Tommy Boyle: It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time. I mean, except for Lyndon.
Jake: Lyndon wasn't happy?
Tommy Boyle: Yeah, it was strange. He was passing through the living room. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ. But he just ignored me. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. An HJ?
Lyndon Boyle: A head job. A massage. Isn't that what everyone calls it?
Charles: You bet.
Sergeant Jeffords: Absolutely not.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?