Charles: So, Maxwell, what was your childhood like?
Sergeant Jeffords: I was a lookout at 8, had my own corner at 10, trigger man at 13. You know what it's like to look a man in his eyes as the life drains out of him?
Captain Holt: I was bad from a young age. At school, I pushed people. And this wasn't horseplay. This was pushing to hurt.
Charles: Do you have a girlfriend at home?
Sergeant Jeffords: Used to. She got tired of me getting locked up. She's with my brother now. He better hope I never find his ass.
Captain Holt: I do, and you should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples. Don't get me started on her can.
Charles: What's your greatest fear?
Sergeant Jeffords: I ain't scared of nothing.
Captain Holt: My girlfriend. I'm scared she'll find out about my mistress, who also has a perfect can. It's smaller, but it's harder.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Charles: I want to send someone into holding, undercover as a perp, to see if they can get him to open up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why don't you do it? You're always going on about your acting abilities and that time you played Annie.
Charles: I'm an adult man, Sarge. I didn't play Annie. I was in "Annie." I played Miss Hannigan.

Charles: Hey, Captain, Sarge, I have a case I want to discuss with you.
Captain Holt: You want to talk about work in the break room? That's highly unorthodox, but I suppose we can give it a try.
Charles: Okay, so I have a perp-
Captain Holt: I'm sorry, this is insane. Let's talk in my office.

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.