Jake: Okay, well, I don't want to get mad right now, 'cause Amy's worried about you, so-
Amy: No, screw that noise. How dare you call Jake selfish? He just wasted his entire honeymoon trying to take care of you while you wallowed in your misery like a little baby.
Captain Holt: That seems a little harsh.
Amy: Oh, does it? I don't give a hoot.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: For the last five years, all I've done is give a hoot about you and what you think. I gave a hoot about you as a boss. I gave a hoot about you as a mentor. I gave a hoot about you as a friend.
Jake: She gave so many hoots.
Amy: Not anymore. After the way you've acted and what you just said to Jake, I don't give a hoot, what you think, and I really don't give a hoot if you decide to quit the NYPD, so do it. I'm all out of hoots. I'm hootless.

Amy: Sir, I'm sure you had your reasons for going to Peralta, but this is exactly the type of job I would love to have.
Captain Holt: Okay, the next time someone threatens to kill me, I'll come straight to you.
Amy: Thank you, sir. I can't wait. I didn't mean- Let's catch this bastard.

Jake: You might wanna stand back for this, sir. It can get pretty intense.
Amy: [YELLING] All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.
Amy: Great. You call an ambulance and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit, so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters. Of course, they can't take passengers, but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551, police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane in the interest of national security. The crop duster will land at an airstrip outside of Finksburg, Maryland. We'll take a cab to Baltimore, jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting with five minutes to spare. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
Jake: I love her.

Jake: And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting drugs using perfect grammar.
Amy: It's not that weird to say, "may I have some cocaine?"
Jake: It is.

Captain Holt: I tried to suck it up and go back to work. I put on my uniform and got in my car. And next thing I knew, I was on a plane to Mexico. I didn't even pack a bag. I bought a bundle of novelty shirts at a nearby gift shop.
This one says, "What's up, beaches?" Instead of "bitches" for humor reasons.
Amy: But you hate humor.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm a joke now, so it suits me.

Scully: Hey, Gina. Did you see "Real Housewives" last night? If she says no, then ask about "Below Deck."
Gina: What are you doing?
Scully: She's getting suspicious, Scully. Act natural.
Gina: Are you wearing an earpiece?
Scully: Tell her no. Scully, stop saying what I'm saying. Be normal.

Amy: This place is so romantic.
Jake: Yeah, and so intimate.
Captain Holt: Don't worry. I'm not listening to you. I'm just thinking about how this sea bass is cold but not as cold and cruel as the hands of fate that have thrust my entire life into darkness.
Jake: Ah, damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.