Jake: And you're wrong because he was clearly driving his Bentley naked, tried to pee out the window, and was then struck by a goose on the wang. Is that what happened, sir? Was he struck by a goose?
Captain Holt: He was actually struck by a female coworker who claims he attempted to sexually assault her. [all groan]
Jake: I really wish you had stopped us before we started guessing.
Captain Holt: I'm not responsible for that.