Quotes from ‘The Last Ride’

The Last Ride

The Last Ride
Season 4, Episode 15 - Aired April 25, 2017

In what could be their last case as partners, Jake and Charles go to great extremes to apprehend a local bike thief. Terry shockingly isn't in the lead for "Mr. Nine-Nine" (the detective who has solved the most cases), leaving Rosa determined to boost his ego. Meanwhile, Amy spends some precious time with Holt.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. Here's where we stand vis-à-vis whether or not the precinct will be shut down. The precinct will be shut down.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: Besides, it's not about me wanting the record. It's about who currently has it. Hitchcock.
Rosa: Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Hitchcock?

Quote from Gina

Amy: Hey, can I talk to the captain?
Gina: Ugh, he's on the phone. Do you want a coffee while you wait? They made me an extra one on accident.
Amy: Oh, sure. Thank you. Oh, my God! What is that?
Gina: Cement! You just drank cement! Guys, check back in to see if she dies.
Ugh! [choking] You're not really gonna die probably, okay? Just a little honey for the G-Hive. Also you can talk to Holt. He is not on the phone.
Amy: What is happening?
Gina: It's a little something I call two pranks for the price of one!
[Amy enters Holt's office]
Captain Holt: Santiago, I'm on the phone.
Gina: Triple prank!

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: What do you want?
Amy: Well, since there's a good chance that things are coming to an end, I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you've taught me. I know you may not see yourself as my mentor, but-
Captain Holt: Of course I do. I've been mentoring you all this time.
Amy: [high-pitched squeal] What?
Captain Holt: This is day 1,282 of a nine-year mentorship. Under ordinary circumstances I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3,300.
Amy: It was real. There was a binder.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: You can still mentor me if we don't work together. We could meet for breakfast every day. You could teach me over eggs.
Captain Holt: Eggs for breakfast? You're further behind than I thought.

Quote from Amy

Amy: There are ten hours left, sir. If you talk fast enough, you can teach me everything.
Captain Holt: Interesting. Okay. You'll have to take notes. Do you think you can keep up?
Amy: Let's just say I was president of the Stenographer's Club in high school for a reason.
Captain Holt: Was the reason because you were the only member?
Amy: Yes.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: It should take 70 seconds for you to fully gauge someone's character. Here's what to look for: Grammar, posture, scent, attire, level of perspiration, type of shirt collar.
Amy: What's the best type of shirt collar?
Captain Holt: English Spread, obviously, but let's hold the questions until the end.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello." When people say, "How are you?" they mean, "Hello." When people say, "What's up?" they mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: There are two acceptable sleep positions. On back, toes up, arms crossed, or on back, toes up, arms at the side.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Do not trust any child that chews bubble gum-flavored bubble gum.
Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: I busted his butt for filing a false police report.
Scully: He broke his phone, but insurance wouldn't reimburse him unless he reported it as stolen.
Rosa: Are you serious? How the hell did you solve this, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: Good old-fashioned detective work.
[cut to the bathroom:]
Greg: Yeah, they have no idea. They think the phone was actually stolen.
Hitchcock: [with his trousers around his ankles] You're under arrest, jerk-o.
Scully: [emerging from his stall, with his trousers around his ankles] Don't even think about it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Five minutes left. What have I missed? Professional handshake.
Amy: We did that. Fingers with a half-centimeter spread, up, down, then separate.
Captain Holt: Good. Acceptable fabrics?
Amy: Cotton or cotton blend. Wool is for outerwear only, and silk is for sex workers or musicians.
Captain Holt: Right. Good desserts?
Amy: There are none. If you are hungry, you should have had more dinner.
Captain Holt: That's it! We're done. You've been mentored.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Congratulations on getting the record.
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you talking about? I came up short. Hitchcock beat me. What are all these?
Rosa: B&E I worked last year. You noticed a clue I missed. Arson I solved last summer. You gave me advice on how to break the guy in interrogation. Blackmail from '09. You said the nanny did it, and guess what, the nanny did it.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand.
Rosa: You didn't just work your own cases. You helped me and Jake and Charles and Amy. There are hundreds of cases that wouldn't have been solved without you. You add all that up, that's a record nobody's ever gonna touch. Congratulations, Mr. Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Diaz.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. I just got off the phone with One Police Plaza. The hearing is over, and here's where we stand vis-à-vis the precinct being shut down. The precinct will not be shut down.

Quote from Amy

Jake: But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight. Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead.
Gina: There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend.
Amy: I do so! Although, I only see her at work events, and we only talk through email. Oh, God, she's just a colleague.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Santiago's work acquaintance is correct. Tonight at 7:00 the committee is choosing between us and the Seven-Four, although the Seven-Four has a significant advantage. They house an elite gang task force.
Jake: Well, this is on you, sir. I begged you for a task force, but no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike-Team Thunder-Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target.
Captain Holt: You never told me what it was for.
Jake: It's a strike team that kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No! This isn't over yet. Sure, maybe we don't have Strike-Team Thunder-Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target, but we're the Nine-Nine. We have Rosa and Charles, Gina, Amy and Terry, and Carl!
Mark: It's Mark.
Jake: Sorry. I was just trying to include someone from outside the inner circle.
Mark: There's an inner circle?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Nope, same unjuicy case. New juicer attitude. The way I see it, if this is to be our last ride then let us go out in a blaze of glory.
Charles: Ooh.
Jake: Charles, think about anything you ever wanted to do on a case. We're doing it today.
Charles: Oh, hence the beanbags.
Jake: Hence is right, and also hence we're gonna drive around in the coolest undercover car in the impound lot.
Charles: Herbie from "Herbie Fully Loaded."
Jake: What? No. You really think "Herbie Fully Loaded" was on the impound lot.
Charles: Without a doubt.
Jake: Well, anyway, it's a Mustang. It's got a stripe down the middle.
Charles: Like Herbie.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us any new cases because we might shut down. You have anything?
Rosa: No, sorry, I got nothing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, man! I am one arrest away from the all-time precinct record. Two more solves woulda put me over the top.
Rosa: So? Nothing wrong with second place.
Sergeant Jeffords: Name one silver medalist.
Rosa: Michelle Kwan.
Sergeant Jeffords: She fell, Rosa. She fell so much!

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: How is that possible?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's been here 20 years longer than me, and New York City in the '80s was basically "The Purge."
Hitchcock: I always knew I was the best cop in the Nine-Nine, and now there's proof. [puts his foot on his desk, landing on a plate of spaghetti] Oh, man! My pasghetti!

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: I'm so sorry, sir. I can come back later.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late. The call is ruined. [on the phone] Good-bye, dear.

Quote from Jake

Charles: This is so cool! I feel like we're in a cologne ad.
Jake: Oh, yeah, check this out.
Charles: Whoop! Yeah! Cleaning your teeth in public like you just don't give a what.
Jake: No, it's like a cool toothpick like Stallone in "Cobra."
Charles: Eh, lateral move.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Hey, I know this is just a stolen bike case, but you know what we should do? Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn while we're surrounded by bad guys. You know what I call that.
Jake: The man sprinkler.
Charles: Bullet tornado.
Jake: Yep, bullet tornado, bullet tornado.
Charles: What was yours? I didn't hear it.
Jake: Same as you. Bullet tornado. The important thing is we don't have to talk about it anymore 'cause we both said the same excellent name.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So we get our perp to text this Dom guy, tell him to hire me to move his product. Then I show up, grind a bunch of gnarly rails. I'm talking real fluffy ones.
Charles: Radical. I bet you're an awesome fluffer.
Jake: No.
Charles: I bet you fluffed those other riders right out of their biker shorts.
Jake: Charles-
Charles: I can picture you as a teenager fluffing all of New York City.
Jake: Charles, stop talking. Fluffing has a different meaning.

Quote from Charles

Charles: And I'm your roller-skating sidekick, Chip Rockets.
Jake: Welcome aboard, Chip Rockets.
Charles: Thank you.
Jake: And you're married to the roller skates?
Charles: A hundred percent. Roller skates it is.
Charles: Right.
Jake: Just 'cause you're only gonna be in the car.
Charles: A hundred percent, Jake.
Jake: Chip Rockets!
Charles: Chip Rockets.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Bodie, you seem like a reasonable dude. Just let me win and I'll owe you big time. I really need this.
Bodie: I really need this, too. I haven't eaten in three days, and my bookie says if I don't pay him back he's gonna kill my dog.
Jake: Mm-kay that's very intense.
Bodie: Please let me win. Since my mom died, that dog is my only family.
Jake: I am so sorry. I shouldn't have engaged. It got way too real.
Bodie: I'm gonna lose everything!
Jake: Yep, putting on my helmet now.

Quote from Jake

Charles: You okay, Jake?
Jake: Well, aside from the fact that the Nine-Nine's hearing is in four hours and we're definitely getting shut down, no, I bruised my thigh.
Charles: It's gonna be just fine, Jake.
Jake: No, it isn't, Charles. It's on my right hip. I sleep on that side.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I won't do it, not when there's still a chance - we can save the Nine-Nine.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Charles: When I took down that guy Bodie, I planted a bug with a GPS tracker on it.
Jake: Chip Rockets, you beautiful bastard.
Charles: Chip actually is a bastard. Never knew either of his parents. Raised by the rink.
Jake: Ooh, badass backstory.
Charles: Stole it from a TV movie. It was about ice dancing, but I adapted it for the hardwood.
Jake: That makes it way worse, but I'm gonna move past it.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Okay, according to the tracker, Bodie's at a warehouse on 11th Street.
ESU is on site and waiting for our go.
Jake: Great, time to gear up. It's not the best case ever without some toys.
Charles: Oh, yeah. Toys for boys.
Jake: I don't know if I like that.
Charles: Adult toys.
Jake: Still sounds wrong.
Charles: Male toys.
Jake: You know what? Let's just not call them toys. That's my fault, I started it.
Charles: You got it, we'll just call them playthings.
Jake: We will not. Let's do this.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, my God! We did it! I can't believe we did it! Oh, no, we did it. It's over.
Captain Holt: Yes, I agree. [shaking hands] Up, down, separation.
Amy: [quietly] Separation.

Quote from Charles

Charles: So it turned out this was the last ride after all, but it's a big bust, and at least we're going out in a blaze of glory.
Jake: Yeah. It feels more like a blaze of crap.
Charles: Ah, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna get a new partner. His name's gonna be Heath or Ryan. He's gonna know everything about "Die Hard," and he's gonna be super cool. Jean jacket cool.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And hey, you'll get a cool, new partner too, right?
Charles: Eh.
Jake: He'll love fine dining and musical theater and hearing about every explicit detail of your sex life over and over and over.
Charles: Just like you.
Jake: Yeah, yeah, just like me.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [to Amy] You did this to him.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, I know we all want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but more important is our loyalty to this city and its citizens. So I guess what I'm trying to say is ... let's go get drunk.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, guys, sorry we couldn't, you know, save the precinct.
Amy: Nothing to be sorry about. Your moral compass is on fire right now.
Jake: Okay, forget I said anything. This is better.

Quote from Jake

Charles: At least we had an awesome bust.
Jake: Yeah, we went back-to-back.
Rosa: You finally did the man sprinkler.
Jake: What? I never called it that.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Wait, I don't understand.
Captain Holt: Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Gina-zone."
Gina: I think you mean Ginazon. I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
Hank: I told you, you can't be back here.
Gina: And I told you, I already am.

Quote from Gina

Jake: What did you do?
Gina: I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved. They were like, "What can we do to help?" And I said, "Call the commissioner's office."
Jake: The G-Hive is real. I can't believe you did it. Gina, you're a legend.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: Santiago, the precinct's been saved. Why are you so glum?
Amy: Because our mentorship is over. I blew it all in one day.
Captain Holt: Yes, volume one of our mentorship.
Amy: There's more volumes?
Captain Holt: Of course. You think I could fit it all in one binder?
Amy: Okay, good.
Captain Holt: You don't seem very excited.
Amy: Oh, I was just adhering to section 7, page 145. No emotional displays in the work place.
Captain Holt: Excellent. I tought you well.
Amy: Now, if you excuse me, uh I have some work to do. On the roof. [door opens] Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: They're gonna split us up and send us all to different precincts. This is the last time I'm gonna stand up here and look at you guys. Hitchcock, close your damn legs!

Quote from Jake

Jake: The point is we're not rolling over. We're gonna solve a huge case before the hearing tonight, and then the NYPD cannot shut us down. So come on, Captain, give me something big and juicy. What do you got?
Captain Holt: A ten-year-old had his bike stolen.
Jake: We are S'd in the B.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hi-do-ho there, Charlie old boy. Come have a seat.
Charles: Beanbags? But these are happy seats. Why are you happy? Oh, my God, you figured out how to save the precinct. [gasps] You got a juicy case. You juiced this mama.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: You're not giving us any new cases? There's nothing to work on. Damn it! So this is how it ends.
Gina: Well, every ending is a new beginning. [chuckles] Another great Gina Linetti entrance. You better savor these while you still can, sarge.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina, I am not in the mood. How are you so unaffected by all this?
Gina: Because I have already moved on. I'm devoting my energy to my new project, Ginazon. It's a one-stop online portal for my legions of followers.
Speaking of whom, what's up G-Hive? It's Queen Gee. So I'm gonna prank all my coworkers.
Sergeant Jeffords: That sounds like a bad idea for an already crappy day.
Gina: Fine, sarge. I won't do it. I will do it, so you can count this as my first prank I guess, unofficially.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Congratulations, punk. Charles, tell him what he won. You're supposed to tell him he's won an all-expenses-paid, luxury trip to hell. We rehearsed this.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Come on, it's not necessarily over. I mean, this guy could still make a break for it, or take me hostage, or have a huge bag of heroin.
Charles: Oh, my God, it's not over yet. This just became a giant drug case.
Jake: We can save the Nine-Nine.
Charles: We can save the Nine-Nine!
Jake: This man is our savior.
Charles: And he looks like Jesus.
Jake: Yeah, he looks like a hunky Jesus.
Charles: Yeah!
Jake: Thanks for the heroin, Hunky Jesus.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Apparently he uses BMX riders to move his product, and as it turns out when I was a kid I was a vert fiend.
Charles: That's great news. Please explain that.
Jake: That means I rode BMX.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Scully: Hey, sarge, check it out. Hitchcock got a tattoo.
Hitchcock: Mr. Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you putting a gun in your mouth?
Hitchcock: I'm blowing smoke off the barrel. It's cool.
Sergeant Jeffords: The barrel is fully inside your mouth. You're clearly about to kill yourself.
Scully: You're just jealous 'cause he's got the arrest record and you don't.
Hitchcock: Yeah, suck on this. Click, pow! [blows]
Sergeant Jeffords: You pulled the trigger, man! That was a suicide!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Sarge, I got a case for you. Guy had his phone stolen at a bar last night.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right!
Greg: It's not that big a deal. I just need to file a police report for my insurance company.
Rosa: No, it is a major injustice, and we're gonna set it right.
Greg: It was a crappy old phone. I'd rather just get a new one.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're the police and we're here to help you. So shut your damn mouth. Now tell us what he looked like.
Greg: I only saw his back. Uh, he had a blue hoodie on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoo! We got a lead!

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is so awesome. When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be a BMX detective, and they laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now, Kenny Yarborough? Kenny actually opened up a chain of salad places. He's doing quite well for himself.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Hey, what if they can tell you're amazing but a little rusty and therefore kinda bad?
Jake: Not to worry, BMX is 99% attitude. So here's the plan, my name is Tyler Omaha, born and raised in So-Cal. Point me to a quarter pipe and I'm gonna tail-whip for days, bro.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You know, I used to be pro, but they said my antics were too gnar. Kicked me off the circuit.
Dom: For what?
Jake: You know, peeing on the track, having sex during races, being hella gnar. You get it, we all have gyros on our bikes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: It was stupid of me to think I could make this the best case ever. Let's just go back to the precinct so you can make me hot cocoa.
Charles: I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but no, I will not make you hot cocoa.
Jake: Charles! I have a bruise!

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, we're making progress on your phone. We went to the bar where it was taken- Wait, why are you in handcuffs?
Greg: Because I've been arrested.
Rosa: What? By who?
Hitchcock: Hitchcock, baby.

Quote from Rosa

Hitchcock: He thought the bathroom was empty because we use the toilet with our feet up on the stall door.
Rosa: Explain any further and I will kneecap you both.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: You can't boss me around. I'm the greatest detective in the history of here. Mr. Nine-Nine, out.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sniper binoculars. Here, Charles, tell me how far away I am.
Charles: Too close to measure.
Jake: They really work.

Quote from Jake

Charles: This is way too much stuff.
Jake: Yeah. And it's too heavy to carry all the way back.
Both: [whimpering] Terry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: There they are. We are .1524 kilometers away. I have no idea what that means, but it's still pretty cool.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, can you hear what they're saying?
Charles: Uh, no.
Jake: Really? It looks like they're talking.
Charles: They're not. They're definitely not talking.
Jake: I can see their lips moving. Wait a minute, why won't you tell me what they're saying?
Charles: They're making fun of Tyler Omaha.
Jake: Oh, what? I thought I was pretty good.
Charles: Me too! And you definitely don't look anything like Rachel Maddow.
Jake: Oh, come on!

Quote from Jake

Charles: Something's happening. That's a huge bag. If that's full of heroin, we could really save the precinct.
Jake: Oh, I can just hear Holt now. "I'm proud of you, Peralta. You are my hero." The guy is obsessed with me.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Damn it!
Jake: I know, it sucks, but it's the right thing to do.
Charles: No, not that, they're making fun of Chip Rockets now.
Jake: These drug dealers are so mean.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, are you just holding up the binoculars so I can't see you cry?
Charles: [voice cracking] No!
Jake: Yeah, I didn't think so. Come to think of it, I'm gonna double-check our building distance as well. Mm-hmm.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: I see you filming, Linetti. What's in the yogurt?
Gina: Normal stuff. Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.

Quote from Jake

Marv: It's almost 8;30. We're gonna get into position.
Jake: Okay, thanks, Marv.
Marv: Are you guys crying?
Jake: I said thanks, Marv! That means move on.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Now come on, we still have a drug dealer to bust, right? You know what that means.
Charles: Bullet tornado!
Jake: Man sprinkler! Bullet tornado. That's what I said both times.

Quote from Gina

Jake: To the Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine! [all groaning]
Gina: Y'all just drank cement!

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