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Quote from the episode Sabotage

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

4.5

Quote from the episode Sal's Pizza

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

4.5

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Scully: You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.
Boyle: Never happened.
Scully: Well, someone said it to me last night. Oh, must have been my wife.

4.3

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious.
I call 'em "oopsies.

4.3

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

4.3

Quote from the episode Beach House

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

4.3

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Agent Kendrick: What are your demands?
Jake: A guarantee that this drill doesn't end until one of us is dead.
Boyle: Also, one large pizza with fennel sausage - brick oven, otherwise it's sog city. And Scully needs some Gasinex, extra strength.
Scully: Chewable!

4.3

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Boyle: I gotta say. You guys are good cops.
Hitchcock: Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?
Boyle: By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces.
Scully: And bad investments.

4.3

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Boyle: Anyway, sorry for calling you useless. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did good.
Scully: Boyle, please don't.
Hitchcock: The last thing we need is to suddenly be on everyone's A-list. The ones to watch. The golden boys.
Scully: A pair of red hot dicks.
Boyle: No one calls detectives that any more.
Scully: People called detectives that?

4.3

Quote from the episode Johnny and Dora

Jake: That machine's been here for ever. It's basically part of the force. Take Scully instead.
Scully: Yes, please. Take me to the land of vending machines.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Rosa: I'll be back. Don't move.
Scully: Not a problem. I hate moving.

4.1

Quote from the episode Payback

Jake: If anything goes wrong, Scully fake a heart attack.
Scully: What are you thinking? Classic angina or something sexier like myocardial-infarction?
Jake: Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.

4

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: Oh, I could take that shift.
Captain Holt: The last time you worked a Saturday you watched cartoons the entire time.
Scully: Well that's when they're on.

4

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: I really need that Gasinex. I think there was some dairy in the cheesecake that I ate for breakfast.

4

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Scully: Oh my God, Jake, who's flying the plane?
Jake: Co-pilot, Scully, co-pilot.

4

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Jake: Sorry, Scully, we only had two uniforms.
Scully: It's okay. For some reason, all the fries and grave, and cheese upset my tummy.

4

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Scully: Well, how do you know he's even in a bad mood? It's impossible to read that guy.
-cut to-
Captain Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life. Get your act together, or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement.
-cut to-
Scully: It's like, what's the guy thinking? You know?

4

Quote from the episode Halloween

Amy: I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Scully: Was it a maple?

4

Quote from the episode The Party

Scully: I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real meet cute.

4

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

4

Quote from the episode Undercover

Scully: I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer in to my eye and screamed "Perv!"

4

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Captain Holt: Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want all paperwork on your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Scully: You got it.

3.8

Quote from the episode 48 Hours

Scully: Hi guys. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is my salt water taffee place was closed.
Captain Holt: And the good news?
Scully: Whitman's checked out. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.
Jake: That's not good news. That's bad news.
Scully: Right, that is bad news. It's on me. Sorry.

3.8

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: Jake, can you hear me? Is it lunch time?
Jake: No, it's not lunch time, it's ten thirty in the morning.
Scully: No wonder I'm starving.

3.5

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Boyle: Since when are you two in to being such good detectives?
Scully: Since it came to secret bathrooms.

3.5

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

3.5

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Scully: I'm impressed. It takes a big person to admit when they're being a total dumb-dumb.

3.5

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Scully: Some things are just delicious enough to suffer the consequences.
I'm diabetic but I still eat sugar out of the bag.

3.5

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Scully: Wait, I have a theory. I think limousine and magazine come from the same word.

3.3

Quote from the episode The Slump

Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, where are you on digitizing the old case files?
Scully: As of yesterday, I am officially 1% done.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you smiling? That's nothing.
Scully: Well, there's thousands of cases and for each one I have to fill out 200 little box thingies on 50 different screens.
Rosa: At least you get to sit on your butt all day.
Scully: That's actually the worst part. My doctor says I have an anal canyon.

3.3

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