Captain Holt: I've been on the phone for six hours and I just wanna cancel an account. Yes, you've mentioned the bundles and I don't want home phone service. No, do not transfer me, Rodrigo no, no! No, Rodrigo!

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day. Here.
Captain Holt: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Sergeant Jeffords: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain Holt: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain Holt: Yas, queen. *tosses keys, snaps fingers*

Sergeant Jeffords: Just eating butter like a popsicle, huh, Boyle?
Charles: Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed. Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison?
Scully: Wait, Jake's in prison?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! He and Rosa were framed for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.
Scully: Oh, right. And where's Gina?
Sergeant Jeffords: On maternity leave! We were all at her baby shower last week.
Hitchcock: Okay. And why am I bleeding?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Oh, so you don't have all the answers. I'm bleeding because my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.