Jake: Figgis is in town, and we have no car, no money, no guns; we can't go back to our houses because the police are looking for us. It's time to call the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: Absolutely not.
Jake: What is going on with you
Captain Holt: Nothing, I just think that we can do it alone.
Jake: Sir, we just shared one of the longest kisses of my life. I think we can be honest with each other.
Captain Holt: All right. The Nine-Nine bailed me out once before when I was taken hostage by Bob, a man I had put my trust in, like a fool. I don't want them to rescue me again. It's embarrassing. I need to clean up my own mess.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Captain Holt: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
[cut to Holt and Ruth power walking]
Captain Holt: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
Ruth: Greg!
Captain Holt: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
[later]
Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.

Amy: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?