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Quote from the episode Sabotage

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

4.5

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Scully: You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.
Boyle: Never happened.
Scully: Well, someone said it to me last night. Oh, must have been my wife.

4.3

Quote from the episode Sal's Pizza

Scully: I found my gun. It was in my holster. My holster's on my butt.

4.3

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious.
I call 'em "oopsies.

4.3

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

4.3

Quote from the episode Beach House

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

4.3

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Agent Kendrick: What are your demands?
Jake: A guarantee that this drill doesn't end until one of us is dead.
Boyle: Also, one large pizza with fennel sausage - brick oven, otherwise it's sog city. And Scully needs some Gasinex, extra strength.
Scully: Chewable!

4.3

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Boyle: I gotta say. You guys are good cops.
Hitchcock: Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?
Boyle: By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces.
Scully: And bad investments.

4.3

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Boyle: Anyway, sorry for calling you useless. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did good.
Scully: Boyle, please don't.
Hitchcock: The last thing we need is to suddenly be on everyone's A-list. The ones to watch. The golden boys.
Scully: A pair of red hot dicks.
Boyle: No one calls detectives that any more.
Scully: People called detectives that?

4.3

Quote from the episode Johnny and Dora

Jake: That machine's been here for ever. It's basically part of the force. Take Scully instead.
Scully: Yes, please. Take me to the land of vending machines.

4.3

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Rosa: I'll be back. Don't move.
Scully: Not a problem. I hate moving.

4.1

Quote from the episode Payback

Jake: If anything goes wrong, Scully fake a heart attack.
Scully: What are you thinking? Classic angina or something sexier like myocardial-infarction?
Jake: Just drop down onto the ground and wiggle.

4

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: Oh, I could take that shift.
Captain Holt: The last time you worked a Saturday you watched cartoons the entire time.
Scully: Well that's when they're on.

4

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Scully: Oh my God, Jake, who's flying the plane?
Jake: Co-pilot, Scully, co-pilot.

4

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Jake: Sorry, Scully, we only had two uniforms.
Scully: It's okay. For some reason, all the fries and grave, and cheese upset my tummy.

4

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Scully: Well, how do you know he's even in a bad mood? It's impossible to read that guy.
-cut to-
Captain Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life. Get your act together, or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement.
-cut to-
Scully: It's like, what's the guy thinking? You know?

4

Quote from the episode Undercover

Scully: I accidentally smiled at you last week and you shined a laser pointer in to my eye and screamed "Perv!"

4

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Captain Holt: Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want all paperwork on your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Scully: You got it.

3.8

Quote from the episode 48 Hours

Scully: Hi guys. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is my salt water taffee place was closed.
Captain Holt: And the good news?
Scully: Whitman's checked out. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.
Jake: That's not good news. That's bad news.
Scully: Right, that is bad news. It's on me. Sorry.

3.8

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: Jake, can you hear me? Is it lunch time?
Jake: No, it's not lunch time, it's ten thirty in the morning.
Scully: No wonder I'm starving.

3.5

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Scully: I really need that Gasinex. I think there was some dairy in the cheesecake that I ate for breakfast.

3.5

Quote from the episode Halloween

Amy: I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Scully: Was it a maple?

3.5

Quote from the episode The Party

Scully: I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real meet cute.

3.5

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

3.5

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Boyle: Since when are you two in to being such good detectives?
Scully: Since it came to secret bathrooms.

3.5

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Sergeant Jeffords: Reminder. Tomorrow, we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet school.
Scully: Sorry, Sarge. I can't be around magnets; pacemaker.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm actually not going to correct you on that.

3.5

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Scully: I'm impressed. It takes a big person to admit when they're being a total dumb-dumb.

3.5

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Scully: Some things are just delicious enough to suffer the consequences.
I'm diabetic but I still eat sugar out of the bag.

3.5

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Scully: Wait, I have a theory. I think limousine and magazine come from the same word.

3.3

Quote from the episode The Mole

Scully: Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

3

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