessed, because it's obvious.
Jake: This is New York. It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refrigerator.

Jake: NYPD! Open up! That's weird. The door's unlocked.
Charles: That's too bad. I love watching you pound one out.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Charles.
Charles: What? That was sexual? Which part?
Jake: All of the parts.

Jake: Okay, so the neighbors say they haven't seen or heard any activity in the Buckleys' apartment, and- What is he doing here?
Charles: If we find James and he's unstable, Dr. Tate could talk him down.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Hello, Peralta.
Charles: Plus, on the ride over, he gave me a quickie.
Jake: A what?
Charles: A quick therapy session. We talked about so much. Did you know that I have a tendency to be unconsciously sexual?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: It's a real tough nut to bust.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, you're doing it again.
Charles: Oh, okay, I think I hear it.
Jake: You think you hear it?

Jake: And you want us to just blindly trust Dr. Tate? He's a creepy therapist.
They all are. What kind of profession requires a couch?
Charles: Lots of them. My cousin Pam has a couch in his bird store. Would you call that creepy?
Jake: Yes! Decidedly so.
Charles: You always get upset when I bring up Pam.

Charles: So you think he killed her and dumped her body in the park?
Jake: Sounds like couples counseling is going really great for them.
Charles: Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, have you never been to therapy?
Jake: No. Don't need it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not even after the time your wife shot you?
Jake: Nope.
Sergeant Jeffords: What about when you were held at gunpoint and had to write your own suicide note?
Jake: Oh, that was crazy. I forgot about that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or when you were falsely accused of bank robbery and went to prison?
Jake: Was that a big deal?
Sergeant Jeffords: You joined a gang and tried meth!
Jake: Well, I didn't want to be anyone's bitch.

Captain Holt: Come in, Diaz.
Rosa: How'd you know it was me?
Captain Holt: The restrained knock. Everyone else in this office plays my door like it's a marimba. The other day, Jeffords gave it three taps and two raps.
Rosa: Was he drunk?
Captain Holt: One can only assume.

Captain Holt: Anyway, I wanted to invite you and Jocelyn to dinner at my house this weekend. Kevin will be making his famous rice.

Dr. Frederick Tate: Are you normally so cavalier around murder investigations?
Charles: Yes, we see a lot of darkness in our line of work, and humor is one of our coping mechanisms. It's self-preservation through disassociation.
Jake: What the [bleep]?
Charles: It's something I've been working on with my therapist.
Jake: Well, I act like this because I'm cool and fun and people like being around me.
Dr. Frederick Tate: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to trigger you.
Jake: Okay, Doc, you're not in your office. You don't have to use words like "triggered" or "in denial."
Dr. Frederick Tate: I didn't say "in denial." Are you in denial?
Jake: No, I am not, and before you say anything, I don't want to sleep with my mom either.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Now, why would you bring that up unprompted?
Jake: What? You prompted it.

Jake: Oh, man, I am so glad you got my message with the location. Pretty impressive, right?
Charles: Well, actually, you just texted a bunch of crazy, weird, random letters. It made me concerned, so I tracked your phone.
Jake: Well, still pretty good. I found you in my contacts.
Charles: It went to Amy. She forwarded it to me.
Jake: It worked. Let's stop talking about it.

Jake: So I joke about my father so much to avoid processing all the pain he's caused me.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yes. You are doing such great work here.
Jake: I'm really feeling it.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yeah. Now, I'm sorry, but our session is coming to a close.
I guess I'll have to bill your widow.
Jake: Wow, that is cold-blooded, but I got to hand it to you, it's a pretty dope kill line. Unfortunately, no one will be billed, though. Isn't that right, Charles?
Charles: Hi, Dr. Tate!
Dr. Frederick Tate: What? How did he-
Jake: Told you I could text without looking at my phone.

Captain Holt: So this is Jocelyn?
Rosa: I'm glad you got to meet her. For the record, I wasn't keeping her from you because I was afraid you were gonna hurt her feelings by being judgy. I think it's hilarious when you're judgy. It's because I was afraid you weren't gonna like her. You and I are close, and I- I value your opinion.
Captain Holt: Well, she seems great, in our limited interaction.
Rosa: Maybe you could get to know her better over Kevin's rice this weekend?
Captain Holt: That would be great. You might want to save your girlfriend. She's talking to Hitchcock.
Rosa: Damn it. Hitchcock!

Captain Holt: Almonds, nice choice.
Jocelyn: Oh, thanks. They're, uh they're not for me. They're for my girlfriend, Detective Diaz.
Captain Holt: Oh, you must be Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: What? No, I'm Denise. Who's Jocelyn? Is Rosa cheating on me?
Captain Holt: Oh, my-
Jocelyn: No, that was a joke. I'm sorry, I thought it would be funny. I am Jocelyn.
Captain Holt: Oh, that was actually very funny. I didn't know what was happening, and then I thought I knew what was happening, but what I thought I knew was happening wasn't what was happening. That's very good.
Jocelyn: You must be Captain Holt.

Charles: Jakey, I've got a hot case for you.
Jake: Ooh, hit me.
Charles: Okay, Susan Buckley was reported missing by her psychiatrist, Dr. William Tate. He thinks that her husband James may have had a mental break and done something terrible to her.
Jake: Ooh, that is a hot case. Missing woman, psycho husband, creepy shrink.
Charles: Dr. Tate was actually quite a nice man.
Jake: Yeah, but you know, he's a psychiatrist, so he's automatically a creep. I've seen movies. They all turn into super sophisticated, Chianti-loving cannibals.

Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, wow, strong words for someone who is clearly scared to talk about his own issues.
Jake: I'm not scared, okay? For example, I had an issue with texting while driving, but I fixed it. Now I just don't look at my phone while I type.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Case in point. Just know that you died without saying anything real.
Jake: Okay, okay, okay! Stop. Fine, you want something real? I tried therapy.
It only made things worse.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Uh-huh. Go on.
Jake: When I was a kid, I was acting out at school, so they made me and my parents do family counseling, but instead of helping me with my problems, the stupid therapist just brought up all my parents' issues. And once it was all out in the open, they fought all the time and eventually got divorced, and everything good in my life just went away.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Interesting. So you actually blame yourself for your parents' divorce?
Jake: No, I blame the therapy, which we only had to do because I- Oh, my God. I do blame myself. [choking up] Oh, here come the waterworks.

Jake: Look, it sounds like these things affected you more than they affected me. Maybe you should go to therapy.
Sergeant Jeffords: I do. Terry needs a safe space to process his emotions.
Charles: I go twice a week. Couples counseling with my dad, and then a solo sesh with Dr. Tyler.

Sergeant Jeffords: And you thought that was my book. [laughs] Shame on you, Amy. Shame on you.
[later, in the bathroom stalls:]
Sergeant Jeffords: You got the book? You should know, things are good with Sharon. I just want to make sure we're as happy in our relationship as we can be.
Scully: That's nice, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry you had to embarrass yourself.
Scully: Not a big deal. I guess I just don't care what other people think of me.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's actually pretty inspiring. I wish I was more like that.
Scully: Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me.
[Scully steps back into the stall and unbuttons his trousers]
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey! You're not going to wait for me to leave?
Scully: Like I said, I just don't care.

Scully: Hey, I just saw this. I think you have my book.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, really? Told ya!
Amy: But you're not even married, Scully.
Scully: I'm in a committed relationship, and Cindy Shatz says I'm a selfish lover.
Amy: All right, well, what about the protein powder?
Scully: I'm trying to get ripped. I drink, like, six shakes a day, but nothing's happening.
Amy: Do you also exercise?
Scully: What? You're supposed to exercise? You know what, keep the powder. I'll drink normal milkshakes.

Woman: Hey, you're the girl from the diarrhea commercial, aren't you? You get diarrhea on the plane.
Sheena: That's not true.
Rosa: Yeah, move along.
Sheena: I don't get diarrhea on the plane. I get diarrhea in the airport.
Captain Holt: What's going on? Are you an actor?
Sheena: Well, you don't have to sound so grossed out. I can see why you didn't want him meeting Jocelyn.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Rosa: This isn't Jocelyn. It's Sheena. She's an actress.
Sheena: Yeah, I was in an episode of "SVU." I say, "We want answers!" The director tried to replace me, but Mariska said it would take too much time, and then they all agreed I'd probably cut together fine.

Sheena: I can't believe it's taken so long for us to meet. You're so nice.
Captain Holt: Oh, I don't know about that, Jocelyn. I'm just being myself.
Sheena: Well, you're very sweet about the cosmetology thing. A lot of people are dismissive of hairstylists.
Captain Holt: It makes no sense. If we didn't have hairstylists to cut our hair, our hair would be far too long.
Sheena: [laughs]
Rosa: Wow, great compliment.

Rosa: Sir, Jocelyn is not like us. She has feelings.
Captain Holt: Huh. Are you positive this is the woman for you?
Rosa: That is exactly the type of thing I don't want you to say in front of her.

Jake: Hi there. Dr. Tate, I presume.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Yes. Hi, nice to meet you. Uh, which one of you is in charge?
Jake: Let the mind games begin.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Excuse me?

Amy: Hey, Sarge, a package was delivered to my desk downstairs, addressed to the 99th Precinct, attention: Sergeant, but it's not for me. It's a book.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sounds like something you'd order.
Amy: "How to Please Your Wife: 100 Tips to Take Your Sex Life from Blah to Ahhhh."
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. That's not mine.
Amy: It also shipped with two gallons of protein powder.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I get my protein from real food. 22 meals a day, 1 every 40 minutes.

Jake: I bet he was sleeping with Susan. Therapists are always having affairs with their patients.
Charles: That's not true.
Jake: Oh, really? Tell that to the ten minutes of "Bikini Shrink" I watched on Cinemax when I was 13. Dr. Juggs was insatiable.

Amy: It's not a big deal, okay? Just take the book. I promise I won't tell anyone.
Hitchcock: Hey, Sarge, I heard you need some sex tips.
Amy: Except for the people I already told.

Charles: Jake, there's a body over here.
Jake: Oh, thank God. I mean, "Oh, no, death." I mean, I don't want to sleep with my mom, okay?

Jake: I know this is the wrong takeaway from this case board, but I really love the new yarn you're using.
Charles: There are sparkles in it.
Jake: I noticed.

Charles: And our chief suspect, James Buckley, has disappeared.
Jake: But he has no motive, no criminal record, and according to his credit card statement, had just purchased two sombreros. Kind of weird to give someone a sombrero when you're about to murder them.
Charles: Well, both sombreros could have been for him. It's always good to have a backup sombrero.
Jake: Please stop pronouncing it like that.
Charles: What, pronouncing sombreros like sombrero?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: [Spanish accent] Fine, if you want me to pronounce it the wrong way.

Jake: Oh, that guy looks like he's wearing a skin mask over his own face, so I'm guessing it's Dr. Tate.
Charles: He has a normal man's face, Jake.
Jake: Yes, he does have a normal man's face, stretched out over his own face, because he is a Hannibal.

Jake: You check the bathroom?
Charles: No, where is it?
Dr. Frederick Tate: It's right over there.
Charles: Clear.
Jake: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, Dr. Tate, we will meet you back at the car. We just want to check some things out for one more minute. [closing the door on him]
Jake: Did you notice that?
Charles: The painting in the bathroom of Jesus standing over a vent with his robe blowing up like Marilyn Monroe?
Jake: No. Dr. Tate is the killer.

Jake: All right, you stay here. Charles, we're going in. Bedroom's clear.
Charles: The kitchen's clear. Did you see anything suspicious?
Jake: Nothing, except for these laughing Jesus paintings everywhere. Why is he in front of a tepee?
Charles: I don't know. The one in the kitchen has him at the last supper, but all the apostles are McDonald's characters.
Jake: Which one's Judas?
Both: The Hamburglar.
Jake: Knew it as soon as I asked.

Hitchcock: Here's the big one: just lie flat on your back. Women love to do all the work.
Amy: Ugh.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's very incorrect, and I don't need sex tips.

Amy: Okay, we'll just leave the book here, and whoever did order it can take it when nobody's looking.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not mine! Terry doesn't order books online. He supports local bookstores. They're dying, Amy!

Captain Holt: Hello, gentlemen. How is your day going?
Scully: Great. I just woke up from my morning nap. [stammers] I mean, my morning nap.
Captain Holt: It's fine. It's good to be rested at work.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Are you trying to prove that you can be nonjudgmental?
Captain Holt: Rosa, I didn't see you there. I was just having a friendly chat with my employees. So, uh, boys, tell me, what are you doing this weekend?
Hitchcock: Well, we're going to a sauce launch party at Wing Slutz.
Captain Holt: Sounds like a neat cultural event.
Hitchcock: They're introducing a new dairy-based sauce called Cream Dream.
Captain Holt: Mmm.
Scully: And everyone who comes gets a free bucket. You want to know what that's called?
Captain Holt: Of course I do.
Rosa: No, you don't. None of us do. You proved your point. If you want to meet Jocelyn so bad, you can. You win. [exits]
Hitchcock: Okay, well, that's Friday night. Now, every Saturday morning, we go to the public baths.
Captain Holt: I get it. You lead colorful lives. Let's end this, shall we?

Jake: Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you-
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen. Bowling.

Jake: And second, I bet Dr. Tate's notes are fake. I mean, you know what was in Dr. Juggs's notes?
Charles: What?
Jake: Stick figures doing it.
Charles: What does that prove?
Jake: I don't know, but it was hot.

Dr. Frederick Tate: But it doesn't matter. You never would have thought that James was a suspect. He was such a kind and gentle man.
Jake: So why did you kill them?
Dr. Frederick Tate: Well, because they were gonna tell people about my affair with Susan and ruin my career.
Jake: I knew it.
Dr. Frederick Tate: I had to do it for the sake of my other patients. You know, there are a lot of people who depend on me for their well-being.
Jake: Yeah, except for the ones that you murder.
Dr. Frederick Tate: That's only happened twice.
Jake: It's happened before?
Dr. Frederick Tate: The Rothmans. Nobody misses them.
Jake: You really are a terrible therapist.

Dr. Frederick Tate: Pull over right here. Cut the engine.
Jake: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Frederick Tate: Because you found my notebooks, and I assume you've deduced what I did to Susan and James.
Jake: You killed James too?
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oops. I guess you only deduced the Susan part.

Amy: Hey, Sarge. I saw the flyers. You really put a lot of them up, huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: I just want to make extra sure we find the real book-buyer.
Amy: Do you think it's this kind of overcompensation that's been making things difficult in the bedroom?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I don't compensate. I procreate. Three kids.
Amy: Okay. Weird brag.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can you help me put up these flyers around the office?
Amy: Mm-hmm. "Lost sex book. Delivered by accident to Sergeant Jeffords, who doesn't need it." Terry, come on. Nobody cares about your sex life. Just take the book home.
Sergeant Jeffords: [laughing] Take someone else's book home? That's stealing and mail fraud. I can't believe you would even suggest that.

Amy: Look, I think it's so great that you've been married so long and want to keep it fresh. I hope Jake does that for me if our sex life ever takes a dip.
Sergeant Jeffords: Dip? Oh, there is no dip. Just ask Sharon.
Amy: Oh, no, please. I don't want to do that. That's not necessary. It's okay. I believe you.
Sergeant Jeffords: [on the phone] Hey, hon. Yeah, could you tell Amy how good I am in bed? Because I'm a sex machine who- Oh, on speaker? Oh, hey, girls. How was school?

Sheena: Hey, so you don't by any chance need any molly, do you?
Rosa: I'm a cop.
Sheena: And scene. Now I'm out of character, and I don't sell any drugs. I am leaving.

Jake: All right, think. Where would I hide the real notebook if I was a creepy therapist? In my butt. [chuckles] Focus, Jake. Now is not the time for being hilarious.

Jake: You're right. I'm sorry. I was being unfair. It's your case. You call in an APB, and I will meet you back at the precinct. I'm just gonna swing by the bank.
Charles: You're not gonna go to Dr. Tate's office and search it behind my back, are you?
Jake: What? Charles, no. I wouldn't do that. You can trust me.
Charles: Okay, I trust you.
Jake: Good. You should.
Charles: Well, I do.
Jake: Great, because you can.
Charles: I feel good about it.
Jake: Good, you should.
Charles: I think it's the right choice.
Jake: You're making the right call by trusting me.
[later:]
Jake: Not. "Wayne's World". Sweet.