Captain Holt: Now, when we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony.
[flashback:]
Justice of the Peace: Do you, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes.
Justice of the Peace: And do you...
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, we do. We're married.
[present:]
Captain Holt: Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Sergeant Jeffords: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Captain Holt: We got the salad forks. Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are? [laughs] Oh, no. You're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even wanna tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess. You're getting bread plates?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. We're not crazy. No, the big surprise is... I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait.
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Captain Holt: But I just received an email from my contact at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.
Jake: Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done, can you please tell Amy you're retiring? I don't like lying to her.
Captain Holt: So then you told her about the Top Shot?
Jake: I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment in The Rock's new cryptocurrency, which is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?