Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, wow, strong words for someone who is clearly scared to talk about his own issues.
Jake: I'm not scared, okay? For example, I had an issue with texting while driving, but I fixed it. Now I just don't look at my phone while I type.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Case in point. Just know that you died without saying anything real.
Jake: Okay, okay, okay! Stop. Fine, you want something real? I tried therapy.
It only made things worse.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Uh-huh. Go on.
Jake: When I was a kid, I was acting out at school, so they made me and my parents do family counseling, but instead of helping me with my problems, the stupid therapist just brought up all my parents' issues. And once it was all out in the open, they fought all the time and eventually got divorced, and everything good in my life just went away.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Interesting. So you actually blame yourself for your parents' divorce?
Jake: No, I blame the therapy, which we only had to do because I- Oh, my God. I do blame myself. [choking up] Oh, here come the waterworks.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!