Madeline Wuntch: What the hell, Raymond? You were following me?
Captain Holt: I don't know what you're talking about. I've been here the whole time.
Madeline Wuntch: My mistake. These two goons were carrying a dirty old mop that looked exactly like you.

Captain Holt: We're here are about a new and very potent for ecstasy that has surfaced in our precinct; street name, giggle pig.
Madeline Wuntch: Hmm, an embarrassing blight growing right under your nose. Not unlike that moustache you had when we first met.
Captain Holt: That moustache was era-appropriate.

Madeline Wuntch: I like what you've done with your office, Raymond. It's cozy. Like a shoebox one buries a dead hamster in.

Madeline Wuntch: You got your task force. I'm surprised.
Captain Holt: That's funny, after 20 years, I'd think you'd be used to me slam-dunking in your face.
Madeline Wuntch: I'm surprised you didn't see what was going on in there. I got you riled up, you oversold giggle pig, and now you're running an expensive task force in a time of budget cuts. You better make some big arrests and quick, or you'll be the poster boy for departmental waste. Slam dunk returned.
Captain Holt: Not if we make those arrests. Three-point dunk.
Sergeant Jeffords: You guys really don't know enough about basketball to be doing this.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain Holt: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain Holt: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Amy: Oh, wait. Before we decide Scully, what's your basement like?
Scully: Bunch of old Victorian wallpaper that came with the house. I tried to peel it off, but the wall underneath was covered with fingernail scratches.
Amy: Ooh.