Captain Holt: Actually, what I have to say tonight is no laughing matter.
I was just told by a member of the selection committee that they have no intention of ever choosing a woman to run the NYPD. I suppose I should have been relieved, because Captain Crawford is a damn qualified candidate. But as someone who has been denied opportunity because of who I am, I cannot stand by and watch it happen to someone else.
So, I will be reserving my presentation for a selection committee that will judge all of the candidates fairly.
And let's be honest.
The crab cakes were only so-so.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?
Captain Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Amy: Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.
Vin Stermley: That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"
Jake: Oh, what?
Amy: He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago". He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.
Jake: I doubt that's even possible.
Vin Stermley: Eat a jerk, pal.
Jake: What, no one's ever said that phrase.

Captain Holt: Let me begin with a hilarious joke. I'm surprised I was on the short list for commissioner. After all, I am six feet tall.