Gintars: It's gift for Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj?
Jake: How do you know Charles's son?
Gintars: My name is Gintars. From Latvia. I am Nikolaj birth father.
Charles: Ohh! Nikolaj's birth father who I'd never hope to meet. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, c-c-c-c-c [passes out]

Gintars: Jake! You set me up. Do you even have mutilated penis?
Jake: [sighs] ... No. It's perfect.

Jake: Look, Charles, don't look behind you, but I think we're being followed.
I saw this guy when we were leaving the precinct, and he was in line at lunch, and now he's right behind us.
Charles: Is it someone you arrested?
Jake: I don't recognize him, but judging by the head-to-toe denim, I say he's either not American or deeply American. I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

Gintars: Please. I'm in town for 10 more days. Let Nikolaj know I exist. Let me spend time with him. I could take him to Russian bathhouse. Has he been?
Charles: No! I'm not some weirdo that takes my eight-year-old to the Russian bath! We take our baths at home together as a family like normal people!
Jake: Not sure you have the upper hand on that storm-off, Boyle.

Charles: It's just- Adoption is complicated. No matter how much I want to be, I'm not Nikolaj's real father.
Jake: Come on, Charles. Of course you are.
Charles: Well, that'll be up to him. And he may even change his mind about it throughout his life. I mean, all I can do is make him feel safe and give him as much love as I can.
Jake: Well, I think Nikolaj is very lucky to have you.
Charles: Nikolaj.

Charles: So what? You have money now, and you're just gonna take Nikolaj back?
Gintars: No, no, I don't want to take boy from you. I just want to meet him one time. Look, I know it's lot to ask, but, please. Nikolaj is my sex result.
Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, I walk your sex result to school every morning.
Jake: No, don't use his words.
Charles: I help your sex result with his homework.
Jake: This is bad, even for you.
Charles: I sing your sex result a lullaby every night.
Jake: I just wanna do something.

Charles: You will never meet my son.
Gintars: Oh, yeah? Well, then I don't leave America until I meet the boy. And I come from white country. I have very long visa. Very long.

Amy: What are you saying out of your weird face?
Rosa: We put the flies near fresh blood, and nothing happened. They didn't react at all.
Captain Holt: Do you know how stupid these accusations sound? Diaz, you're fired.
Rosa: What?
Amy: Dr. Yee is one of the most respected forensic experts in the country.
Captain Holt: For you two - let's not mince words - common fools to suggest that you found the flaw in this brilliant man's-
Dr. Ronald Yee: They're right.

Charles: I'm your father, Nikolaj.
Gintars: It's pronounced Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Gintars: Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Gintars: Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Gintars: Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Gintars: Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Gintars: It's okay. You say it wrong.

Dr. Ronald Yee: I'm sorry, Detective Diaz. I know it's upsetting when a hunch doesn't pan out.
Captain Holt: Well, it's over. The flies have it. Keep your eyes on the flies. Flies don't lie. Now, that's a good one. Oh, no, it's Santiago's. Damn it.

Dr. Ronald Yee: So I understand you have a potential crime scene, and you'd like to find some blood. Well, I've brought along several hundred of my best detectives to help out.
Amy: Oh, my God. I'm starstruck.
Captain Holt: We all are. So what you made you think of using drosophila as a method of searching for blood traces?
Dr. Ronald Yee: Have you ever read Sung Tz'u's textbook, "The Washing Away of Wrongs" from 1235?
Rosa: Nope.
Amy: Yes.
Captain Holt: Which edition?

Dr. Ronald Yee: The flies don't sense blood. They're just regular flies.
Amy: But, Dr. Yee, you can't be a fraud. You gave a TED Talk.

Charles: I don't know what's going on. How did you find me? The orphanage isn't supposed to give out that information.
Gintars: You know Dragomir, Nikolaj brother? He tell me all about you.
Charles: Of course. You're Dragomir's father too.
Gintars: No, Dragomir is my brother. Dragomir and I have same father but different mother. Her name Anyuta. Together we have baby. That baby's Nikolaj.
Dragomir is brother of Nikolaj. I am brother of Dragomir. Also stepfather. We are contemporary blended family. Would make very good TV show.
Jake: Honestly, that does sound very interesting and good.

Jake: Hey there, bud. I got you your favorite tea: duck broth.
Charles: Thanks. You know me so well. But I'm too sad to drink duck broth.
Jake: Wow, I never thought I'd hear you or anyone say that.

Dr. Ronald Yee: Well, the flies are not reacting. I can keep going, but I'll tell you now, it's very unlikely there are any traces of blood in here.
Rosa: Well, according to my timeline, this is the only place the murder could have happened.
Amy: Sorry, Rosa, looks like your timeline's wrong. Because the flies don't lie. You can use that if you want.
Captain Holt: He's not gonna use a cheeky slogan. He's a man of science.
Dr. Ronald Yee: I like it. The flies don't lie.

Sergeant Jeffords: So who looks stupid now?
Rosa: Uh, Terry, your left eyebrow is missing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I must have rubbed it off. There it is. Who looks stupid now?

Dr. Ronald Yee: It tells the story of the first known use of forensic entomology. A farmer was slashed to death. A local judge asked everyone in the town to lay down their sickles. And though they all appeared clean, one attracted a horde of flies. The insects could sense the blood, even though it was invisible to the human eye.
Captain Holt: Wow, what an arresting story.
Dr. Ronald Yee: Yes, they did arrest him.
Captain Holt: Oh. Oh, my. [laughs] We made a joke together.[laughs]

Dr. Ronald Yee: Captain Holt, nice to see you again.
Captain Holt: Please, call me Raymond. Unless that feels weird. You don't have to. I'll answer to anything.

Rosa: Speaking of bad looks, Sarge, what is going on with your eyebrows, man?
Sergeant Jeffords: I shaved them off. 'Cause of the bugs. Sharon said you couldn't notice.
Rosa: Sharon lied, Terry. You look like a straight-up fool.
Sergeant Jeffords: Damn, Rosa.

Charles: So I told Nikolaj, "Who cares if you're bad at skateboarding? When you grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are cool." What's cool is hemming your own pants.

Charles: I just don't want Nikolaj to see him again. I don't want him turning into a Gintars.
Jake: You have nothing to worry about. Nikolaj is already a mini Charles. He's an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie is "Bullets Over Broadway".

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, guys, this fanboy stuff is a little much.
Captain Holt: The only thing that's a little much over here are your scrawled-on eyebrows. Yeesh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? I thought they worked.
Rosa: They do if you wanna look like a mean drag queen.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew I should have done a flatter arch. This is a nighttime look.

Jake: Do you wanna know why I won't take off my towel? It's because I'm embarrassed about what's underneath.
Gintars: Mutilated penis?
Jake: Ye...p. That is it. You guessed it on the first try. That's what's under there. The old- The old mute peen.
Gintars: I am so sorry about your penis.
Jake: It's a bummer.

Charles: Wow, this was a bad idea.
Jake: Relax. He gets one afternoon with Nikolaj, and he chooses basketball? Does Nikolaj even like basketball? He loves the "Get Your Head In The Game" number from "High School Musical."
Jake: I haven't seen it, but I know that's not the same.

Jake: Charles, can I tell you a story?
Charles: Always.
Jake: All right. When I was 10, my dad started dating this woman, Leeza. My mom hated her. But my dad wanted us to bond, so one day he took me and Leeza to the mall and dropped us off. She proceeds to steal a ton of blouses from Ann Taylor and then immediately makes me go back in and exchange them for store credit. Then, to celebrate, I get to pull Leeza's Cinnabon apart because her nails are too long and curly to do it herself.
Charles: Ugh.
Jake: Point being, nothing has ever made me love my own mother more than the time I spent with Leeza. Gintars is Leeza. You are my mom.
Charles: I can't believe I get to be Karen. What an honor!

Jake: This is bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. He's been like that all day.
Jake: No, I was talking about your eyebrows. Whatever's going on up there is real, real bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, it's better than having two bug hotels above your eyes.
Jake: But wouldn't they also be in your goatee?
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do this to me, Jake.

Rosa: Hey, why is Yee still here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Holt wants him to hand in his case report in person. I think he's trying to trick him into going to lunch with him.
[in his office:]
Captain Holt: Wait. It's noon? If I didn't know better, I'd say that was lunchtime.

Sergeant Jeffords: I hope they take that container of bugs with them when they go.
Rosa: Wait. The container's here? I have an idea. All I need is some blood.
Hitchcock: This is fresh.
Rosa: Oh. Terrible, yet perfect.

Jake: Okay, how about this? Gintars just wants to see him, right? We can maybe have them meet without telling Nikolaj that Gintars is his birth father. Just say he's an old friend of ours.
Charles: Jake, you're completely forgetting about the olfactory bond. Nikolaj will immediately recognize his father's scent.

Rosa: So I'm positive the murder happened inside this apartment, but CSI could find no traces of blood. I'd like to ask the FBI to bring in a team of lab techs.
Captain Holt: This would require Commissioner Kelly signing off. Before I make that ask, is there anything else we can do?
Amy: Um, I'm pretty sure there is. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Captain Holt: I am now.
Both: We need Yee!

Rosa: Isn't it that guy that led that seminar where you guys turned Boyle into a mummy, and then you pushed him down the stairs?
Amy: Whoa!
Captain Holt: Whoa!
Amy: Rosa. Easy. No one pushed Boyle down the stairs.
Captain Holt: Right. We may have plastered his eyes shut and left him to wander around blindly, but he fell down on his own. It was a classic accident.
Amy: Exactly.

Amy: Anyway, Dr. Yee is a genius in the field of forensic entomology. They call him "Father Fly." How cool is that?
Rosa: 0%.

Captain Holt: Dr. Yee has recently bred a species of fly that has increased sensitivities to certain human proteins.
Amy: They can detect trace amounts of blood, even if it's been cleaned with bleach.
Captain Holt: Or masked with animal urine.
Amy: Oh, I was building to that. Thanks for stealing my thunder.

Sergeant Jeffords: This is nasty. Terry hates bugs. Too many eyes and legs.
Captain Holt: Would you still hate bugs if I told you that there were thousands of tiny mites that live in your eyebrows and keep them from being weighed down by oils?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Rosa: Look, I really think we should go with the feds on this.
Captain Holt: No, we're bringing in Yee. I'll make the call right now.
Amy: Oh, can I listen on speaker?
Rosa: Oh, my God. It's gonna be a long couple of days.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're telling me. I got bugs in my brows, Rosa.

Jake: Charles, are you okay? You hit your head pretty hard.
Charles: Oh, no, I'm fine. I don't have a concussion.
Jake: We'll see about that. How many musical numbers are there in the movie "Zootopia"?
Charles: Oh, just the one.
Jake: Yeah, he's okay.

Captain Holt: I'll ask Commissioner Kelly to approve your initial request for an FBI lab team.
Rosa: That won't be necessary. I solved the case. And the flies actually came in handy.
[cut to Rosa with a perp in the interrogation room:]
Rosa: These have been genetically engineered to detect blood, and there's a whole swarm of them at your apartment right now with Dr.Ronald Yee. The flies don't lie.
[now:]
Rosa: He confessed immediately.

Rosa: You guys maybe want to have this conversation on your own?
Captain Holt: Yes.
[later:]
Captain Holt: Okay, we have come to a decision that we would both like to apologize. We should have trusted your instincts over Dr. Yee and his flies.
Rosa: And?
Amy: And we shouldn't have been so insulting.
Sergeant Jeffords: And?
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna apologize for your face. That mess is clearly on you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fair enough.

Jake: Hey, guys. I'm just coming from work with my friend Billy Hanukkah.
Charles: Hanukkah.
Jake: It's fine. Kids don't know which names are weird.

Captain Holt: Diaz, Jeffords, Santiago would like to apologize to you for her behavior.
Amy: I thought we were both apologizing.
Captain Holt: Oh, I misunderstood. What would I be apologizing for?
Amy: The same thing as me?
Captain Holt: Really?

Jake: But here's what I'm thinking, I call the State Department-
Charles: You've done enough, Jake.
Jake: That's nice of you to say, but-
Charles: My tone wasn't nice.
Jake: But your tone is always nice with me. Wait a minute. Are you mad?
Charles: Yes, because you butted into a situation you shouldn't have. You need to keep your butt in your pants.
Jake: My butt was only out because you said you wanted Gintars gone.
Charles: Well, thanks to your butt, Nikolaj feels like he's been abandoned all over again.
Jake: Okay, but my butt was the one that got them together in the first place. I don't feel like my butt is getting credit for that.
Charles: Well, that's because your butt was inappropriate then too. Your butt should have never been a part of this. So now I gotta go clean up the big nasty mess that your butt made.
Jake: But my butt no but- My butt no but!

Jake: Okay, well, that was fun. Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy? You can take this drug store receipt. It's very long and filled with coupons. You can fly it around like a kite.
Nikolaj: Whee!
Jake: Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

Charles: So what are you saying? I should let him spend time with Gintars?
Jake: I just worry that if you prevent him from knowing his birth father, that he'll build up some fantasy of him and then blame you for keeping them apart.
Charles: That's crazy.
Jake: The way that King Trident kept Ariel from exploring the surface.
Charles: Oh, my God, you're right. I'm driving Nikolaj into the arms of a sea witch.

Charles: Nikolaj is asking if Gintars is really his dad. I worked so hard to have him think of me as his father. And now it's all ruined. He'll probably go back to calling me what he did when I first adopted him: Mr. America.
Jake: I know you're upset, but that is a dope nickname.
Charles: I'm not Mr. America. I'm Daddy.

Charles: Let's take these hats out for a spin. I've waited long enough. Here you go. Best Bud #1.
Jake: You'd rather be Best Bud #2?
Charles: I just want you to listen a little more. I don't wanna change our whole dynamic.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause I really wanted to be Best Bud #1.
Charles: I know you did.
Both: Clink!
Jake: Oh, they're way too small.
Charles: Ooh, they're tight.
Jake: They're way too small.
Charles: Hurt.
Jake: They don't fit.

Gintars: But we all have things that bring us shame. Remember when I told you before that Gape was original, authentic brand?
Jake: I do. It was just now.
Gintars: Yeah, well I stole the whole thing from Gap.
Jake: And here I was completely believing you when you told me you didn't.

Jake: Okay. So they're taking Gintars to the airport and they're not hurting him - any more than they already did when he was resisting arrest.

Rosa: Hey, what's up? You guys having a little coffee? That's cool. Yee's a fraud.
Captain Holt: What?
Amy: Excuse me?
Sergeant Jeffords: Those nasty-ass bugs don't smell blood. And they must not smell bullcrap, either, 'cause he's spewing it everywhere.

Jake: Did you make it to the airport in time to see Gintars?
Charles: Yes, but TSA wouldn't let him stay in the country. At least Nikolaj got to spend a few hours with his birth father at a Chili's Too.
Jake: Chili's As Well.

Captain Holt: How about that. Dr. Yee and his flies saved the day after all.
Rosa: No, I did.
Captain Holt: Should we call Yee and tell him the good news?
Amy: Ugh, it would probably make him feel so much better.
Sergeant Jeffords: What is going on?
Captain Holt: He did seem so sad.
Amy: So sad.
Rosa: He should be sad. He's a fraud.
Captain Holt: Shh. It's ringing.

Dr. Ronald Yee: I spent $6 million in federal grant money on this experiment and I've gotten nowhere. The closest I ever came was when they all landed on a Popsicle once.
Captain Holt: But in the apartment we saw them react to a cotton swab dipped in blood.
Dr. Ronald Yee: It was melted Popsicle. Jam works, too, but it's more expensive.
Rosa: So, Sir, you were saying something about us being common fools?

Gintars: Jake, hey, I got it, man. Nice jeans, and the good thing is look both legs, same length.
Jake: Thank you very much. And I see it's 100% denim-ish. "Caution: Do not wear near women who are pregnant or breast-feeding."
Gintars: This is true. The nipple may fall off.

Charles: What the hell was that? You promised you wouldn't tell him.
Gintars: So sorry. I smelled my boy. I don't know what came over me.

Charles: Jake, you seem distracted. You're agreeing with everything I say [gasps] We should go on a month-long couples' vacation: you, Amy, me, and my dad.
Jake: Yeah, yeah, fine, whatever.
Charles: And we should get matching hats that say, "Best Bud 1" and "Best Bud 2." And we should wear them all the time!
Jake: For sure.

Gintars: Anyways, I was too young and poor to have child, but now I'm very successful businessman. I have my own clothing line. Maybe you've heard of it: The Gape. We also have Baby Gape and the Gape Body.
Jake: Oh, you mean The Gap?
Gintars: No, no, Gape. Like, there are two things and there's space between.
Jake: Yeah, like, The Gap. Like, The Gap. The company that already exists.
Gintars: I don't know what you're saying. I never heard of it. But is it a knock-off of Gape? Do they sell clothing?

Rosa: How are insects gonna help us? There weren't any in or around the boy.
Amy: Oh, my God. You still think forensic entomology is all blow flies and screw worms, don't you? [Amy and Holt laugh uproariously]
Captain Holt: That's a good one, Santiago. You should take the Lieutenant's exam.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey.

Jake: Hey. So what's your plan with Gintars? He's kind of taking over the whole waiting area.
Gintars: No, don't worry about me. I'm watching "Mad About You" on Latvian Hulu. It's very funny show. Very many episodes. I could sit here all day.

Jake: Well, you got to do something, and I don't think you're gonna wait this guy out.
Gintars: [laughing] Paul and Jamie are locked in the bathroom. But Jamie has a turkey in the oven. This is a very good setup.
Charles: And they pay it off.
Jake: Yeah, it's so good.

Jake: Okay, Gintars, remember the deal is, you cannot tell Nikolaj you're his father.
Gintars: Who Gintars? I'm Billy Hanukkah. I'm from the Bronx, Manhattan. I eat pizza at Famous Ray's.
Jake: Okay, well, no need to get too specific or offer up any backstory.

Charles: Nikolaj, say hi to Jake and this stranger.
Nikolaj: Hi, Jake. I love you. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hanukkah. I love you, too.
Jake: Man, he really is a Boyle, isn't he?

Gintars: Hello, my little friend. Did you have good day at school?
Nikolaj: We had computer class today.
Gintars: I am your real father! My name is Gintars. You are my son.
Charles: What?
Jake: Well. That backfired real quick.

Jake: Hey, listen. I would love to buy some of that knock-off denim.
Gintars: Okay, first of all, it's not knock-off. Okay, Gape is true, authentic brand. The real thief is Gap.
Jake: Are they?
Gintars: What makes more sense? That they take Gape and remove letter? Or that I take Gap and add pricey E?

Captain Holt: He's here! Dr. Yee's on his way up. How's my breath? [exhales]
Amy: Perfect. Yee's gonna love it.
Rosa: This is not a good color on you guys.

Captain Holt: No, Diaz is right. Your face is horrifying. You should leave before- Hello, Dr.Yee! [to Terry] Out back now.

Rosa: Okay, Dr. Yee, how effective is your box of bugs?
Dr. Ronald Yee: Oh, well, in a lab, they've detected blood even when it's been cleaned with bleach.
Amy & Captain Holt: Or covered with animal urine!
Dr. Ronald Yee: You two really know your stuff.
[Holt and Amy share a fist bump behind their backs]

Scully: I know that sound. That's the moaning of a man who left his lunch on the bus.
Charles: I didn't lose my lunch, you idiot. I lost my son!

Amy: Watching him work is amazing.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Amy: I have to get a video.
Captain Holt: Santiago, please. Hold the phone horizontal to get more flies in frame.

Nikolaj: Daddy Gintars wants to buy me a jean jacket just like his.
Gintars: Daddy Gintars.
Charles: Daddy Gintars.
Jake: Oh, no. I am Leeza. Wait, no. That's not right.

Rosa: Hey, Sarge. Holy crap. What the hell is that?
Sergeant Jeffords: That is a bug-free zone is what it is. I bleached it. I'm smarter than they are, Rosa.
Rosa: Uh-huh. What about your nose hair?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man. Terry forgot about his nose.

Gintars: Huh? Why's your towel still on? This is business conversation. You cannot trust a man who cannot show you his full self.
Jake: Well, not in America. Here we have business meetings fully clothed. Sometimes even in a suit and tie. Have you ever seen the show "Shark Tank"?
Gintars: Latvian "Shark Tank" is all nude.
Jake: That sounds weirdly sexy.
Gintars: No, not at all. There's no female sharks, so it's just four Mr. Wonderfuls naked on a big leather couch.

Jake: Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

Gintars: Before we do deal, we take off towel. It's full naked.
Jake: Ha.
Gintars: What are you waiting for? I want to see where your hair starts and stops.
Jake: [laughs] Gintars.
Gintars: Take it off now.