Quotes from ‘Paranoia’

Paranoia

'Paranoia' - Season 3, Episode 20

Rosa enlists Jake to help change Terry's disapproving opinion about her fast-moving relationship with Adrian Pimento. But their love for each other is put on hold when Pimento thinks someone from his past is trying to kill him.

Air Date: March 29, 2016.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Now before I tell you my idea, are you allergic to dolphins?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: That was 18 days ago. He's getting saner by the minute. In a month, he'll basically just be Frasier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't use Frasier's name in vain.
Jake: Copy that.

Quote from Charles

Charles: May the best maid win.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Look, I know you're upset because Pimento seems a little amped up-
Sergeant Jeffords: We were going 90 with the headlights off!
Jake: But please just give him a chance to explain before getting all angry and yelling, "Hey, man!"
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, man! What the hell were you doing?

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.
Hitchcock: Actually, I cut myself real bad.
Jake: Of course you did.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: All right, sure, tonight got off to a weird, rocky start, but you know what else got off to a weird, rocky start? America, and we all love America now, right?
Hitchcock: Well, it's no Amsterdam.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, the groomsmen are having a great time. Jake just texted me about where to get a veal tongue.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up, everyone. While Captain Holt's out of town at his conference, I'm in charge, which means, Jake, I order you to throw out that gingerbread house. It's from Christmas.
Jake: Fine, but you're gonna be leaving a lot of ants with no home.

Quote from Amy

Adrian Pimento: Check it out, losers. Guess who got their dealer!
Jake: Nice! How'd it go down?
Rosa: We chased him through a subway tunnel, back up through the storm drain, Adrian and I got engaged, and then we busted him with a half kilo of coke in his sock.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait. What'd you just say?
Adrian Pimento: It was in his sock. These dummies, they never think we're gonna check their socks.
Amy: No, before that, weirdo.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: He thinks we're rushing into things, but we're not. I love Adrian. Every time I see him, my heart just explodes.
Jake: Wow, that's, like, some Lionel Ritchie-grade love stuff.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Count me in as long as I get eight plus-ones.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Guys, focus. We need to start planning. So when's the wedding? Next summer, next fall, next winter?
Rosa: Next week.
Amy: Next what?
Charles: Next week?
Amy: That is not enough time to plan a bridal shower, an engagement brunch, a papier-mâché sculpture of you two kissing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, gents, Pimento's bachelor party is tomorrow night. I've gotten us a party bus, reservations at a delightful steakhouse, and a DVD copy of "American Beauty" to watch at midnight. That last thing was his only request. I'm not sure if it's his favorite movie or if he's just never seen it.

Quote from Jake

Scully: Jake, a word, please.
Jake: What?
Scully: I don't know. Everybody else got to go outside.
Jake: Get back on the bus!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Tonight we will be attending my nephew Anthony's 13th birthday party.
Rosa: Sounds awful. Teenage boys are the worst.
Gina: But shooting them with paintballs in the behind is the best, which is what we're gonna do. It's a paintball party.
Rosa: Nice.
Gina: Let's go shoot my nephew.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: And secondly, it's a drinking game. Get a question wrong, do a shot. Oh, and the questions? They're all about Rosa.
Charles: But none of us know anything about Rosa.
Rosa: Everyone's about to get real hammered.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: What is my favorite soup?
Amy: Chicken noodle.
Gina: Potato leek.
Charles: Corn frickin' noodle. I mean, chowder, damn it.
Rosa: You're all wrong. I've never had soup.
Gina: Don't bother. They all suck.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Adrian Pimento: I'd also like to make a toast.
Sergeant Jeffords: Easy on the dings, man. One ding'll do.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Thank you guys so much for this party. It means everything to me. And I'm sorry that earlier I went a little off the rails, hijacked the bus, stole all of your wallets to double check your identities-
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Quote from Scully

Scully: Hey, Jakey, if you're asking the waiter questions, find out when the mashed potatoes are coming.
Sergeant Jeffords: He's not a real waiter, man!

Quote from Charles

Rosa: All right, Boyle, you're up. Where we goin'?
Charles: A restaurant. Specifically, Le Petit Colon. It means small intestine, 'cause that's all they serve.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Oh, man, I was rootin' for you. I don't think I can eat that.
Charles: Neither can anyone else, which is why they shut it down. We are not eating at this restaurant. We are demolishing it.
Rosa: Damn! Boyle's playing to win!

Quote from Jake

Jake: He wants to meet up. And he wants me to bring him your tongue.
Adrian Pimento: Ah, how did I not see this coming? That's what Figgis does to snitches. Well, game over, guys. I mean, where are we gonna get a tongue?
Jake: Relax, I'm just gonna text Boyle. He's always eating weird stuff like tongues and chicken faces. Oh, and he's already texted me back with a top-ten list.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Oh, sweet, sweet coffee. Come to mama.
Charles: Shut your loud mouth, Amy. Some of us have a hangover.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Jake, can I talk to you about my wedding for a second?
Jake: Need help choosing a dress? Big puffy bow in the back, can't go wrong.
Rosa: No to all of that.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Maid of honor? Yes, a million times, yes! [gasps] It would be an honor.
Oh, my God, that's why they call it that.
Rosa: Great, but I specifically said, "co-maid-of-honor," because I am also asking Amy and Gina.
Charles: I guess that's okay, if you want to water down your Charles Boyle with a couple of ice cubes.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Don't worry about that stuff. The one dumb wedding thing I've always wanted was a bachelorette party.
Charles: Ah, so, cool, cool, cool. All the pressure's on that one event, cool, cool, very cool.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Super excited for the big night.
Amy: Well, I'm happy she's excited. I'm not sleeping for the next 24 hours.
Charles: Amen, sister. Amen.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Yeah, Sarge. If Jake wants to pay for us to have a fun night out, let's not stop him.
Jake: I'm not paying for it. We're splitting it.
Scully: Well, then, I'm with Terry. This wedding's a sham.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And this bachelor party is gonna change all that. We're gonna eat steaks, we're gonna smoke cigars.
Hitchcock: We're gonna look at naked ladies.
Jake: No, Hitchcock, we're keeping it classy.
Hitchcock: Right, just their boobs.
Jake: No, no boobs.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, Sarge, Rosa loves him. Will you at least promise me you'll keep an open mind?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine, mind open. But for the record, I think they're making a mistake, and this whole thing is gonna blow up.
Jake: Fun attitude. Save it for the party bus.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Rosa, we could really use your input on the bachelorette party. See, we all have different ideas and no one is compromising.
Gina: I would compromise, but I refuse to not do mine.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Whose idea is best?
Charles: Excellent question. Here's a rundown of mine, the "elevator pitch," if you will. Has this ever happened to you? You show up at a bachelorette party-
Gina: Ding, the elevator doors closed. No one can hear you. We cannot hear you.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Why don't we just do all three parties?
Gina: Oh, and then you pick your favorite at the end. I.E. mine.

Quote from Charles

Gina: Party number one will be brought to you by Gina Linetti. And good times.
Charles: Where exactly are these good times? Because so far, the first six seconds of your party are a big old snooze.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Party round two: the quiz. Winner gets a question mark crown.
Gina: So cool. Um, I'll take Lonely Arts and Crafts for 800.
Amy: First of all, I've made many friends through arts and crafts.
Gina: And how many of them are googly eyed?

Quote from Jake

Jake: What do you have to say now?
Sergeant Jeffords: I guess someone's trying to kill him.
Jake: That's right! In your face! Someone's trying to kill him! Whoo! I mean, a man's life is in danger. Probably shouldn't be so pumped.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm also sorry that someone's trying to kill you, but I can really only take ownership for the first part.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So what's our plan?
Adrian Pimento: Okay. I'm gonna make this guy talk. Okay, all I need is a car battery, jumper cables, and unfettered access to his nips.
Jake: As much as I'd like to see that, I think you might be a little too close to this.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Gentlemen, I just thought of a plan.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stage Pimento's death and go to the meet-up ourselves.
Hitchcock: Great plan, Sarge!
Jake: No, I was gonna say it first. I thought of it before you did. You know, whatever, let's just do Sarge's thing, I guess.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: All right, now all you need to do is put some water on my crotch.
Jake: What? Why?
Adrian Pimento: Obviously because everybody who gets shot pees them self.

Quote from Jake

Jake: In fairness, there's probably a lot of turnover in his line of work, what with the constant death and everything.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: What do we know? Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis has a man in the FBI.
Sergeant Jeffords: And he tried to have Pimento killed.
Hitchcock: And I cut my other cheek.
Jake: How? I took the knife away from you.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: I want to lick your whole body clean like a kitty cat.
Jake: And I'm gonna give you two a little space.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, we need to make my main man Pimento look super murdered, like Tarantino disgusting murdered.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: I'm just gonna take the photo from the waist up, okay?
Adrian Pimento: Fine, but for the record, I think I should've peed myself.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, same ski mask. That's awkward.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Yeah, this guy won't be snitching in heaven. I mean, hell, obviously, he's going to hell. We all are; we're bad guys. Anyway, here's his tongue.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: Right now, they think I'm dead. This is my only chance to get away safe. Jake I need you to tell Rosa that I love her. Okay? Do that for me. Also, tell her this.
Jake: Oh. Oh my. Ew. That is very graphic, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: Got it?
Jake: I don't think I can say any of that to Rosa.

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