Quotes from ‘Chocolate Milk’

Chocolate Milk

Chocolate Milk
Season 2, Episode 2 - Aired October 5, 2014

When Jake offers to drive Sergeant Jeffords to the hospital for his vasectomy, Terry tells Jake he thinks of him as "work friend" - not a friend friend. When a drugged up Terry admits he isn't sure he wants the vasectomy, Jake tries to prevent the operation. Meanwhile, Captain Holt is in a precarious position when an enemy from his past returns in a position of power.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

Quote from Jake

Doctor: We weren't able to do the procedure. Your friend is so large-
Jake: That you needed a bigger saw to cut through his dingus.

Quote from Jake

Jake: That's so bitter. What's wrong with this chocolate milk?
Store Owner: Dark milk isn't chocolate milk. This is teat-to-mouth raw cow's milk. The bitterness of the chocolate brings out the sourness in the milk.
Jake: That's the worst part of both of those things.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: I guess I didn't really think of you as that kind of friend.
Jake: Sarge, I'm every kind of friend. I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler, I'm Rachel, I'm - who's the dinosaur guy?
Sergeant Jeffords: Ross, bro. Ross!
Jake: Sorry, I forgot you were such a Ross head.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh my God, she's totally gonna flunk us. I haven't gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade. "Teachers need a break too, Amy".

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake! The doctors made me into a superhero. I'm so strong. Oh, and they made me black!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Look guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis, then it's his choice.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what a vasectomy is.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Hold it up. You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Quote from Captain Holt

Madeline Wuntch: Spot checks are done. Needless to say I'm thoroughly underwhelmed.
Captain Holt: Huh. From your expression, I would have guessed constipated. Or chilly.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, you were right. I don't want the surgery, tiny head!
Jake: NYPD! Put down the scalpel and step away from my work friend's wiener tubes.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Dude, your head is so small! Like a... No, no, it's so small! Jake: All right.
Sergeant Jeffords: Where do you keep your brains?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Good news is our evaluation will be done by Deputy Chief Brandt. We have a good rapport. He was once my captain.
Charles: So he's kinda like our grand-captain?
Captain Holt: That is amazingly funny.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Santiago, when I greet the deputy chief, I want you there by my side to make a good impression. No offense, but you are something of a teacher's pet.
Amy: None taken. People love their pets.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You gotta promise me, you won't let them give me the operation. I wanna have more kids. I don't want the vasectomy. Promise me, tiny head, promise me!

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: Well, good-bye, Raymond. Anything you'd like to say to me before I complete my evaluation? Something in the form of groveling?

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: Wait a minute. You thought I cost you that promotion because you're gay? That's what you've been mad about all these years?
Captain Holt: It's one reason.
Madeline Wuntch: I don't care that you rejected my advances. Your sexual identity is the one thing I actually respect about you.
Captain Holt: Then what are you mad about?
Madeline Wuntch: I'm mad because you tried to get me thrown off the force.
Captain Holt: Yeah, because you shot me.
Madeline Wuntch: I shot you because you were in the wrong position. You weren't following orders.
Captain Holt: What about the time you destroyed my personnel file while I was undercover?
Madeline Wuntch: What if there had been a mole?
Captain Holt: You were trying to make me disappear.
Madeline Wuntch: You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter!
Captain Holt: You embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Where were you? This is chaos. Gina's been filing evidence by "perp hotness."

Quote from Jake

Counselor: He's walking out. Just like your father did.
Jake: Wait a minute. I didn't tell you about that.
Counselor: Didn't have to.
Jake: You are good!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey! Cut it out, Cake Boy, you're making health insurance more expensive for everyone else.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Stop worrying about my vasectomy, man. Maybe you should focus on your own body. When was the last time you had a carrot?
Jake: Well, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely. If I have to, I'll just eat the frosting.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives.
Amy: And blanks! Sorry, I just never think of jokes.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: So he has no filter whatsoever?
Doctor: None.
Jake: I'm gonna take ya home now, sarge.
Hey, what do you think of captain Holt?
Sergeant Jeffords: He needs to smoke some weed.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Captain Holt: Interesting. I will attempt to co-operate with you under these new circumstances.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't sweet talk me, Holt.
Captain Holt: I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Forget friends, let's go as Bone Bros.

Quote from Charles

Charles: My ears are burning. Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I care about my friends. Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Gina: Ugh, God, no need to be so testes.
Rosa: Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Charles: Sergeant, is this gonna go on your Spermanent record.
Jake: Now playing, Scrotal Recall.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Here, this is for you. It's a grade for your performance these past few days. A letter grade, so as to not be "weird" about it.
Amy: Oh, my God. You really shouldn't have. An "A". Thank you. Just curious, does your system have pluses in it, or is, like, "A" the highest?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, I have to tell you something.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am a little conflicted about having a vasectomy.
Jake: Really? Is that why you threw an EKG machine at the doctor?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry I thought of you as a work friend. You're here, man. You're a friend friend. You made Terry get real with himself and his genitals. Your tiny head has a big heart inside it.
Jake: I know that's scientifically wrong, but thanks, sarge.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Here's what's about to happen. We're gonna go to this terrible party, I'm gonna laugh at all your jokes, gonna talk about your medal of valor, and I'm gonna make you look like a Jamaican God of rhythm.
Charles: Sebastian from the little mermaid.
Rosa: Also, tomorrow, I'm gonna help you find a new apartment. You can't live in your ex-wife's basement anymore.
Charles: Wow! Respect, mon. I'm gonna read you my toast in the car.
Rosa: You're giving a toast?
Charles: More like we're giving a toast.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I attempted to cajole her but she rebuffed me. I'm not a man of unlimited cajoling.
Amy: Well, you better become one because I need you in command. This precinct needs you in command. Cajole up, captain.

Quote from Amy

Amy: You're just gonna let her fail us?
Captain Holt: I'm sorry about your precious grade, Santiago, but this isn't about you.
Amy: Don't "this isn't about you" me! I'm "this isn't about you"-ing you!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Excuse me, captain, I don't want to say that I saved the day, but I will because I did. So... The letter of recommendation she wrote for you 25 years ago.
Captain Holt: Where'd you get this?
Amy: I just went down to one police plaza and applied some of my signature Amy charm.
Gina: And then when you wouldn't stop, they just gave it to you?
Amy: More or less.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Have you seen this man around DRK MLK?
Woman: Oh, I don't go there. They don't allow babies in there.
Jake: What is wrong with them? All I drank when I was a baby was chocolate milk.

Quote from Captain Holt

[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline. Would you care for a drink?
Madeline Wuntch: I'd love one.
Captain Holt: I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk. I've had a couple to build up the nerve. I think we both know what I'm about to say.
Madeline Wuntch: Raymond, I don't think we need to say anything. [undresses]
Captain Holt: I'm gay. That's what I was going to tell you.
Madeline Wuntch: Well, then.
[present:]
Captain Holt: She sabotaged my career because I refused to bed her.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: We were doomed the minute she slithered into the precinct. It's funny. When we first met, we had some good times.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Looks like we both want that stapler.
Madeline Wuntch: Seems that way based on what happened.
[Holt and Wuntch chuckle]

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Captain Holt: And since my arrival, violent crime has gone down by 17.3%, as you can see here.
Madeline Wuntch: Two-toned graphs? You think you can distract me from the precinct's problems with a flashy presentation? Same old Ray Holt. All sizzle, no steak.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I know, he made me promise to not let him get that surgery. And it wasn't just the drugs. He doesn't want this. As his friend, it's my job to stop him. [screams] Sorry, Terry turned my spine into a loose stack of pebbles.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Jake, I am so scared that man is about to make a huge mistake, RE: his vas deferens.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Interesting. I will attempt to cooperate with you. Under these new circumstances.
Madeline Wuntch: Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
Captain Holt: I gave it my best shot. Let's begin.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Dude, why are you going to your ex-wife's engagement party at all?
Charles: She and her fiance, Hercules, are also my landlords. I mean, it's not like I can avoid them. I live in their basement.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: I'm so sorry, I just got some bad news. My sister was gonna go with me to an engagement party but she had to cancel.
Rosa: So go alone. Maybe you'll meet some new bag.
Charles: It's my ex-wife Eleanor's engagement party. I can't go alone. I'm worried it might seem a little pathetic.
Rosa: Yeah, if only you could've gone with your sister.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch

Madeline Wuntch: It's Deputy Chief Wuntch now. Unsurprisingly, I've been promoted above you. And now I'm here to evaluate you.
Captain Holt: What happened to Brandt?
Madeline Wuntch: He retired and moved to Charleston to be closer to his grandchildren. So much for dying at your desk with a little dignity.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: The new NYPD commissioner is planning a complete reorganization of the force. But first, he'll be sending a deputy chief to every precinct to conduct a top to bottom evaluation.
Amy: What? When? Are we gonna be graded? Or is this just some pass/fail garbage?
Captain Holt: Scale of one-to-five.
Amy: That's how many letter grades there are. Feels like they're just being weird using numbers instead of letters.
Rosa: Yeah, they're being weird right now.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey sarge, great news. I just got assigned such a dope stabbing. Sorry, the stabbing part is bad. But here's the dope part. The guy survived and he owns a chocolate milk restaurant.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously?
Jake: I know, right? Finally, a dumb Brooklyn hipster trend my mouth and I can get behind.Wanna hop on the case with me? We're a killer team. Jeffords and Peralta. Jake and Terry. Chocolate and milk. I mean, I'm the chocolate and you're the milk 'cause you're so full of protein! Don't be mad! Just do the case!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Ugh. I didn't strike you when you said knocking boots, but Bone Bros. I can not abide.

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