Jake: Hi-do-ho there, Charlie old boy. Come have a seat.
Charles: Beanbags? But these are happy seats. Why are you happy? Oh, my God, you figured out how to save the precinct. [gasps] You got a juicy case. You juiced this mama.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Captain Holt: Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum-flavored bubble gum.
Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.

Captain Holt: When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean, "Hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."

Captain Holt: Five minutes left. What have I missed? Professional handshake.
Amy: We did that. Fingers with a half-centimeter spread, up, down, then separate.
Captain Holt: Good. Acceptable fabrics?
Amy: Cotton or cotton blend. Wool is for outerwear only, and silk is for sex workers or musicians.
Captain Holt: Right. Good desserts?
Amy: There are none. If you are hungry, you should have had more dinner.
Captain Holt: That's it! We're done. You've been mentored.