Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quote 9919

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Bimbo

Captain Holt: Parmenion was a close advisor to Alexander the Great. Alexander suspected that Parmenion was trying to supplant him, so he executed him.
Jake: He was getting rid of his rival. Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain Holt: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain Holt: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

 Captain Holt Quotes

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

 ‘The Bimbo’ Quotes

Quote from Kevin

Jake: The point is, Captain Holt solved the case when no one else could.
Captain Holt: He's actually been stealing from these archives for years. You've been asleep at the wheel, Allister. You're an embarrassment.
Dean Wesley Allister: Really? Well, at least I've never confused St. Augustine with Boethius.
Kevin: Oh, who gives a rat's ass about Boethius, Wesley?
Captain Holt: What are you doing, Kevin?
Kevin: I am creating a kerfuffle.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Quote from Kevin

Captain Holt: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. [Holt and Kevin shake hands] PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain Holt: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. You can start the meeting now.
Captain Holt: The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
Jake: Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
Captain Holt: No, I will break you. Right now.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: While you were out being tardy, I was hard at work devising a special punishment. I've crafted an intricate personal high five with everyone in this office except you.
Jake: What? But you hate high fives.
Captain Holt: Yes, every minute of it was hell. But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed. Good-bye, Diaz.
Jake: Salute into a fanny waggle?
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Boyle.
Jake: Oh, the snake charmer!
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Jeffords.
Jake: That's a butt bump.
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Santiago.
Jake: Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum. [sighs] All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.
Captain Holt: Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
Jake: What? No, no, no. The copy guy?

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