Captain Holt: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Captain Holt: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Captain Holt: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: Captain. How'd you know we were here?
Captain Holt: I followed you. John Kelly gave you a "Hot Clue," didn't he? How dare you disobey me.
Jake: Come on, sir, it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer.
Captain Holt: Well then let's see this tip, this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.
Jake: Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.
Captain Holt: Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.
Jake: You just said, "naw, bitch."

Jake: Look. We can still stop John Kelly. All we need is some hard evidence.
Captain Holt: How? He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.
Jake: I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.
Captain Holt: No, that's too risky. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?
Jake: Because these people aren't loyal to anybody. I made a suicide squad!

Jake: Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Holt: Good morning. You guys the podium, it's... Ha. [chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?