Captain Holt: How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero. It's one bund to none, son!

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Jake: Oh.
Kevin: I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

Captain Holt: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain Holt: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.
Amy: [GASPS] How dare you. No one thinks you won last year.

Charles: Well, it worked. Jake brought in Scully's twin just like I planned when I connected them on Facebook, but he had no idea they hated each other. And when everyone was fighting, they were too distracted to notice old Shlomo. They all underestimated me, Rosa, but today, they will learn the error of their ways, for today, I will prove that nobody gets the best of Charles Boyle.
Rosa: I doused your beard in chloroform.
Charles: Really? I find that very hard to beli- [drops to the floor]