Amy: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork.

Amy: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Captain Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Amy: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I didn't mean- Let's catch this bastard.

Jake: You might wanna stand back for this, sir. It can get pretty intense.
Amy: [YELLING] All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.
Amy: Great. You call an ambulance and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit, so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters. Of course, they can't take passengers, but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551, police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane in the interest of national security. The crop duster will land at an airstrip outside of Finksburg, Maryland. We'll take a cab to Baltimore, jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting with five minutes to spare. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
Jake: I love her.

Jake: And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting drugs using perfect grammar.
Amy: It's not that weird to say, "may I have some cocaine?"
Jake: It is.

Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?
Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon. [silence] Wow. You're too tired for humor.

Charles: Now we just gotta pull his files from records.
Jake: Yep, then we bust him, and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.
Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.
Jake: Hm? Nikolaj, yeah, I said it.
Charles: Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj.
Charles: Not even close. Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj.
Charles: Almost. Nikolaj.
Jake: Nikolaj. I feel like I'm saying it.

Jake: Thank you, okay, so I break the back window, make my way over to the jewelry case. Meanwhile, you're standing lookout by the front door-
Charles: [French accent] Oui, oui.
Jake: Smoking a cigarette. Check it: Ash.
Charles: [French accent] Ooh la la. Okay, so I am smoking.
Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: Oh, Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.
Jake: Why do all your characters get STDs?
Charles: [normal voice] Because they're living life!