Captain Holt: Kevin, I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself for working today. I want you to know that this will be my last assignment for the NYPD. I'm retiring.
Kevin: Well, that seems like an extreme reaction.
Captain Holt: No, I want this... for us.
Kevin: That's not for us. I never wanted you to give up your career. Putting our relationship first doesn't mean you can't have anything else in your life. It just means prioritizing me over stupid little stuff.
Jake: Like returning lost mittens to dumb kids.
Kevin: No, that actually sounds quite rewarding.
Jake: Really?
Kevin: This reform program is not a little thing. It could fundamentally change the police. I just wish you had told me so I could've helped from the start.
Captain Holt: I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Apology accepted.

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Captain Holt: But I just received an email from my contact at One Police Plaza about our reform proposal.
Jake: Ah, yeah, speaking of that, now that the report is done, can you please tell Amy you're retiring? I don't like lying to her.
Captain Holt: So then you told her about the Top Shot?
Jake: I didn't need to because I traded it for an investment in The Rock's new cryptocurrency, which is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to RockCoin?