Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy any more. So, time for me to get out there and spread my -
Charles: legs.
Jake: - wings. Get out there and spread my legs?!
Charles: Well, either way...
Jake: No, not either way. Only wings.

Sergeant Jeffords: Apparently he's on an important call with the Albanian president.
Amy: Is that Bujar Nishani or is it still Bamir Topi?
Gina: Oh, Ames, let me check. Mmm, it just says no one likes you.

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Jake: Ugh, motorcade duty is so boring. I honestly would rather sit around and listen to you talk about the right way to make paella.
Charles: There's more than one right way to make paella. There are ten right ways. You've got Valencian, modern Valencian.
Jake: Wait, stop. I've made a terrible mistake.

Madeline Wuntch: You got your task force. I'm surprised.
Captain Holt: That's funny, after 20 years, I'd think you'd be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
Madeline Wuntch: I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold giggle pig, and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You better make some big arrests and quick, or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.
Captain Holt: Not if we make those arrests. Three-point dunk.
Sergeant Jeffords: You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.

Captain Holt: We're here are about a new and very potent for ecstasy that has surfaced in our precinct; street name, giggle pig.
Madeline Wuntch: Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose. Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
Captain Holt: That moustache was era-appropriate.

Jake: Three hours with no Holt or Terry. Do you know what this means?
Charles: Makeovers?
Jake: No, Charles.

Jake: Rosa has this dumb rule about not mixing work with personal stuff.
Amy: That's actually not a bad policy. I once gave my aunt a jaywalking ticket and things really deteriorated between us.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, if you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.

Captain Holt: More importantly, Wuntch got served. Oh my god, Wuntch sounds like lunch. Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.

Captain Holt: Hello, deputy chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Captain Holt: Do you want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive and she didn't notice.

Captain Holt: You think that semi-colon was a mistake? No, it was a juicy piece of bait, and she unhinged her jaw and swallowed it whole.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's a deputy chief. I'm sure she wants what's best for the community.
Captain Holt: She doesn't care about the community. She only cares about defeating me. This is war, Sarge, the War on Wuntch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh good, you've named it.

Captain Holt: I don't want to sound dramatic, but today has been sub-optimal. That doesn't leave this office.

Gina: Oh, Boyle, I love that you're trying to up your sex game, but strength is not your issue. Stop humming. And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.

Charles: Urgh, I can't do this to my mouth. She's the love of my life.

Madeline Wuntch: I've examined his proposal. There's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem.
Captain Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic. You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinian crisis to resolves itself.
Madeline Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
Captain Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Charles: Did you check out the videocamera?
Hitchcock: Yeah, I'm gonna take it home and videotape the top of my head. I think I might be thinning up there.

Jake: So Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We could play for Katie's number.
Rosa: No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?
Jake: No. Yes. Why? What gave it away?
Rosa: You said, "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, what are you so nervous about? There's a new drug in the precinct, and we need updated narcotics field kits. All we're asking for is $1,200. How could she say no to that?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, as long as I'm asking for it, Madeline Wuntch can say no to anything.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [sneezes] Ugh, may I?
Madeline Wuntch: Those are my tissues, Raymond. If you were planning on sneezing, you should have brought your own.

Captain Holt: Is that how you plan on sitting? Leaning back like a matinee-goer? Madeline will eat you alive. That's no better. Hands folded on your lap like a pervert?

Captain Holt: No one has anything to say?
Rosa: Captain, what you just saw was the Jimmy Jab games. It's a bunch of dumb contests we play to kill the time. Nobody even cares who wins.
Amy: I won!
Rosa: It's stupid, but we like it.

Charles: I can't do this. I can't make you look cool.
Hitchcock: Because you're afraid that Jake and I are gonna cut you out. Well, you're not wrong.

Captain Holt: What's going on here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone answer him now! Santiago! Peralta! Boyle?
Charles: Hitchcock is very handsome.
Hitchcock: Why, thank you, Boyle.

Gina: On your mark, get Seth- Rogen! Contestants must make it past the barricade hurdles then use a bean bag gun to get a snack. You will eat the snack in its entirety. Next, head down to the first floor where you will locate a pamphlet about bullying. Then print out a picture of me using a laptop from 1982 whoever grabs their printout first is the winner!

Rosa: Hey, you gave it a good try. Sorry you lost.
Jake: No. It's for the best. I let Amy win. You're right. I'm not over her.

Madeline Wuntch: Chief Fisker. Sergeant Jeffords. Raymond.
Captain Holt: Deputy chief Wuntch. I didn't realize you'd be attending.
Madeline Wuntch: I can tell. You have more of a fly-catching gape than usual.

Charles: Hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, Charles.
Charles: Who's this with me?
Jake: Hitchcock?
Charles: Well, we should go now.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Wow! What a high! Do you guys feel this way all the time?

Rosa: You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Jake: Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Rosa: Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Jake: Fine. Easy. But you better tell Katie to clear her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I am working nights until then, and the following weekend, I am out of town. Let's do this!

Jake: You're out? I'm in the finals? And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? Oh, that's nothing. Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior. That's right. It's your baby!
Amy: Are you sayin' I knocked you up?
Jake: You sure did!

Amy: I can't believe I lost again! I was so psyched up for this. What happened?
Jake: Well maybe being so psyched up is what happened. Like every time we're doing police work, you're always super-smart and you stay calm and take your time, but every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot. My advice: Next time, don't act like a crazy idiot.
Amy: Thanks. That's surprisingly insightful.
Jake: Yeah, well, motherhood Really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
Amy: All right.
Jake: Too much?

Amy: He's kicking so much. You wanna feel? No! That's a bad idea! Oh, my baby! It's on the side!

Charles: Please let me have the tape.
Hitchcock: No dice.
Charles: I don't know how to make you cool. I'm not even that cool myself. I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
Hitchcock: You have cool friends. Like Jake. I just wanna be part of a conversation where Jake uses my name and nobody insults me.
Charles: Damn it! You ask too much.

Gina: Jake will go first, then Amy, then Rosa. On your mark, get set, Paul Gosselaar!

Gina: On your marks, get set, Ruffalo!

Jake: Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the face, 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Rosa: What are you doing, Jake?
Jake: Trash talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend. It's a tough line to walk. Gotta loosen up my flower-buying fingers. I'm gonna go nuts on the daisies.

Gina: The Jimmy jabs has claimed its first victims. Boyle, you made no impact. Also, Detective Scully has withdrawn due to food poisoning, which I think we all saw coming.

Hitchcock: There's one thing I want, and it's not that big. I just want you to make me cool in everyone's eyes.
Charles: Not that big?

Madeline Wuntch: This paperwork is a mess. A semicolon that should clearly be a full colon? Was this prepared by a recent immigrant?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just one typo.
Madeline Wuntch: It's gibberish. Request denied.

Madeline Wuntch: Stay seated. We can do this out here, since you've already made yourselves comfortable. Sergeant Jeffords, why don't you just lie down?
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't sit any straighter than this.

Gina: Okay, guys, as usual, the loser of each event is eliminated from the games. The winner gets a bonus in the final round. Our first event is "The mouthathon." In front of you is month-old Chinese food from the fridge. Go ahead and eat as much as you can stomach. On your mark, get set, Wahlberg!

Jake: Welcome to the Jimmy jabs. We play for pride. We play for the phone numbers of Rosa's friends. But most importantly, we play to watch Amy lose.
Amy: Nope. This is my year.
Hitchcock: It's my year too.
Amy: Please don't align yourself with me.
Jake: Why not? Neither of you have ever come close to winning. You're exactly the same, just a couple of Santiagos.

Jake: Let the games begin!

Jake: As soon as Holt and Terry leave, we will commence with Jimmy Jab Seven, Circus of Fools. Jimmy Jabs...
All: [chanting] Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs!

Jake: Guys, guys, guys. Three-hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Makeovers.
Jake: No, Charles. The Jimmy Jab Games!
All: Yeah!
Jake: The first Jimmy Jabs were held in 2008, when the King of Iraq-
Rosa: President, Iran.
Jake: Armen Jimmy Jab.
Rosa: Ahmadinejad.
Jake: Came to New York, and were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests. On that day, a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his bagel to create the first Jimmy Jab event.

Jake: Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for. Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number? I want to ask her out.
Rosa: No, I don't mix personal and professional. You're never getting her number.
Jake: Never like, "we're never gonna have a black President" never? 'Cause that happened.
Rosa: A real never. Like if you ever ask me about this again, you're never gonna be able to eat without a straw.
Jake: Yeah, okay, well you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.