Jake: Okay, Boyle, you live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement. I'm not taking advice from you.
Charles: I'm ashamed of my living situation!

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Charles: Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds?
Jake: Because they're so easy to grab, they're just begging to be pulled.
Charles: Because they like the girls and that's the only way they know how to get their attention.
Jake: What are you saying?
Charles: All of this teasing. This elaborate date. Somewhere deep down, you like Amy. Like like her like her.

Hitchcock: What bet? What are you guys talking about?
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?!
Hitchcock: Nothing. Why, you want to hang out?

Captain Holt: Oh, I've caused a problem. I think I am getting a text message. Bloop. Ah, there it is.