Quotes from ‘The Jimmy Jab Games’

The Jimmy Jab Games

The Jimmy Jab Games
Season 2, Episode 3 - Aired October 12, 2014

When a foreign president's motorcade is delayed and the Captain and Terry leave for a meeting, Jake launches the "Jimmy Jab Games". Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Terry must argue for funding of a new drug task force from Holt's nemesis, Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Apparently he's on an important call with the Albanian president.
Amy: Is that Bujar Nishani or is it still Bamir Topi?
Gina: Oh, Ames, let me check. Mmm, it just says no one likes you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ugh, motorcade duty is so boring. I honestly would rather sit around and listen to you talk about the right way to make paella.
Charles: There's more than one right way to make paella. There are ten right ways. You've got Valencian, modern Valencian.
Jake: Wait, stop. I've made a terrible mistake.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Captain Holt: We're here are about a new and very potent for ecstasy that has surfaced in our precinct; street name, giggle pig.
Madeline Wuntch: Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose. Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
Captain Holt: That moustache was era-appropriate.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Rosa has this dumb rule about not mixing work with personal stuff.
Amy: That's actually not a bad policy. I once gave my aunt a jaywalking ticket and things really deteriorated between us.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's a deputy chief. I'm sure she wants what's best for the community.
Captain Holt: She doesn't care about the community. She only cares about defeating me. This is war, Sarge, the War on Wuntch.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh good, you've named it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy any more. So, time for me to get out there and spread my -
Charles: legs.
Jake: - wings. Get out there and spread my legs?!
Charles: Well, either way...
Jake: No, not either way. Only wings.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Three hours with no Holt or Terry. Do you know what this means?
Charles: Makeovers?
Jake: No, Charles.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: More importantly, Wuntch got served. Oh my god, Wuntch sounds like lunch. Oh, this opens up so many new avenues.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You think that semi-colon was a mistake? No, it was a juicy piece of bait, and she unhinged her jaw and swallowed it whole.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Do you want to hear the funniest thing ever? I also split an infinitive and she didn't notice.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, if you ask me, you're acting like a real Victor Emmanuel III.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I don't want to sound dramatic, but today has been sub-optimal. That doesn't leave this office.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, Boyle, I love that you're trying to up your sex game, but strength is not your issue. Stop humming. And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Urgh, I can't do this to my mouth. She's the love of my life.

Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: I've examined his proposal. There's no proof that giggle pig is a serious problem.
Captain Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic. You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinian crisis to resolves itself.
Madeline Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naive.
Captain Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Is that how you plan on sitting? Leaning back like a matinee-goer? Madeline will eat you alive. That's no better. Hands folded on your lap like a pervert?

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: Did you check out the videocamera?
Hitchcock: Yeah, I'm gonna take it home and videotape the top of my head. I think I might be thinning up there.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for. Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number? I want to ask her out.
Rosa: No, I don't mix personal and professional. You're never getting her number.
Jake: Never like, "we're never gonna have a black President" never? 'Cause that happened.
Rosa: A real never. Like if you ever ask me about this again, you're never gonna be able to eat without a straw.
Jake: Yeah, okay, well you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guys, guys, guys. Three-hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Makeovers.
Jake: No, Charles. The Jimmy Jab Games!
All: Yeah!
Jake: The first Jimmy Jabs were held in 2008, when the King of Iraq-
Rosa: President, Iran.
Jake: Armen Jimmy Jab.
Rosa: Ahmadinejad.
Jake: Came to New York, and were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests. On that day, a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his bagel to create the first Jimmy Jab event.

Quote from Jake

Jake: As soon as Holt and Terry leave, we will commence with Jimmy Jab Seven, Circus of Fools. Jimmy Jabs...
All: [chanting] Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs!

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, what are you so nervous about? There's a new drug in the precinct, and we need updated narcotics field kits. All we're asking for is $1,200. How could she say no to that?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, as long as I'm asking for it, Madeline Wuntch can say no to anything.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [sneezes] Ugh, may I?
Madeline Wuntch: Those are my tissues, Raymond. If you were planning on sneezing, you should have brought your own.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: So Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We could play for Katie's number.
Rosa: No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?
Jake: No. Yes. Why? What gave it away?
Rosa: You said, "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Let the games begin!

Quote from

Jake: Welcome to the Jimmy jabs. We play for pride. We play for the phone numbers of Rosa's friends. But most importantly, we play to watch Amy lose.
Amy: Nope. This is my year.
Hitchcock: It's my year too.
Amy: Please don't align yourself with me.
Jake: Why not? Neither of you have ever come close to winning. You're exactly the same, just a couple of Santiagos.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Okay, guys, as usual, the loser of each event is eliminated from the games. The winner gets a bonus in the final round. Our first event is "The mouthathon." In front of you is month-old Chinese food from the fridge. Go ahead and eat as much as you can stomach. On your mark, get set, Wahlberg!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hello, deputy chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: Stay seated. We can do this out here, since you've already made yourselves comfortable. Sergeant Jeffords, why don't you just lie down?
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't sit any straighter than this.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: This paperwork is a mess. A semicolon that should clearly be a full colon? Was this prepared by a recent immigrant?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just one typo.
Madeline Wuntch: It's gibberish. Request denied.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: There's one thing I want, and it's not that big. I just want you to make me cool in everyone's eyes.
Charles: Not that big?

Quote from Gina

Gina: The Jimmy jabs has claimed its first victims. Boyle, you made no impact. Also, Detective Scully has withdrawn due to food poisoning, which I think we all saw coming.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the face, 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.
Rosa: What are you doing, Jake?
Jake: Trash talking you, while simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend. It's a tough line to walk. Gotta loosen up my flower-buying fingers. I'm gonna go nuts on the daisies.

Quote from Gina

Gina: On your marks, get set, Ruffalo!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake will go first, then Amy, then Rosa. On your mark, get set, Paul Gosselaar!

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: Please let me have the tape.
Hitchcock: No dice.
Charles: I don't know how to make you cool. I'm not even that cool myself. I mean, sure, I have a pizza stone.
Hitchcock: You have cool friends. Like Jake. I just wanna be part of a conversation where Jake uses my name and nobody insults me.
Charles: Damn it! You ask too much.

Quote from Amy

Amy: He's kicking so much. You wanna feel? No! That's a bad idea! Oh, my baby! It's on the side!

Quote from Jake

Amy: I can't believe I lost again! I was so psyched up for this. What happened?
Jake: Well maybe being so psyched up is what happened. Like every time we're doing police work, you're always super-smart and you stay calm and take your time, but every time we do dumb games like this, you get all frantic and act like a crazy idiot. My advice: Next time, don't act like a crazy idiot.
Amy: Thanks. That's surprisingly insightful.
Jake: Yeah, well, motherhood Really opens a man's eyes. I finally feel as if I'm part of something bigger than myself.
Amy: All right.
Jake: Too much?

Quote from Jake

Jake: You're out? I'm in the finals? And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? Oh, that's nothing. Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior. That's right. It's your baby!
Amy: Are you sayin' I knocked you up?
Jake: You sure did!

Quote from Jake

Rosa: You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.
Jake: Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.
Rosa: Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.
Jake: Fine. Easy. But you better tell Katie to clear her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I am working nights until then, and the following weekend, I am out of town. Let's do this!

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: Hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, Charles.
Charles: Who's this with me?
Jake: Hitchcock?
Charles: Well, we should go now.
[later:]
Hitchcock: Wow! What a high! Do you guys feel this way all the time?

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: Chief Fisker. Sergeant Jeffords. Raymond.
Captain Holt: Deputy chief Wuntch. I didn't realize you'd be attending.
Madeline Wuntch: I can tell. You have more of a fly-catching gape than usual.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: You got your task force. I'm surprised.
Captain Holt: That's funny, after 20 years, I'd think you'd be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
Madeline Wuntch: I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold giggle pig, and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You better make some big arrests and quick, or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.
Captain Holt: Not if we make those arrests. Three-point dunk.
Sergeant Jeffords: You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.

Quote from Gina

Gina: On your mark, get Seth- Rogen! Contestants must make it past the barricade hurdles then use a bean bag gun to get a snack. You will eat the snack in its entirety. Next, head down to the first floor where you will locate a pamphlet about bullying. Then print out a picture of me using a laptop from 1982 whoever grabs their printout first is the winner!

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: What's going on here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone answer him now! Santiago! Peralta! Boyle?
Charles: Hitchcock is very handsome.
Hitchcock: Why, thank you, Boyle.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: No one has anything to say?
Rosa: Captain, what you just saw was the Jimmy Jab games. It's a bunch of dumb contests we play to kill the time. Nobody even cares who wins.
Amy: I won!
Rosa: It's stupid, but we like it.

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: I can't do this. I can't make you look cool.
Hitchcock: Because you're afraid that Jake and I are gonna cut you out. Well, you're not wrong.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Hey, you gave it a good try. Sorry you lost.
Jake: No. It's for the best. I let Amy win. You're right. I'm not over her.

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