Captain Holt: Hello, gentlemen. How is your day going?
Scully: Great. I just woke up from my morning nap. [stammers] I mean, my morning nap.
Captain Holt: It's fine. It's good to be rested at work.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. Are you trying to prove that you can be nonjudgmental?
Captain Holt: Rosa, I didn't see you there. I was just having a friendly chat with my employees. So, uh, boys, tell me, what are you doing this weekend?
Hitchcock: Well, we're going to a sauce launch party at Wing Slutz.
Captain Holt: Sounds like a neat cultural event.
Hitchcock: They're introducing a new dairy-based sauce called Cream Dream.
Captain Holt: Mmm.
Scully: And everyone who comes gets a free bucket. You want to know what that's called?
Captain Holt: Of course I do.
Rosa: No, you don't. None of us do. You proved your point. If you want to meet Jocelyn so bad, you can. You win. [exits]
Hitchcock: Okay, well, that's Friday night. Now, every Saturday morning, we go to the public baths.
Captain Holt: I get it. You lead colorful lives. Let's end this, shall we?

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Captain Holt: [on the phone] Kevin, they're not coming. Yes, I know you've already started soaking the rice. Couldn't we just eat it ourselves? I understand you purchased four portions of rice. Yes, that's a great idea. We'll eat the extra rice for breakfast. I love you, as well.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!