Kevin: Raymond, am I too late?
Captain Holt: Too late?
Kevin: My friend saw your dating profile and your photo without collar stays. I thought I'd lost you.
Captain Holt: You will never lose me. I'll do anything to keep you. I'll compromise on everything. The work, the... [Kevin kisses Holt]
Rosa: Nancy Meyers never fails.
Amy: Now that we're doing it, it feels kinda weird to be staring at your friends while they kiss.
Scully: Are you kidding? It's beautiful.
Captain Holt: I love you.
Kevin: I love you.

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?