Sergeant Jeffords: I just wanted to ask: If Sharon gets here before I'm back from Rikers, can you make sure she's comfortable? And also, um, keep Captain Holt away from her.
Jake: Really? Why?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always weird around her and it stresses her out. She says he reminds her of those judgmental trees from Lord of the Rings.
Jake: (scoffs) They're called Ents. Get a life, dweeb.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care.
Jake: Okay.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Scully: Hey, if you need more fax machines, there's a ton of them in that storage room where I go to take a nap.
Amy: What? Why didn't you say something?
Hitchcock: And once again, Hitchcock and Scully save the day.
Amy: You didn't do anything. It was all Scully.
Hitchcock: We're a package deal, everyone knows that.

Frederick: No, everything's fine, but I am a little concerned about Sharon's blood pressure. And this is a terrible environment.
Jake: I wouldn't call it terrible.
Frederick: We're surrounded by criminals, there's no bed, and you can hear the faint sound of someone screaming through all the vents.
Gina: That's Hitchcock. His arm's stuck in a pneumatic tube. It's hilarious.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Jake: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.