Quotes from ‘He Said, She Said’

He Said, She Said

He Said, She Said
Season 6, Episode 8 - Aired February 28, 2019

Jake and Amy investigate a difficult "he said, she said" case. Holt becomes suspicious after learning his lifelong arch nemesis died in a prison transport accident.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, sorry to interrupt. I just got off the phone with the Department of Corrections. They wanted me to let you know that Ernest Zumowski died.
Captain Holt: My goodness. It's been a while since I've heard that name. I hunted him for years and finally caught him and put an end to his bloodlust. In some sick way, I am who I am because of Ernest Zumowski AKA-
All: The Disco Strangler.
Captain Holt: Oh, so you knew who I was talking about?
Charles: Yeah, sir, you talk about him a lot.
Captain Holt: You know, the yo-yo was his-
All: Calling card.
Captain Holt: Oh, I mentioned that too? So how'd he die?
Sergeant Jeffords: He was in a prison transport van, and he got in a terrible accident. It burst into flames, and he was trapped inside.
Captain Holt: [laughing] Well, well, well, he finally did it.
Charles: Died horribly?
Captain Holt: Escaped. Just like he said he would all those years ago.
[past:]
Disco Strangler: I'll be coming back for you. I'm just like disco, baby. I will never die.
Captain Holt: True, disco will never die, but you will-
[present:]
All: In your cell, punk.
Captain Holt: Oh, so I've told that part of the story as well?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, at every Christmas party.
Charles: Sir, I am the first to tout the capabilities of senior citizens. I have made love to many, but the Disco Strangler is over 80. I doubt that he could pull off an escape like this.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's what he wants you to think. You're both underestimating him. I know 28 other people who did that, and they all ended up with yo-yos around their throats.
Charles and Sergeant Jeffords: Necks.
Captain Holt: Nope, I said "throats," not necks, which means I haven't told that story too many times. All right, lace up your dancing shoes because it's time to catch this disco bastard.

Quote from Captain Holt

Dr. Oliver Cox: So in conclusion: the burns on Zumowski's body are consistent with a massive vehicle fire.
Captain Holt: If this even is his body.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Excuse me?
Captain Holt: We're talking about the Disco Strangler a serial killer, who for six years stayed one step ahead of the entire NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not sure he had many steps left in him, sir. Take a look.
Charles: Aw. He looks fragile and sweet.
Captain Holt: Sweet as poison pie.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I just don't think that men understand how different everything is for us.
I can think of a million examples from this week alone.
[Jake and Amy on the street:]
Jake: [observing a kid playing a video game] Oh, sick!
Amy: [a man creeps on Amy] Oh, sick!
[Jake and Amy getting coffee:]
Lyle: Have a great day.
Jake: Oh, thanks. You too.
Lyle: [to Amy] You have a beautiful mouth. Have a great day.
[Amy in the corridors of the precinct:]
Ron: Excuse me, Miss, do you know where I can find a police officer? [to Jake] Uh, sir, you're a police officer, right?
Jake: Yeah, I'm a detective.
Ron: Oh, thank God.
Amy: I'm in uniform!
[present:]
Jake: Oh, that's why you yelled that. I thought you were just excited about your general love of uniforms.
Amy: Usually when I yell that, it is because of my love of uniforms but not today. Today it was because of that sexist jerk.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: All right, the state police is deploying 30 men and four helicopters to comb the area of the accident. I felt comfortable saying this disco-man has danced his last disco dance.

Quote from Captain Holt

Regina Park: Sorry if my voice is raspy. They just took the breathing tube out.
Captain Holt: But they left the BS in?
Sergeant Jeffords: Good God.
Charles: Whoa.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: So, Ms. Park, it says in my file that you drove Mr. Zumowski on multiple occasions.
Regina Park: Yes. Because he had to go to the hospital a lot. He was very, very old.
Captain Holt: She's clearly been seduced.
Sergeant Jeffords: She has?
Captain Holt: Let's cut the crap. You helped him escape. You planted a cadaver in the back. You flipped the van on purpose. Then the Strangler set it on fire and sprinkled some of his hair nearby so there'd be a DNA match. Then he left behind his calling card: this yo-yo string!
Regina Park: That's not a yo-yo string.
Captain Holt: What?
Regina Park: That's part of the lanyard we give to the older inmates when they become fall risks.
Captain Holt: You're lying. You've succumbed to his groovy voodoo!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Zowie. I'm young!
Sergeant Jeffords: What is it?
Captain Holt: It's an aerial photograph from one of the helicopters I had deployed. Take a gander, boys. It's him. The Disco Strangler.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God. You were right.
Captain Holt: Of course I was. I know him better than anyone. We're two sides of the same-
All: Coin!
Charles: You've told us this story many times.
Captain Holt: And you'll hear it again!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Freeze! NYPD!
Ernest Zumowski: Is that Raymond Holt I see? You haven't changed a bit.
Captain Holt: Neither have you, Ernest.
Ernest Zumowski: What?
Captain Holt: [louder] Neither have you, Ernest.
Ernest Zumowski: What?
Captain Holt: Neither have you, Ernest!
Sergeant Jeffords: Ugh, this is hard to watch.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You're just as devious as ever. You seduced the van driver, didn't you?
Ernest Zumowski: No, I seduced the van driver. She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.
Captain Holt: And the yo-yo string was a message.
Ernest Zumowski: The what was a what?
Captain Holt: The yo-yo string was-
Charles: Captain, this is embarrassing. Can we just take him in?
Captain Holt: Yeah, you're right. This isn't what I hoped for. Go ahead and cuff him, gently.
Ernest Zumowski: This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond. I'm never gonna die.
Captain Holt: Sure you won't. Whatever makes you feel better.
Ernest Zumowski: No, you're the punk.
Captain Holt: Just put him in the car.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: And now on to new business. Peralta, there's a case I'd like you to handle. Methodist Hospital called this morning. Apparently, a 38-year-old investment banker was admitted last night with a broken penis.It looks like-
Jake: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a finance guy with a broken dong? Uh, methinks some "Wolf of Wall Street" style shenana-googles have taken place this day. Anyone care to wager a guess as to how this happened?

Quote from Jake

Jake: And you're wrong because he was clearly driving his Bentley naked, tried to pee out the window, and was then struck by a goose on the wang. Is that what happened, sir? Was he struck by a goose?
Captain Holt: He was actually struck by a female coworker who claims he attempted to sexually assault her. [all groan]
Jake: I really wish you had stopped us before we started guessing.
Captain Holt: I'm not responsible for that.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: Now due to the sensitive subject matter, I think it makes sense to partner Peralta with-
Hitchcock: Me? Because I'm the best at sex?
Captain Holt: No, Hitchcock. In fact, you know what? This isn't your week. Why don't you take a few days off?
Hitchcock: Sweet! Have fun working, cucks!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Santiago and Peralta, talk to both parties. Get to the bottom of this broken penis.
Jake: Wait. I just want to say I think it's sad that we as a society can no longer laugh at the phrase "broken penis," and it is my dream that we one day shall again. Team Broken Penis on three. One, two, three-
Scully: Broken penis!
Jake: Yeah, probably should've seen that coming.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Mr. Haggerty, please have a seat. Oh, you can stand if that's more comfortable.
Seth Haggerty: No, it's cool. The doctor said I need to change positions frequently so I don't form a penile clot.
Jake: Oh, I'm not gonna barf- So on that note, please explain the events that led to your diaper.

Quote from Jake

Seth Haggerty: So last night I was giving my coworker, Keri, some pointers on her trades. Told her "lever up on VTC. There's no fat tail on the vol's wicked low." I just didn't want her to chump it.
Jake: Right, and you spoke that way because you were ... snowboarding?
Seth Haggerty: No, we were in my office.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Thank you for coming in, Ms. Brennan. Can you describe your working relationship with Mr. Haggerty?
Keri Brennan: Absolutely. Seth hired me three years ago to help with large-scale statistical arbitrage and ever since we've been at a steady 18% yield.
Jake: I didn't know most of those words, but I'm assuming it means you're good at business.
Keri Brennan: I am good. I brought in $168 million to the firm last quarter.
Jake: Wow, that's a lot of money. Where do you keep it all? It's in a computer.
I've watched too much "DuckTales."
Keri Brennan: No, you can never watch too much "DuckTales." It's my dream to have a gold coin pool.
Jake: Like Scrooge McD. Continue.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Can you tell us what happened?
Keri Brennan: I was working late, and he called me into his office. He had clearly been drinking, and before I knew it, he pushed me into a desk and he tried to take my clothes off. So I grabbed his stupid golf club and I hit him in the Cookie Monster, which is what he calls his penis, by the way.
Amy: Gross.
Keri Brennan: He's the worst. My only regret is that I didn't get in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.
Jake: What does he call those? Bert and Ernie?
Keri Brennan: You are actually correct.
Jake: Ugh, I hate that I got that right.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Were you able to match the dental records to the Disco Strangler?
Dr. Oliver Cox: No, the body had no teeth.
Captain Holt: Well, that's suspicious.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Not really. Zumowski didn't have any teeth either.
Charles: Due to him being very old?
Dr. Oliver Cox: Yes.
Captain Holt: What about the fact that this corpse is 71 inches tall when the Disco Strangler was 76?
Dr. Oliver Cox: He shrank over time.
Charles: Is that another old person thing?
Dr. Oliver Cox: Yes, it is. Another old person thing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, it's fun to see you breaking out the old lingo, but do you think you're jumping the gun? All the evidence points to the Strangler being dead.
Captain Holt: Not all the evidence.
Sergeant Jeffords: Right. The random piece of thread you think is a yo-yo string.
Captain Holt: It is a yo-yo string. The most dangerous part of the yo-yo.
Sergeant Jeffords: It just feels like you're trying to relive your glory days.
Captain Holt: Absurd.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, what do you have in that box over there?
Captain Holt: Memories and keepsakes of my greatest cases.
Charles and Sergeant Jeffords: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: To remind me of the Strangler's MO. He always seduced an accomplice into doing his fiendish bidding. I bet it was the van driver.
Charles: You mean the woman who was thrown violently from the vehicle and just barely survived?
Captain Holt: Yeah, I'm sure she was very "badly injured."

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I don't think she's lying. Look at this photo from the file.
Captain Holt: Oh, my goodness. So this string is just a string? The DNA was really a match? The Disco Strangler is actually dead. And that chapter of my life is forever closed. Well, that's ... fantastic news.

Quote from Jake

Paula: Okay, we have you set up here. We have a VR experience down the hall where you can fly like a bird, and if you need anything else just buzz and one of our butlers will assist you.
Jake: This place is amazing. It's like a dream factory.
Amy: We're investigating a sexual assault that occurred in these offices.
Jake: Right, of course. I know. This is how people get tempted by the devil. I see what you're up to, platter of tiny quiches.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, you haven't come out of your office in a while. How are you doing?
Captain Holt: Terrible. You were right. I was trying to relive my glory years, but the fact remains, they are behind me. My only nemesis now Father Time.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, sir. That's ridiculous. You're on the cutting edge. In fact, you're so progressive, they were scared to make you Police Commissioner. [machine beeping] You're as modern as they come. What is that noise?
Captain Holt: It's my fax machine.
Charles: Oh, Captain.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: All right, people, your suspect's name is Ernest Zumowski, better known as the Disco Strangler. Take a close look. This is the most dangerous man in America. 5'8", hunched over, 93 pounds with gray hair and blue-gray skin. If you encounter him, keep your distance.
Geoff Havili: All due respect, sir, seems like a lot of manpower to take down one sweet-looking old man.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, he's sweet, all right. Sweet as poison pie.
Charles: Yeah, don't underestimate him! I know 28 other people who did that, and they all have yo-yos swinging from their throats.
Captain Holt: So you were listening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we were saying that all along.
Captain Holt: Thank you, gentlemen. All right, troops. Travel in twos. Keep your eyes open, and for God's sake, protect the neck.

Quote from Amy

Keri Brennan: Everybody looks at me like I'm either a victim or a traitor. I mean, I'm not even on any of the non-work group texts. And last night Beefer invited everybody over for whiskey and cigars, and I wasn't included.
Amy: Well, I mean, is not hanging out with Beefer really a punishment, per se?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Amy's just upset because the historically entrenched patriarchy has created a culture of victim-shaming that suppresses any power shift in our masculo-phallic system.
Amy: Huh?
Jake: I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a documentary on Netflix about feminism.
Amy: I love you.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Yeah, I bet he dipped it in a pile of cocaine, got it real numb, and then hit a croquet ball with it.
Jake: Totally possible.

Quote from Scully

Scully: He probably sat on it.
Hitchcock: So it got under his butt.
Scully: Happens all the time.
Hitchcock: Sure do.
Jake: Ugh, you guys are horrible.

Quote from Captain Holt

Dr. Oliver Cox: We also have a DNA match between hair on the head of this body and the Disco Strangler.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, this is clearly Zumowski. And that's a good thing. You can finally say good-bye to your nemesis.
Captain Holt: Thanks, sergeant. That's a nice thought. For an idiot to have. Look at this.
Charles: A dirty little string?
Captain Holt: Oh, it's not just any old string. It's a yo-yo string, the most dangerous part of the yo-yo. The Strangler wanted me to find this. He's out there, and he's taunting me.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Okay, Ms. Brennan, we've discussed it, and we think you should file charges against Mr. Haggerty for sexual assault. Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's a difficult process-
Keri Brennan: Actually, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't wanna press charges. The firm just offered me $2.5 million if I sign an NDA and let this slide.
Amy: Wait, so you're gonna let Seth get off Scot-free?
Jake: Well, that money would go a long way towards the Scrooge pool. Sorry, ignore me. "DuckTales." Woo-oo.

Quote from Amy

Keri Brennan: I mean, I think I have to take it. This is a "he said, she said," situation. I know how that goes down. No one's gonna convict him on my word alone. The system's as broken as Seth's dong.
Amy: No, it's not. I'm the system. And I'm nothing like Seth's dong.
Jake: It feels like we can move off this analogy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: God, how many creeps have I not noticed before- Oh, no. The fruit seller guy on our corner, is he a creep?
Amy: No, he's a real gentleman, which is surprising because he's always holding those two cantaloupes and the opportunity to be gross is right there.
Jake: Is it? I've never even noticed that before. I never wanted to make a comment or anything like that and thought better. [sniffles] Anyways.

Quote from Amy

Jake: I am genuinely very sorry that this is something you have to go through all the time.
Amy: It's okay. I'm used to it.
Jake: That's even sadder.
Amy: I know.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: But you know what's not sad? That Keri didn't take that insane amount of hush money, and now we get to put a bad guy in jail.
Jake: Amen.
Rosa: Wait, her firm offered her a big deal and you told her not to take it?
Amy: Yeah. Because that would mean letting a sexual assaulter go free.
Rosa: Do you have any physical evidence to prove that he did it?
Amy: No.
Rosa: So it sounds like he might go free anyway. I mean, at least if she takes the deal, she won't walk away with nothing.
Amy: I'm surprised you feel like that. You're such a feminist.
Jake: I feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.
Rosa: I am a feminist, but I'm also a realist. I'm just looking out for the victim.
Jake: Or should I be here because men should be part of the conversation?
Rosa: Let's say best case scenario you do find evidence. She's still gonna have to go through a very public trial where they drag her name through the mud. Even if she wins, she still loses. It's two steps forward, one step back.
Jake: I've landed on active listening. I will no longer be chiming in.
Amy: Yeah, but when one person comes forward, it inspires others to speak up. And that's a hell of a lot better than taking a deal that lets sexual predators walk free.
Rosa: Dude, obviously, I get that. I'm just saying, remember that there's a very real woman here whose career and life are gonna be affected by you pursuing this case. I'm just saying, consider what's best for her.

Quote from Jake

Amy: We need to get someone on the record about Seth's patterned behaviors.
I think if we start with- How many tiny quiches do you have in your mouth?
Jake: [muffled] Five. I'll swallow them.

Quote from Jake

Trent: I don't think something like that would happen here. It's an extremely professional workplace, and Seth's a really good guy. I don't think he's even ever bought a prostitute before.
Jake: Is that the minimum requirement for being a good guy these days?
Trent: Can I go? Beefer's birthday's starting and a bunch of Mets are here.
Present day or '86?
Trent: Both.
Jake: I'm gonna escort him back.

Quote from Jake

Beefer: Hey, I'm Beefer. It's my birthday.
Jake: Yeah, we heard.
Amy: Happy Birthday, Beefer.
Beefer: Beefer's not my real name. They just call me that 'cause I beefed on my first day.
Jake: Okay, but for the record, no one asked.

Beefer: I don't have anything bad to say about Seth. He's a really good guy, and this office is what's the word?
Jake and Amy: Extremely professional.
Beefer: Yes!

Quote from Jake

Albert: That wasn't hush money. That was a benevolent gesture to allow Ms. Brennan to get the professional help she so clearly needs. However, since she has chosen to pursue this matter with the police, that deal is now null and void. Furthermore, we are terminating her.
Jake and Amy: What?
Albert: We have a zero tolerance policy for violence here. And unlike Ms.
Brennan, Mr. Haggerty has actual evidence of an assault.
Seth Haggerty: He's talking about my broken penis.
Jake: Yeah, Seth, we know.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Hey, you never came home last night. You doing okay?
Scully: No, I'm a mess. I miss Hitchcock.
Jake: What? I was obviously talking to Amy.
Scully: Oh, and who's talking to Scully? No one. Come on, sandwich.

Quote from Jake

Amy: But I can't find anything. I've read through three years of Seth's emails, and it's mostly inquiries about where he could buy a Batmobile.
Jake: Tah, so stupid, but did he find one? Is it like at a dealership or something? Never mind.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Look, I know this sucks, and I hate to say it, but we both know sometimes you work a case and you just don't have the evidence.
Amy: This isn't just a case for me. When I was a rookie at the Six-Four, my captain was my first mentor. He helped me get on the detective track, and he gave me all the best cases. But when I finally made detective, he took me to dinner and tried to kiss me. He said that he felt like he deserved something in return for my career. [voice breaking] I just ran out of the restaurant back to the office, and I put in my transfer for the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Oh, man. I'm so sorry.
Amy: I never told anyone because I felt like maybe I didn't actually deserve my promotion. And I worried that I wouldn't get anymore promotions if I spoke up, so-
Jake: God. Every time I think I understand how bad it is, it's just way worse than I imagined.
Amy: This kind of stuff has happened to literally every woman I know. I just wanted to help make it better for this one woman.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Wait, where are you going?
Jake: I'm gonna go get you a change of clothes and a coffee. We're not giving up.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Hey, what if we reach out to all the coworkers again, privately? Maybe they didn't talk to us because we interviewed them in their office.
Jake: I think that's a great idea. I'll be right back. Oh, I'm also gonna grab a comb, but you don't have to use it unless you decide.
Amy: Okay, babe.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So we're meeting a guy named Steve. He said he couldn't speak openly with us when we met him in the conference room.
Jake: Steve? I don't remember a Steve. Who's Steve?
Beefer: I am.
Jake and Amy: Beefer?
Jake: So your real name is Steve?
Beefer: Yeah, I hate it. Makes me sound like a douche.
Jake: Yeah, Beefer's better.

Quote from Jake

Beefer: I wanted to show you this text chain between Seth and some of the guys in the office.
Amy: Whoa, Seth describes the night exactly like Keri did. And then he writes "LOLZ, Epic Fail." What's this GIF he sent?
Jake: Oh, that's Kelsey Grammer falling off a stage. [laughs, clears throat]

Quote from Jake

Beefer: I was really torn about whether or not I should send this to you guys but then I thought about it for a long time and realized it was the right thing to do.
Amy: Oh, who would have guessed Beefer's a secret feminist.
Beefer: No, gross. I meant it was the right thing to do for me.
Jake: Huh?
Beefer: If they fire Seth, I take his job.
Jake: Okay. Well, we got what we needed here. So I think we're gonna leave before you ruin the moment any further.
Beefer: Sweet. I'll send it to ya. Thanks for the promosh, narks.
Jake: [scoffs] You're the nark. [scoffs]
Amy: Let's go.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Hey, what's with the boxes? Moving to a better desk?
Jake: With a better butler and more of those mini quiches?

Quote from Amy

Keri Brennan: No, I'm taking my stuff home.
I had to quit.
Jake and Amy: Wha.....at?

Keri Brennan: Yeah, but if I'm not at Beefer's for whiskey and cigars, then I don't get invited to Vegas with Slurpie and Trundle, and I'm definitely not at Skidmark's pig roast.
Jake: Man, these nicknames are just bad.
Keri Brennan: I actually came up with Skidmark. It's very funny if you know the back story.
Jake: He pooped his pants?
Keri Brennan: [laughs] Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Keri Brennan: Hey, Seth attacked me. And I'm really proud of myself that I didn't let him get away with that. So, even though it sucks, if I had to do it all again, I would. Especially the broken penis.
Jake: Why'd she say that to me?
Amy: I don't know.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Just sucks that she came forward to report an assault and the only one who truly benefited - is a guy named Beefer.
Jake: You don't know Beefer but-
Rosa: Oh, I've met plenty of Beefers.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Look this is a hard fight. But it's an important one. It's good that you convinced her to press charges.
Amy: But she lost the money, and she had to quit the job she loves. That's exactly what you said would happen.
Rosa: But you got the guy who assaulted her. And look over there.
Amy: Keri's coworker?
Rosa: She came forward to report an assault because she was inspired by Keri, which is exactly what you said would happen. Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. You wanna take her statement together?
Amy: You know it, sister.
Rosa: Yeah, don't do that.
Amy: We can be different and still have the same cause.

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