Captain Holt: No, no, no. He's not a cop. He can't be wearing any of this.
Jake: It's just a windbreaker. It's not like I gave him a badge and a gun. ... Uh, he has both of those things.
Doug Judy: It's not loaded. I just want to cock it and say a cool cop catch phrase. (COCKS GUN) New York's finest just got a whole lot finer.

Doug Judy: Damn, it feels good to be on the same team for once. A cop and a criminal working together. (GASPS) We need a theme song. The Pontiac Bandit and Jake the cop-
Jake: Oh!
Doug Judy: Taking down crooks, In the streets where they live, Flirting with girls who are hot for the badge-
Jake: There's a talking police dog that helps them solve crime.

Amy: I got five down. I figured out the theme. It's boats.
Doug Judy: Okay, I get it. She's smart and lovable; you're scrappy and lovable; together you're just lovable and lovable.

Captain Holt: Give me some details.
Doug Judy: Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s. He texted me last week. Needs some cars to deliver his product. I said no because drugs are stupid. Except for weed and sex pills. A man has needs. [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. I can't think of your last name, baby.
Captain Holt: Enough crooning!

Diane: Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy. Well, shouldn't you be at work?
Doug Judy: Never too busy to see my mama.
Diane: Oh.
Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Jake: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.

Doug Judy: Jake, help me. I don't want to die. I'm still on second season of "Game of Thrones."

Doug Judy: I brought you here 'cause I'm in peril.
Jake: Pfft. Peril.
Doug Judy: Don't "pfft" my peril.
Jake: Pfft.
Doug Judy: Somebody's trying to kill me, and I need protection, so I sent for my best friend.
Jake: I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy. Get that through your head.
Doug Judy: It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug Judy: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug Judy: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Jake: So, what's going on? Anything exciting in your life that you maybe want to tell me about?
Doug Judy: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: The texture of quiche is unsettling.
[present:]
Doug Judy: I got paid $75,000 for that nonsense.

Doug Judy: [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, are you finally single?
Rosa: No.
Doug Judy: I respect that.

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: [snorts]

Rosa: You guys having fun?
Jake: Hey.
Rosa: 'Cause I'm not. His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.
Doug Judy: Oh, looks beautiful.
Jake: Yeah, it's kinda cute.
[Rosa cuts the braid off with a pen knife]
Doug Judy: Please have my children.

Doug Judy: I used to work at a chop shop. It was chill. Decent hours, good benefits. You could work while you were high. Which I never did, 'cause that's irresponsible. Anyway, we did a lot of work for this dude who stole Pontiacs.
Jake: The Pontiac bandit!
Doug Judy: Okay. We called him Bill, but whatever.

Jake: All right, it's worth the risk. We send him in alone.
Rosa: No, we do not. Something doesn't smell right to me.
Doug Judy: Could be my dad's suit. He died in it.
Jake: He died in it? Oh, man.

Jake: Are these laserdiscs?
Doug Judy: Yeah, I robbed a tower records back in '92. Kept my faves.
Jake: Doug Judy.
Doug Judy: Ooh.
Jake: "Blade Runner", "Tron"- Oh! "Fievel Goes West"?
Doug Judy: Yes, sir. Love that little mouse. His journey, the story of America.
Jake: I could not agree more.
Doug Judy: Fievel?
Jake: Papa.
Doug Judy: Fievel!
Jake: Papa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!
Jake: Pa-pa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!