Jake: You have the right to remain Doug Judy. Anything you Doug or Judy can be used against you in a Doug of Judy. Sorry, I'm preoccupied by someone who will remain nameless. I'll start over.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Jake: I've already got my cover story worked out. My name is Dante Thunderstone. I stole my first car at the tender age of nine.
Doug Judy: You had to fend for yourself since your mother was struck by lightning.
Jake: While she was pregnant with me. She passed. I lived. Some say that makes Zeus my dad. Oh! Mythic.

Amy: I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights. Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures. It's got every moment of his career, "From Ray to Z".
Sergeant Jeffords: This is a very bad idea. Amy: I know, I'm not happy with the title either, but my backup was "keep holting on," but that just makes him sound like he's sick.