Adam Sandler: This is terrible you don't know what you're doing.
Jake: Adam Sandler?
Adam Sandler: Yeah, that's right. I collect antiquities. I'm a serious person. I'm writing a movie right now about the Russian revolution.
Jake: Oh, really? Who does Kevin James play in it?
Adam Sandler: Ha, ha. It's a serious movie. Trotsky.
Jake: Ah, there it is.
Adam Sandler: But he's got a wife who never wears a bra. I think you're gonna like it.
Jake: Thanks for dressing up, by the way.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: Amy, check it out.
Amy: Nice! You got it framed?
Jake: Of course. It commemorates our victory over the Vulture, the greatest day in human history. Sorry the tear gas made you look like a demon dog at the end of Ghostbusters.