Captain Holt: I'm not really Greg, and that's not Larry. We're Captain Raymond Holt and Detective Jake Peralta of the NYPD.
Jake: We've been targeted by Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis, the mafia boss. We're in witness protection, and that is the full truth.
Sheriff Reynolds: [sighs] [laughs] Good one. That's a good one.
Captain Holt: Just call the U.S. marshal who handles our case. She'll explain everything.
Sheriff Reynolds: She? [laughs] Oh, come on. This is getting crazier by the second. But I'll tell you, I kind of want to see how it plays out.

Captain Holt: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
[cut to Holt and Ruth power walking]
Captain Holt: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
Ruth: Greg!
Captain Holt: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
[later]
Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.

Amy: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?